How to PROPERLY use your Elf on the Shelf

Yo Muffy McPerfectpants, I’ve seen what you’ve been posting on Facebook and Pinterest. All those cutesy Elf on the Shelf pictures. You’re like, “Oooooh, look, I added Velcro to his hands and wires to his limbs and then I suspended him from a miniature American Girl Doll hot air balloon to make him look like he’s in…

What I would REALLY be thankful for when I host Thanksgiving dinner

1. I would be thankful if you DON’T judge me for using disposable plates. Yes, I know I got perfectly good china for our wedding, but I wanted to spend an eternity with my hubby, not an eternity standing at the sink washing dishes. 2. If you notice I’m wearing maternity pants, I would be thankful if…

This morning I turned into a batshit crazy psycho person

  Dear Family, I am sorry. Like really REALLY sorry. I don’t know what is wrong with me. One minute I’m pouring Cheerios into a bowl and the next minute I’ve turned into some scary-ass hybrid of Stephen King’s Cujo and Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. It’s like there’s this little switch inside my brain…

Nine random things I really F’ing want

1. I want a plexiglass divider in my car like they have in limousines. These stupid car companies are all braggy like, “Our minivan was designed by a woman.” And I’m like yeah, brainfarter, maybe she has a vajayjay, but I’ll tell you what she doesn’t have. Two rugrats screaming at the top of their…

My son doesn’t want a girl to be president

So yesterday I had CNN on and I usually try to turn it off when the kids come in because it’s full of scary shit like Syria and Isis and gun-wielding maniacs, but it was talking about the presidential candidates so I left it on and the kids started watching. Now Zoey is ecstatic about the…

Hells yeah, a new study shows TV is actually GOOD for your kids

So I know some of those Muffy McPerfects are all braggy braggy that they never let their rugrats watch TV, but not me. No way no how. Because TV F’ing rocks and I let my kiddos watch TV all the time. Wanna know why? Here you go. I have conducted my own scientific study and…

Old McDonald had a wussy, wah wah wah wah wahhhhh

So I know this is going to come as a complete surprise to you, but I’m like a total Super Mom… when someone else’s kid is at my house. I don’t know why, but for some reason when someone else’s rugrat comes over to play, I feel this crazy need to impress them. Maybe it’s…

The time I totally F’ed up as a mom, well, one of many

Awwww shit. I F’ed up. Like I went against all my own rules and did something totally stupid and now I’m pissed at myself. So Zoey plays soccer. Correction, Zoey puts on a uniform, stands on the field and runs around once in a while but rarely kicks the ball and is usually making funny…