AGGGHHHHH, I am 200% convinced that Zoey is about to get her period because she is acting like such a %$@*&-rag!! Yeah, I know she’s only six, but they say kids are hitting puberty earlier and earlier these days, so she could be, right? Like yesterday I didn’t bring her a snack when I picked…
Yo Muffy McPerfectpants, I’ve seen what you’ve been posting on Facebook and Pinterest. All those cutesy Elf on the Shelf pictures. You’re like, “Oooooh, look, I added Velcro to his hands and wires to his limbs and then I suspended him from a miniature American Girl Doll hot air balloon to make him look like he’s in…
1. I would be thankful if you DON’T judge me for using disposable plates. Yes, I know I got perfectly good china for our wedding, but I wanted to spend an eternity with my hubby, not an eternity standing at the sink washing dishes. 2. If you notice I’m wearing maternity pants, I would be thankful if…
Dear Family, I am sorry. Like really REALLY sorry. I don’t know what is wrong with me. One minute I’m pouring Cheerios into a bowl and the next minute I’ve turned into some scary-ass hybrid of Stephen King’s Cujo and Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. It’s like there’s this little switch inside my brain…
1. I want a plexiglass divider in my car like they have in limousines. These stupid car companies are all braggy like, “Our minivan was designed by a woman.” And I’m like yeah, brainfarter, maybe she has a vajayjay, but I’ll tell you what she doesn’t have. Two rugrats screaming at the top of their…
So yesterday I had CNN on and I usually try to turn it off when the kids come in because it’s full of scary shit like Syria and Isis and gun-wielding maniacs, but it was talking about the presidential candidates so I left it on and the kids started watching. Now Zoey is ecstatic about the…
So this is how it all begins. ME: What’s the matter, buddy? Did you have a bad dream? HOLDEN: My tushy itches. ME: Awww, I’m sorry. In the morning I’ll take a look. I mean yeah, I know I should probably take him into the bathroom right now but it’s 3AM and I don’t really…
So I know some of those Muffy McPerfects are all braggy braggy that they never let their rugrats watch TV, but not me. No way no how. Because TV F’ing rocks and I let my kiddos watch TV all the time. Wanna know why? Here you go. I have conducted my own scientific study and…
So I know this is going to come as a complete surprise to you, but I’m like a total Super Mom… when someone else’s kid is at my house. I don’t know why, but for some reason when someone else’s rugrat comes over to play, I feel this crazy need to impress them. Maybe it’s…
Awwww shit. I F’ed up. Like I went against all my own rules and did something totally stupid and now I’m pissed at myself. So Zoey plays soccer. Correction, Zoey puts on a uniform, stands on the field and runs around once in a while but rarely kicks the ball and is usually making funny…