Yo Muffy McPerfectpants, I’ve seen what you’ve been posting on Facebook and Pinterest. All those cutesy Elf on the Shelf pictures. You’re like, “Oooooh, look, I added Velcro to his hands and wires to his limbs and then I suspended him from a miniature American Girl Doll hot air balloon to make him look like he’s in Cirque du Soleil. It only took me six hours, but it was totally worth it to see my little angels all aglow for point two seconds when they discovered him this morning.”
Do you know what goes through my head when I see your picture? “Bwhahahahahaha, are you F’ing kidding me?!!” I mean don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with Elf on the Shelf. In fact, I think he’s pretty damn awesome. But THIS, my friend, is NOT how you use him.
Because the same way people have forgotten what the spirit of Christmas is all about (insert sad-face emoji here), they’ve also forgotten what the spirit of Elf on the Shelf is all about:
To manipulate your gullible children into behaving and doing all kinds of awesome shit for you.
So here ya go. A few guidelines to help you properly use little Chippy or Buddy or Sparkle VanDingleberry the RIGHT way this holiday:
1. When your Elf on the Shelf magically appears for the first time this season, do NOT write some lame-o letter to the kids being all jolly and optimistic like he’s there for fun and games. Nope, he needs to come out with his guns a’blazing.
2. Mistake #2 is letting your kids name him. Then you end up with some pansy-ass name like Snowball or Glitterpuss. Nope, you need to instill the fear of the naughty list into your kids. When your elf arrives, he should already have a name. Here are a few options:
Santa’s Little Narc
3. Once your elf is up and running, this is your chance to get your kids to do alllllll the shit they never do for you.
4. And if you wake up up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night because you forgot to move your elf, here’s what I DON’T want you to do: panic. Because this is how you should handle it.
KIDS: Mommmmm, the elf didn’t move last night!!
MOM: What did you do wrong yesterday?
That’s right, make them think if the elf didn’t move it’s their fault. They won’t know WTF they did wrong (kids can’t remember what they did five minutes ago) but they’ll be on their best behavior the rest of the day.
5. Shelf. Light fixture. Table. Window sill. Desk. Another light fixture. Shelf again. There are only so many places to prop up your floppy red guy who constantly falls down and it’s so F’ing annoying. So when you’re sick and tired of moving him around (and you will be) it’s time to get creative and give yourself a break for a few days:
6. Before you know it, it’ll be Christmas and it’s adios Mr. Permagrin!! We’ll miss you!!! Kinda sorta.
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Oh yeah, one more thing, if you know someone who made it to the nice list this year, you know what makes an awesome present??!! I Heart My Little A-Holes. It’s the perfect stocking stuffer, except that it won’t actually fit in a stocking. Unless it’s a really big stocking. Then it might.