A few baby names you probably shouldn’t choose, just sayin’

So I was out to dinner the other night and there was this woman sitting a few tables away with her baby who was being a total douchenugget. I mean yeah, babies are often douchenuggets, but this one wouldn’t stop screaming and the mom was trying desperately to make her stop and you could tell she was frazzled and tired and at her wit’s end when suddenly she said…

WOMAN: Please just stop crying, Serenity.

And I wanted to burst out laughing. Serenity? SERENITY?!!! Bwhahahahahah. Because this little poop machine was anything but serene. And it got me thinking about baby names. I mean yeah, I remember not choosing certain names because the other kids would make fun of them– BJ, Virgina, Penelopeepee, Willy. But I never thought about the sweet names, the names that would be super hard to say when your kid is being a you-know-what. Because when you’re preggers and your baby’s hanging out in your womb being all sweet and quiet and shit, you never stop to think heyyyy, maybe he won’t always be like this. So without further a-doo-doo, here are a few baby names that maybe you shouldn’t name your newborn:

NEVAEH

When your baby won’t sleep more than 16 minutes straight and she’s sinking her piranha jaws into your calloused nips and you feel like you’ve entered a hell you never knew existed, suddenly it might dawn on you that naming your newborn “heaven” spelled backward was the opposite of brilliant. Here’s an idea, maybe you should have named her lleh.

ANGEL

Naming your kid Angel is like begging your kid to pick up a fistful of Sharpies and draw all over your new leather sofa. Unless maybe you call him Angel when he’s sleeping and pick a more suitable nickname for when he’s awake, like DBag.

BELLE

Why on earth would you look at that scrunched up thing that just came out of your vajayjay with folded ears and covered in a cheesy substance and think, yeahhh, we should name her something that means pretty? I’m just gonna assume that anyone who picks this name was probably high on their epidural or morphine.

JOY

When you’re on an airplane and she’s screaming like a banshee and the entire plane wants to throw her out the exit hatch, don’t you dare say her name out loud.

JESUS

Come to think of it, this might actually be a totally appropriate name for your kid. I mean there’s a good chance every time he racks you in the balls or leaves a Lego for you to step on, you’re gonna shout Jesus anyway. Or if you’re not the religious type, you could always name him Son of a Mofo’s Donkey Nuts, or whatever you usually yell when you get hurt.

So if you’re trying to pick out a name for your baby, lemme make a few suggestions. Lucifer. Damien. Helga. Dick. Poop Machine. Krej. Names that make more sense. Or just you could just go with something regular like Kevin or Bob or Nancy, and then it won’t really matter how they’re acting.

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12 responses to “A few baby names you probably shouldn’t choose, just sayin’

  1. lolololol well it’s a good thing I named my kid wednsdae(yes like the day but spelled different) …or maybe it’s not so great she is a lot like Wednesday Adams 😱😨😳😂

  2. Anyone who buys a new leather sofa during the toddler years is just asking for trouble. (Says the mom using an old second or third hand sofa until the kiddos are past… everything…)

  3. I overheard a woman full-on screaming at her child in a grocery store.. they ended up behind me in line, and that’s when I discovered that the child’s name was Patience. Yup. Perhaps the mother’s name was Irony?

  4. Krej!

    • In middle school, someone relayed a story about an actor telling another to “p**s off, j**k” but that he later stated that they were now great friends. So we decided that if that was going to be a declaration of friendship, then obviously the reverse was what was really terrible, and we began telling each other “ffo ssip, krej.”

      It was funnier to 13 year old me.

  5. As long as it isn’t something from the dictionary they chose after blindfolding themselves before opening the book and throwing a dart.. or just plain effing making up…. I don’t care. Call your hell spawn angel. She’s an angel of Satan. Call your gangster Jesus…. whatever. Just stop making this $hit up and naming your kid dumb a$$ non-names. Like “oh… Sweetheart, he’s going to be called Bald Edwin Jackson! It’s lovely isn’t it?”…. no. No heifer it isn’t ‘lovely’. It’s a curse. And you deserve one too.

  6. Ha ha ha “Lleh” … that made me laugh out loud. So accurate and hilarious!

  7. My family made sure not to get creative with kidlet names. Well, not TOO creative anyway. With my eldest, I went very traditional. I named him after my brother and grandfather, Christopher James. But he only heard those when he was in trouble. He preferred CJ. With my middle son, we wanted to honor both his father’s and my heritages so we named him Dakota Cameron (his sperm donor is Native). When it came to my youngest, I had a name picked out early, but then a dear family friend passed. I named him after her, Terrance. His middle name is Denali which means “big one” in the Athabaskan Indian language and “precious one” in Hindi. Denali really fit him because he was 5wks preemie and still 7lbs 5oz, 20″. From the age of 4, he’s been the same size (within an inch) as his brother who is nearly 4yrs his senior. So, yeah….”big one” fits! LOL

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