What NOT to F’ing buy my kids this holiday


Dear Grammy, Grampy, Nana and Pop Pop,

Ahhh, yes, here we go again. The most wonderful time of the year. For you. For me it’s more like let’s see how much more crap I can fit in my house until TLC comes knocking at my door because they think I’m an F’ing hoarder. I know that you guys are about to jiz (giz???) in your pants you’re so excited about all the shit you can buy for your grandkids this holiday, but not so fast. Before you whip out your Amex/Target/Mastercards, check out this little list of “guidelines” I’ve made for you this year. The following is a list of presents NOT to buy my kids this holiday.

1. Anything alive. Because you know what happens to things that are alive? They die. And you know what sucks? Explaining to my kid why Fluffer Nutter the hamster is as hard as a rock and stuck in his tube. And you know what sucks even worse? Fucker Nutter living a healthy life for years and years to come. Because guess who has to clean his E coli-infested poop cage. Yours F’ing truly. As if wiping two asses besides my own isn’t enough already.

2. Stocking stuffers. Or as I like to call them, cheap pieces of shit. I get enough crappy stocking stuffers year-round for free. They’re called McDonald’s Happy Meal toys. Would you like fries with that? And how about a plastic piece of crap that was made in China and causes cancer.

3. Any toy that hurts when I accidentally step on it with bare feet. I don’t care if the ER doctor is George F’ing Clooney. Getting a bristle block surgically removed from my heel is not worth it.

4. Any toy without an off button. And you know what, I’m going a step further and saying any toy with an off button that doesn’t turn off IMMEDIATELY when you push it. You know the crap I’m talking about. You push the off button and it keeps on yapping, “Woof, woof! Thanks for playing! I’ll see you again later!” I pushed off. If I wanted you to keep talking I would have pushed the dissertation button. It’s like when you’re on the phone and you tell someone you have to go and they say okay but then proceed to ask you a thousand questions.

5. Any toy that requires me to play it with them. Toys are how I keep my kids busy while I’m trying to get important shit done around the house. Like the laundry, and the dishes, and waxing my mustache, and pooping.

6. Barbie dolls. I know I’m supposed to be against them because they give my daughter a false sense of a woman’s body shape, but that’s not what I’m worried about. My kid has no sense of negative self-image yet. If she did, she wouldn’t be doing naked downward dog every night while I’m trying to get her into a pull-up. Nope, I’ll tell you who doesn’t need to see hourglass Barbie bitches everywhere. Me. If I want to feel like shit about my body I just look in my full-length mirror. I don’t need a nine-inch plastic doll to make me feel like a hippopotomus hippopatamus (how the F do you spell this word?!) hippo.

7. This toy.


Just in case this catalog came to your house too, don’t you dare buy this. I know it looks original and all, but I’ll bet this is the kind of shit Jeffrey Dahmer got when he was a kid. I can already picture it. First my kid will be playing with this, and before you know it she’ll be playing with the neighbor’s cat carcass, and then one day the police will show up to take what I thought was leftover meatballs out of my garage freezer but really it’s our babysitter’s head.

8. And speaking of carcasses, stuffed animals. To say we don’t need anymore is the understatement of the year. You know that game where there are a million stuffed animals in a big glass box and you have to steer the claw to try to pluck one out? Sometimes I feel like I live in that. One day I fully expect the claw to drop down through our skylight.

9. Talking dolls. For one, they creep me the shit out. The way they talk without their lips moving like ventriloquists. Freeeaky. And here’s another reason I can’t stand them. Do you know what talking dolls say? Shit like, “Mommy, feed me,” and “I wet myself Mommy. Time for a diaper change!” This is the kind of crap I already hear like 40 times an hour from my own kids, so why in God’s name would I want to hear more of that?

10. Horns, drums, cymbals, pianos, microphones, guitars, maracas, tambourines, bells, whistles, mp3 players, karaoke machines, sirens, rattles, buzzers, alarms, toys that beep, buzz, or have one of those annoying ladies who sings like she’s all serious and shit like my middle school guitar-wielding music teacher.

That’s it. Good luck out there! You’re gonna F’ing need it.

Love and kisses,

Because I’m The Mom

P.S. If you still need a hilarious cheap gift for the holidays, both of my books can be delivered well before Christmas!!! 

There are 26 comments for this article
  1. Ann at 8:32 pm

    Guess what… If your kids truly are little a-holes, they must take after their mother. This is the most ungrateful, self-serving, and anti-parenting thing I’ve read. Seriously, is it that hard to play with your kids. Also, kids make noise. If that’s a problem, you shouldn’t have any. I can’t believe anyone would want to buy something for your kids if you treat them this way.

    • Jenn at 5:27 am

      Wow, one wonders why you clicked through…. get a sense of humor. But as I say to folks he like to ban art and books bec they don’t like it….DON’T LOOK AT IT!!!! Move one…

    • Patti Burnell at 7:17 am

      Wow simmer down Ann, she is just being funny. Seriously all parents can understand how it is when the kiddos get something that requires adult interaction…. they want to play it all the time and then you can’t get anything done. BabySideburns obviously loves her kids and spends lots of time with them. I don’t know why you are on here if you don’t get the point of her blog. She kind of takes everything that parenting is and exaggerates it in a way that makes it funnier. I think all parents have many of the same thoughts she write about whether they admit it or not just in a more muted way.

    • Karli at 10:20 am

      Ann’s an a-hole for leaving that comment and because she obviously hasn’t read any other post. Go away and let the rest of us enjoy poking fun at our noisy messy kids. Buh bye!!!

    • katynana at 12:37 pm

      I agree with you, even if it is satire it sounds so ungrateful and incomprehensible to gripe that much about your kids. Sure those toys can be annoying but kids are only kids for a short time. Not to mention I think it’s a bad idea to call your kids assholes, douchebags etc.

    • robertpaulson at 4:59 pm

      I agree, leave the kids out of it. who doesnt feel good when they see a child’s excitement on christmas morning opening a stocking- even just for a moment. believe me, that stuff isnt junk to a child. stop jading them

  2. Caroline at 9:05 pm

    @Ann Seriously? Go F**k yourself. This is for mommy’s who need a little comic relief. Run along now to Babycenter or some attached parenting blog where the perfect mommy’s make up how wonderful they are. Be gone with you!

  3. Angela at 9:13 pm

    Wow never heard of humor? Baby sideburns is awesome sauce and her blog keeps me from tearing my hair out some days!!! No one is a perfect parent and of you think you are you are sadly mistaken… I haven’t even read the book yet buy if its anything like her blog I will love it. P.S. I love my little A-hole!!!

  4. allnaturalme at 5:34 pm

    Hahahahahahaaaa!!!! OMG I love this!! I love this so much I’m going to post it on my facebook page – so THAT’s a lot of LOVE 🙂

  5. Mali at 11:22 pm

    Love this! I wish I would have seen this before Christmas.

  6. Michelle at 5:20 am

    My NUMBER ONE please do not give my kids toy is LEGO. My oldest child is 7 and has been given Lego again and again since the age of three. We have Lego fire stations, helicopters, police cars, police motorcycles (Yep, all plural: some more than twice even), fishing boat, rescue boat, Lego Chima, Lego System, extra box sets of Lego to extend upon the other Lego sets plus the Lego we had from when we were kids ourselves. Also, we live in the smallest house of pretty much everyone we know, and certainly the smallest house out of any other family member.

    Yes, I know that Lego is a great toy for creativity and imagination etc blah, blah, blah…. but enough is enough. On top of that, I’m the sucker who has to find a storage system for it and make it work, and you know what, life is to short to spend it sorting out pieces of Lego!!!

  7. Jackie at 5:42 am

    You guys are not funny…you are bullies. Sorry you hate thoughtful gifts. Sorry you are the center of the universe. You clothe humor in ugly behavior. I’ve raised my kids and one day, I promise, they will look back and they won’t see the humor. Kids have a great way of remembering not what was done right, but what was failed, especially when they are teenagers. You might think you are venting steam now, but your kids will turn on you, rightfully so, when they read these blogs, remember the words and find no humor.

  8. Courtney at 10:24 pm

    I’m a mother of three girls with my oldest being four, with the first baby all those jazzed up toys and what not are fun…at first. By the time my second turned two holy f**k nuggets and with my third, I am so absolutely annoyed and honestly toys are great but what my kids and I need are the everyday things.

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  10. Lisa at 10:23 am

    Or, Jackie, maybe they’ll laugh their butts off because it’s funny. Maybe they’ll think it’s hilarious because they were raised by a mother with a sense of humor, rather than one with a stick up her a*s. Guess we’ll have to wait a few years to see.

  11. Jackie Jablonski DeCesaris at 11:03 am

    Lisa…don’t call people names, pure and simple. Especially your kids. You can’t even do it in public, not even in a school. Ya know? It isn’t funny, you little asshole. See? It doesn’t feel good.

  12. madlion11 at 4:07 pm

    Wow! You can tell who are faithful readers of Baby Sideburns and people who are SERIOUSLY lacking in humor. Here’s a suggestion, if you don’t find Mommy Sideburns funny….leave her page. That’s it.
    A simple thing really.
    We don’t need to read your opinion on how you feel she is raising her kids, if you feel the need to express how kids should be raised, create your own darn blog. This here blog, is for those of us who heart our little A-holes…..and if you feel that your kid is not a douchenugget, please, by all means feel free to leave.

  13. Pam at 1:40 am

    Hahaha i sent my nephew a cotton candy machine and an electric guitar. .. best aunty ever! !!!!!

  14. Nope at 8:14 pm

    Uuuuuuugh I hope I never turn into a cynical b***h like you. Sad. Put your kids in school and get on with your life. Oh wait. Then what would you blog about? Pathetic.

  15. Jenn Lynn at 10:54 pm

    I don’t know why I am surprised, because people
    Suck in general, but sheesh!! Why are there so many negative comments? If you don’t agree with or don’t like it #1 why did you even read it? #2 why waste time commenting? Just move along. Go read some snooze fest and let the rest of us continue enjoying this! Smh.

  16. Jackie DeCesaris at 10:50 am

    We read this as it came to national attention and was widely regarded as abusive. I’ve not shown this site to my adult kids and they, too agree that when your kids grow up you will really look like the scum of the earth. To children, you are Gods, no matter how old they become because they depend on you. Being so wrapped up in yourself, treating your kids like you own them or they are appendages will backfire. I said very little negative things to my kids, but you’d be surprised what tiny things they placed meaning on when I didn’t intend anything harsh. Kids are constantly worried about thier place of importance with you because they see you as thier only safety. I let my kids play in the wooods alone, carry pocketknives, roam the countryside, and I am not religious. But…send one word of disrespect and thier self esteem plummets. They WILL find out you called them this…family aquaintances will let that info go when they are older. They may never bring the subject up with you, but in teenage years, when things for them are very hard, this blog could end in tragedy. One of my nephews died at age 13 after something a teacher said which was waaaaay more tame than this. You are playing with fire. It isn’t a joke unless everyone is laughing, especially the subject of the joke. This blog post is an essay in narcissism.

  17. Octavia at 1:07 pm

    “Hippopotamus”, and “j**z” and no real darts and dart boards until they’re 25. (My brother gave our 7 and 5 year-old sons this gift.) BTW, our sons are 36 and 34 and everything you’ve mentioned I mentioned years ago to family. I no longer speak with my family.
    Great job

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