So I was out to dinner the other night and there was this woman sitting a few tables away with her baby who was being a total douchenugget. I mean yeah, babies are often douchenuggets, but this one wouldn’t stop screaming and the mom was trying desperately to make her stop and you could tell she was frazzled and tired and at her wit’s end when suddenly she said…
WOMAN: Please just stop crying, Serenity.
And I wanted to burst out laughing. Serenity? SERENITY?!!! Bwhahahahahah. Because this little poop machine was anything but serene. And it got me thinking about baby names. I mean yeah, I remember not choosing certain names because the other kids would make fun of them– BJ, Virgina, Penelopeepee, Willy. But I never thought about the sweet names, the names that would be super hard to say when your kid is being a you-know-what. Because when you’re preggers and your baby’s hanging out in your womb being all sweet and quiet and shit, you never stop to think heyyyy, maybe he won’t always be like this. So without further a-doo-doo, here are a few baby names that maybe you shouldn’t name your newborn:
When your baby won’t sleep more than 16 minutes straight and she’s sinking her piranha jaws into your calloused nips and you feel like you’ve entered a hell you never knew existed, suddenly it might dawn on you that naming your newborn “heaven” spelled backward was the opposite of brilliant. Here’s an idea, maybe you should have named her lleh.
Naming your kid Angel is like begging your kid to pick up a fistful of Sharpies and draw all over your new leather sofa. Unless maybe you call him Angel when he’s sleeping and pick a more suitable nickname for when he’s awake, like DBag.
Why on earth would you look at that scrunched up thing that just came out of your vajayjay with folded ears and covered in a cheesy substance and think, yeahhh, we should name her something that means pretty? I’m just gonna assume that anyone who picks this name was probably high on their epidural or morphine.
When you’re on an airplane and she’s screaming like a banshee and the entire plane wants to throw her out the exit hatch, don’t you dare say her name out loud.
Come to think of it, this might actually be a totally appropriate name for your kid. I mean there’s a good chance every time he racks you in the balls or leaves a Lego for you to step on, you’re gonna shout Jesus anyway. Or if you’re not the religious type, you could always name him Son of a Mofo’s Donkey Nuts, or whatever you usually yell when you get hurt.
So if you’re trying to pick out a name for your baby, lemme make a few suggestions. Lucifer. Damien. Helga. Dick. Poop Machine. Krej. Names that make more sense. Or just you could just go with something regular like Kevin or Bob or Nancy, and then it won’t really matter how they’re acting.
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