Ten things I really F’ing want for Mother’s Day

1. I don’t want to wipe a single tush all day. I think all kids should have to hold in their poop in on Mother’s Day. Now that would make it special.

2. I want brunch. But not with the whole frigging family. I want brunch with my other mommy friends. See ya, rug rats. Mommy’s coming back drunk on laughter and bloody marys.

3. I want to sleep in. But not with my hooligans shouting “MOMMYYYYYY!!!” at the top of their lungs and ramming one of those giant cannon thingies into the door to bust inside. To all the hubbies reading this: when the rugrats wake up, take them outside immediately. Not downstairs. OUTSIDE. That’s right, scoop them up in a football hold and rush them out the door. I’m F’ing serious. Change their diapers and their clothes on the front lawn if you have to. Just don’t let them wake my ass up.

4. I want a card. But not a stupid Hallmark card. I want one of those awesome homemade ones made with macaroni. Only I want the macaroni cooked and poured into a bowl and covered with a delicious cream sauce and paired with a giant bottle of red wine.

5. Jewelry jewelry jewelry. Unless it’s one of those stupid necklaces made with cheap plastic beads. None of that shit. Unless Tiffany’s is suddenly selling overpriced plastic bead necklaces. That can be returned for money. Because I don’t want to exchange it and the only thing I can afford is a stupid ass pen or a keychain.

6. I want you to cook breakfast for me. In someone else’s kitchen.

7. I want to pee and poop alone. I will prepare for the day by downing a tanker truck full of liquid and eating ridiculous amounts of fiber.

8. I want chocolate. But not just any ole chocolate. I want the kind that someone has taken a fat Sharpie to and blacked out the F’ing calorie section.

9. I want a good present. Like one I’ll really like. It’s not the thought that counts. It’s MY thought that counts. And my thought should not be WTF?

10. I want ten “Leave me the F alone” coupons with no expiration date.

If you liked this post, please don’t forget to like and share it. Thank you!!

This is just one of many HILARIOUS chapters in my New York Times best seller I Heart My Little A-Holes. The hardcover is less than $10 so it’s perfect for Mother’s Day!!! And don’t forget about my second book I Want My Epidural Back, equally as funny. Well, that’s what my mom says. But seriously, just check out the Amazon reviews and you can decide!





There are 63 comments for this article
  1. Tamara at 10:14 am

    I want all of the above and a Betsey Johnson purse. That is all.

    • Lindsey at 3:16 am

      Tamra we / have to be soul Mates, for that comment

  2. Tracy at 11:10 am

    I want my house cleaned top to bottom, spick & span, not half assed, including toilets.

    • Summer at 6:19 pm

      Yes and I want someone to keep cleaning…forever lol

  3. Cheryl Gustafson at 11:31 am

    My kids are all grown up and moved away but I have a five year old nephew that lives with me. I would love a whole day to myself. Just me and peace and quiet and pizza. Also some snacks and movies! Lol

  4. Melanie at 11:45 am

    My kids are teenagers but most of these still apply!!

  5. Lauren Kurzius at 11:45 am

    I love this. I want my husband to take my 3 year old daughter somewhere. Anywhere! I don’t care where. I just don’t want to think about it or plan it. Just want to be alone in my house for a few hours of solitude. ahh.

  6. Maggie at 1:51 pm

    My hubby works third shift, so my mother’s day brunch is me taking the kids to the movies so that they don’t wake him up. There is something very wrong with this.

    • Natf at 5:01 pm

      Maybe you should stop whining and appreciate the fact that he works his tail off for you and probably has no strong desire to work 3rd shift but does so to provide for his family.

      • RPC at 10:21 am

        You are a nasty poopie troll. Go away.

      • Mamabear at 11:46 pm

        I hope you are not someone’s daddy….you are rude.

      • Krystal at 8:31 pm

        Wow, are you someone’s parent? I seriously hope not, with that attitude. It’s mother’s day – she works her tail off just as much as he does, probably more so, and without getting paid. Why don’t you go troll someone else?

        • Noella at 5:19 am

          Spot on!! So Natf – it sounds like you want kudos – well, go whine to someone who gives a rat’s arce!!

  7. tessamartinuk at 2:44 pm

    Lol one of the best things about having older kids is I get most of that….apart from the chocolate and alcohol…everyday, but I have to admit, sometimes I really miss those days when they were little.

  8. deliza at 9:49 pm

    This is genius. Pure, effing genius. I applaud you. I think I love you too. I think I’d like to do that mother’s day brunch with you. Carry on!

  9. cheryl at 10:15 pm

    HILARIOUS! Tears and almost peed myself laughing. Thanks. 🙂

  10. Candice at 10:56 pm

    And a long afternoon nap after I come home drunk and giggly! Take them to the pool!!!

  11. Honest Mom at 11:24 am

    Yes! What is it with brunch with all the family members within 30 square miles? It’s always at a crappy place with sub-par food (that I can’t eat anyway because gluten), and then I end up serving my kids because it’s a buffet and they can’t reach anything and I’m fielding all their requests for two hours and OMG it’s miserable. ENOUGH WITH THE SUCKY BRUNCHES.

  12. Ruth at 12:26 pm

    Mother’s day is a day for Respecting Mothers! And for Spending time with the Precious ones you were entrusted with! There’s a lot of Women out there Crying their hearts out because they can’t have Children of their own! Think about it!

    • Rebecca at 4:47 pm

      Or moms who have lost their children. I agree with you Ruth. Who cares about this list? You know what I want? To celebrate Mother’s Day with both of my daughters. Not a baby and an urn. Some people don’t realize how great they’ve got it. I get it, motherhood is hard. Missing a child is harder.

      • Yoli at 10:05 pm

        You think bcuz a mom jokes around about their kids & complains about the daily task that they don’t love their lives? Or their kids?? And that there isn’t a thing they wouldn’t do 4 their families!! Get a sense of humor & get off ur superior horse. Ur one of those bitter moms that can never be real with other moms about how difficult it is to be a mom but yet the best thing we have ever done.

      • Julie at 9:09 pm

        You can both miss a child and think motherhood is hard. I have four children- three who are living and one whose ashes are beside my bed. Yup, I wish I could celebrate Mother’s Day with all four of my babies…. but I also highly enjoyed the pedicure that I got by myself, because sometimes I just want some peace and quiet. I can be grateful for the children that I have, miss the child I no longer have desperately, AND wish that my toddler would just go to sleep already and stop yelling about the aliens that came with the thunderstorm. I thought this list was great and I don’t feel the need to make everyone else feel bad about laughing or being honest about the true nature of motherhood just because I’ve lost a child.

    • Michelle at 7:41 pm

      I refuse to feel guilty because of others sadness. If Mother’s Day is about respecting Mom then why doesn’t this mom deserve what she wants? Do you not celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah because of religious suffering or war? Do you not celebrate your birthday because there are people who won’t celebrate another birthday? I’m so sick of the shaming of women by women just because everyone doesn’t fit in the same box. You don’t like it?Then don’t read it. I went through infertility for years and lost more babies than some people ever birth. I have amazing beautiful triplets today but does that mean I don’t want ONE DAY to feel spoiled since I spend every day spoiling everyone else with my love. Who are you to judge what makes someone else happy?

      • Tina at 11:00 am

        LOVE YOUR COMMENT!! Geez, some people are just dark clouds… back to sunshine!

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  14. Lo at 3:05 pm

    My kid’s all grown now so I live this and I’ll tell you, it’s friggin heaven. But some days, some days I really miss that little one running around the house.

  15. Rebecca at 3:43 pm

    All of these are awesome. But here’s what I want. I’d like my husband to take the kid to school, just one time before school gets out for summer so I can sleep in just one f’n morning (I work for myself so there’s no one MAKING me wake up at 6 am every morning except my kid and elementary school). I’d like my husband to empty the dishwasher once a month (might be asking too much to have him refill it too). I wouldn’t mind my husband taking 10 minutes out of one day to check the boy’s homework and initial the multiple BS forms that come home from school EVERY SINGLE DAY. Or maybe make a lunch once in awhile. I make it so easy. Frozen “homemade” uncrustable sandwices the kid loves, a ziplock of Goldfish, piece of fruit, cheese stick and Capri Sun. Takes 30 seconds. How hard is that? But also, why do I have to do it every single day? Clean up his puke? Comb his hair? Make sure he brushes his teeth? Put him to bed? Make breakfast? Take him to baseball? Etc.

    P.S. I am NOT a SAHM. I am self-employed, but I work out of the home and have to go into an office every single day.

  16. Diane Werner at 4:16 pm

    I’m old – 70 – so maybe I could help with a few ideas. Before you guys do the living together dance, decide what chores belong to who (or whom??). ie I don’t mind dishes/laundry but dislike dusting/vacuuming, so that’s decided. As for precious babies, before you do the fertilization dance, decide on those chores again. Laundry/dishes is already decided (please see above). As for sleep, each of you figure out what amount of sleep you really need to function appropriately. Do not EVER give in on this point. Ear plugs/head phones with your favorite music is/are wonderful. Pick a day every other week where you do exactly what you want to do – the same for your husband. This teaches your children that you and daddy are important too, even though they are the MOST important things in your life, you are still important and deserve love and respect. If you stick to this, it will very easily and quickly become routine and you won’t have to sit around and wait for that second Sunday in May. Love to you all who are trying the very best to be great moms.

    • Andrea at 6:36 pm

      Solid advice Diane! It’s so important to set an example for the kids and showing them that you still have your own interests is a big part of that.

    • Ann Venables at 10:09 pm

      I’m 60 and can still remember the sound coming from the bathroom, “I need some help help wiping, Mommy.” My kids are in their 20’s and I much prefer the time we have now. Good advice you gave, girl.

  17. Kwon at 4:38 pm

    5 and 9 seem somewhat…on the b***h-side of things, but I see why it’s funny, at least.

  18. Narf at 5:00 pm

    Wow. A needy, materialistic b***h. Bet she’s fun to live with

    • Antinarf at 8:34 pm

      What’s your problem? Trolling on the internet for opportunities to inflict your hate?

    • Yolis at 10:11 pm

      Get a sense of humor!!!! I bet ur peachy!!! Lame!!!

  19. Michelle at 7:32 pm

    Can we add I want to feel appreciated? I don’t care if you have to give the kids a script to follow. I would just like one day when no one complains about their food touching, the one tshirt that didn’t make it into the wash that they have to wear that minute, or any of the 5,000 other things that no one stops to say thank you for.

  20. R at 10:49 pm

    Maybe what you all want is a different man. If he wanted to be this way he would be on more than one day a year. Then maybe you could take the appreciation however he chooses to give it.

  21. That '70s Moms at 5:23 am

    Why am i surprised at the nasty comments here? One would think I’d never read a blog post before…sigh. Anyway, great, funny post. I agree – on Mother’s Day i want nothing to do w/my family because they consume me 364 days a year. I wrote a piece you might like (and received similar comments!) – not a list, more of a call to action to moms who want to actually enjoy this hallmark holiday. Check it out if you have a free 2. 5 minutes:


  22. Victoria at 3:30 pm

    Awesome !!!! Right to the point !!!
    This is what I want !!? All of the above!!!

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  26. j at 8:56 pm

    I struggled with infertility for YEARS. And I was finally blessed with 2 of these little blood sucking, needy, adorable, loving monsters. And yes for Mothers Day I do want a few hours alone. To shop for ME. In a mall. Without waiting for the elevator with the stroller. Without carting around snacks, and sipply cups and diapers. And I love my children. I do. I like to think I love them more than most moms love their kids. But part of being a good mom is being a happy mom. And I’m MUCH happier after an hour alone at the mall sipping a latte. And when I’m happy everyone else is happy too. I won’t feel guilty for needing that, no mom should!

  27. Justina Wilkie at 10:17 am

    I dislike the shitty attitude this writer has….how about, you wouldn’t be a mother if it weren’t for them?! Rude! My ideal mothers is exactly what I have planned, zoo trip and ice cream because I actually love my kids.

    • Julie at 9:18 pm

      Wow. This was an unbelievably shitty comment. You know what, I love my kids too. In fact, I took my kids to the zoo for mother’s day and it was lovely. I also got the hell out of my house by myself after that and had a relaxing pedicure…. because sometimes you need a break and that’s ok. It now means you don’t love your kids if you want one day when you don’t wipe a shitty b**t? Or for wanting to sleep in? I have a 4 year old who wakes me up by proclaiming “It’s day, get up!” promptly at sunrise, and I love him, but once in awhile sleep would be nice… and I’m sure if her kids did try to do something, she would smile and say thank you while she gagged down her undercooked, cold eggs at 7 am because she’s a mom and that’s what we do. Tomorrow is my birthday and instead of the yummy birthday dinner and shopping trip to the mall I had planned with my husband, I will be sitting at a baseball game rooting for my 8 year old… but I still laughed and said amen when I read this list, so do I not love my kids?

  28. Lo at 10:48 am

    Geez, it’s a joke! Satire! Some of the rudest and shittiest responses have been from the mothers responding to this post who can’t take a joke! What sourpusses you are!

  29. annabelle at 8:15 pm

    My freeloaders (11, 14, 17) let me fold their laundry and cook their lunch. But my daughter did give me a homemade card entitled, “it’s because if you I’m kinda a b***h” that love coming from her.

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  31. Young at 7:47 pm

    This is awesome, but it is missing #11 wake up clean with whole house cleaned top to bottom!! I’d actually give up most of them for a spotless house even if it’s it’s just for a few minutes.

    • Young at 7:49 pm

      That would be just wake. Not clean, I’m not on drugs!!!!! Lol

  32. Pregnancy at 3:19 pm

    After the two months of being pregnant , the baby is now called fetus officially. Th word means offspring, however, the baby at the stage still gets the nutrition from the yolk sec instead of getting it from the placenta.