1. When you play any game, never ever keep score. If someone’s a winner, someone else has to be a loser, and you don’t want to teach your kid how to be a loser, do you? Losing in Chutes and Ladders has been known to cause a lifetime of failed marriages and binge eating.
2. If someone says even the smallest mean thing to your kid at school, call the principal immediately and demand they do something about the bullying or you’re going to call your lawyer. The best way to teach your kid to stand up for himself is to fight his fights for him.
3. Make sure your child is constantly scheduled in something. School, activities, back-to-back play dates, every birthday party on earth. Over scheduling is your best defense against dangerous things like curiosity and imagination.
4. Make sure you always sign your kid up for everything WITH a friend so they never have to do anything on their own. The last thing you want is for them to have to learn how to make new friends.
5. Frown upon teachers who give out homework. Kids go to school for a whopping 35 hours a week so they really need those other 133 hours just to let loose and have fun.
6. As soon as the other kids at school start getting something like iPhones or lululemon pants, run out as fast as possible and get it for you kid too. You wouldn’t want your kid to feel deprived for a few minutes or not have friends because they don’t have the right material possessions.
7. If your kid falls down, make sure you gasp and immediately pick them up and cover them in band-aids and kisses. They need to know you will always be there for them and will never have to deal with anything on their own.
8. If the coach doesn’t play your kid enough, make sure to bitch and moan about it until they give equal playing time to everyone. And then when your kid can’t score a goal, you just tell them they have to make the goal posts wider.
9. Whatever you do, do not make your kid do chores around the house. They only get to be kids for eighteen years. After that, they’ll have decades and decades to be lazy douchebags.
10. And remember, everyone who participates get a trophy. And make sure it’s the same trophy the winners get. Because they’re all winners! And you definitely want to teach them they can be good at anything. Even the things they suck at.
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