1. All you gotta do is buy the girl a $4 Happy Meal at Mickey D’s and she’d pretty much agree to marry you.

2. Quite often she will spontaneously lift her dress up over her head for no reason at all.

3. She will proudly fart in front of you without reservation and will laugh hilariously if you rip a good one.

4. Screw Tiffany’s. This girl would rather you buy her a big ole FAKE diamond than a small REAL one.

5. She’s totally into role-playing. Want her to bark like a dog? Alls you gotta do is ask.

6. She couldn’t give a rat’s ass what you’re wearing and won’t even notice if you show up in ripped jeans and a tank top.

7. She HAAAAAAAAATES shopping.

8. Give her candy and she will do pretty much ANYTHING you want.

9. She has absolutely zero negative self-body image and prefers to walk around naked.

10. She will happily keep you company while you poop and might even serenade you.

Sorry boys, she’s not available now and won’t be for at least 25 years when her daddy and I will be carefully selecting her husband, but hopefully she’ll still be doing all this stuff then.

If you liked this, please don’t forget to press the like button and/or comment. Thank you!!

And don’t forget, Mother’s Day is only two weeks away, and guess what makes a HILARIOUS present!!! I Heart My Little A-Holes. It’s the least you can do for the woman who gave up her perineum for you.

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  1. This just made my day!!!! thank you!!!

  2. My youngest is 8 and still does all of that stuff. Even farts (loudly) at the dinner table and tries to blame the dog. She is going to have the boys falling all over themselves.

  3. I love it! Thank you! Sounds just like my 5 year old. She will be 6 next month. Can’t wait to see what new crap comes with this next year!

  4. haha I love this! I truly enjoy reading your posts.

  5. You forgot to mention what an awesome mother in law the kid’s gonna get!

  6. Lol. Im laughing so hard my co-workers think im crazy

  7. Bwahahahhaaaaa! That’s awesome!

  8. Cheryl Gustafson

    My nephew is five and farting is the hilarious thing in his life right now. Lol.

  9. My six year old daughter ripped quacker right on my leg while we were curled up in bed watching a movie the other night, and laughed about it after she stunk me out of the bed. Most of your list could hers. Hell, most of it could be mine. Farting mothers=Farting daughters.

  10. And I just got your book as early Mother’s day gift! And I already read it! Loooooved it!

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