How to turn your kid into a total wussy in ten easy steps

1. When you play any game, never ever keep score. If someone’s a winner, someone else has to be a loser, and you don’t want to teach your kid how to be a loser, do you? Losing in Chutes and Ladders has been known to cause a lifetime of failed marriages and binge eating.

2. If someone says even the smallest mean thing to your kid at school, call the principal immediately and demand they do something about the bullying or you’re going to call your lawyer. The best way to teach your kid to stand up for himself is to fight his fights for him.

3. Make sure your child is constantly scheduled in something. School, activities, back-to-back play dates, every birthday party on earth. Over scheduling is your best defense against dangerous things like curiosity and imagination.

4. Make sure you always sign your kid up for everything WITH a friend so they never have to do anything on their own. The last thing you want is for them to have to learn how to make new friends.

5. Frown upon teachers who give out homework. Kids go to school for a whopping 35 hours a week so they really need those other 133 hours just to let loose and have fun.

6. As soon as the other kids at school start getting something like iPhones or lululemon pants, run out as fast as possible and get it for you kid too. You wouldn’t want your kid to feel deprived for a few minutes or not have friends because they don’t have the right material possessions.

7. If your kid falls down, make sure you gasp and immediately pick them up and cover them in band-aids and kisses. They need to know you will always be there for them and will never have to deal with anything on their own.

8. If the coach doesn’t play your kid enough, make sure to bitch and moan about it until they give equal playing time to everyone. And then when your kid can’t score a goal, you just tell them they have to make the goal posts wider.

9. Whatever you do, do not make your kid do chores around the house. They only get to be kids for eighteen years. After that, they’ll have decades and decades to be lazy douchebags.

10. And remember, everyone who participates get a trophy. And make sure it’s the same trophy the winners get. Because they’re all winners! And you definitely want to teach them they can be good at anything. Even the things they suck at.

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And if you want to read other funny shit I write, here are my two highlarious books:  I Heart My Little A-Holes and I Want My Epidural Back!!


There are 14 comments for this article
  1. Janan at 10:33 am

    while i don’t totally agree with #2 because i think bullying is a huge problem in the schools, i’m sure some people blow things out of proportion and run to the principle about every little things. and it probably makes it harder for the ones that actually need the help to get it.

  2. Brandi at 10:53 am

    I love this post! It is so true. I have a good friend and we go head to head about the not keeping score issue, her daughters soccer league will stop putting goals up once one team is so far ahead, but yet they do keep track of them to post online for goal differential to break ties in who makes playoffs. They just don’t want the loosing team to feel bad, you can’t tell me these 10-13 year olds are not keeping count in their heads and if everyone is a winner why have play offs where some teams make it and others don’t! I do not get this whole everyone wins mentality at all!

    Oh and my girls do chores, somemthey do because it is a family and we all pitch in, others they donget an allowance to earn money to learn the value of working for things you want.

    Great post!

  3. AthenaC at 1:59 pm

    I tend to stick out like a sore thumb with the level of responsibility I expect out of my kids. I won’t organize their schoolwork for them, I won’t even force them to do it – I’ll ask them if they have homework and carve out time for them, but that’s it. So when parent-teacher conferences come up and the teachers mention missing assignments, I turn to my then-5th-grader: “What’s your plan to get these done and turn them in?” I could feel the shock radiating from the teachers.

    Fortunately, between being a couple years more mature and a well-placed detention, that particular child is in 8th grade and has her act together. She keeps track of her assignments and follows up with teachers to make sure they record her grades correctly.

    So even though my mother told me I was doing it wrong, I’m glad I persisted in throwing my children to the wolves because they know how to handle their business.

    P.S. I do give my kids some scripts to use with teachers and I do offer to get involved if their efforts to manage the situation don’t work. So I don’t COMPLETELY throw them to the wolves. Just mostly.

    • Jessica at 9:25 pm

      This is perfect. I brought my daughter to her 4th grade parent teacher conference and did the same. I said this is your life and your chance to reach to the stars.

    • AthenaC at 12:10 pm

      If you’ll observe, the author listed nine whole other things in addition to the trophies. So the trophies only make up about 10% of the cause of all that’s wrong..

  4. Nicki at 9:31 pm

    This is awesome! I may print and frame it.
    My daughter once got a participation trophy that was at least 18″ tall. For 8 year old girls softball!!!

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