Okay, let’s play a game. It’s called “whose night sucked the most?” Like maybe your kid woke you up four times in the middle of the night, or maybe your rugrat had the stomach bug and splatter-painted your shins with vomit, or maybe your hubby came home drunk and decided to wake you out of a dead sleep to be “romantic.” Anyways, misery loves company and last night my night totally sucked so how about I tell you about mine and then you can tell me about yours and then we’ll see whose sucked the worst. So here goes.
Last night my hubby was going out so it was just me and the kids and since it’s spring break, I was like awesome, I’ll do something a little extra fun with them. Like take them somewhere fun for dinner or go to a movie or do game night, but nope, they had a different idea.
ZOEY: Can we play with our new drones?
ZOEY: Dro-nes, dro-nes, dro-nes…
HOLDEN: DRO-NES, DRO-NES, DRO-NES!!!!
Their chanting was so annoying that I finally caved because agghhhh, just shut up already!!!!
Anyways, their grandpa sent them these stupid drones (uhhh, I mean super thoughtful gift) and I’d been avoiding them like the plague because I suck at technology but fine. I opened up the instructions that were miniscule and clearly written by someone who doesn’t speak English, not that theres anything wrong with not speaking English… UNLESS you happen to be writing instructions in ENGLISH. But I digress. Anyways, I was trying to make the night special so I sucked it up and got the drones ready. I even made sure to do them both at the same time so that one kid wasn’t shitting a brick because the other’s was ready first. That was my first mistake because apparently when you set them up at the same time, they both pair with the same controller. Zoey’s.
HOLDEN: Mine isn’t working!!
ZOEY: Mine is!! This is the most fun toy ever!!!! Wheeeeeee!!!
HOLDEN: WHY ISN’T MINE WORKING?!!!!!!
ZOEY: Heyyy, look, I’m controlling Holden’s too!! This is awesome!!!
HOLDEN: Zoey, that’s mine!! Stop playing with mine, STOP!!!!
Holden was freaking the F out and screaming until Zoey flew them both up so high they almost hit the power line so I started freaking out too…
ME: Don’t hit the power line!! Zoey, stop!!!! DON’T HIT IT!!!!!!
But she couldn’t figure out how to make them come down so they just kept going up and up and up until Holden’s flew over the fence into the neighbor’s yard and he was devastated and screaming that it was gone forever, which is so stupid because the neighbors are like our best friends and their fence is see-through so we could totally see the drone lying there in the grass.
So I made Zoey go get it and then I had to reset them both. And this time it worked. So well that Holden flew his drone at like 100 miles per hour straight into my face and the little propeller cut my chin and I started to cry. Literally. And Holden burst into tears because he hurt me. I shit you not. I have a drone injury on my face. See?
Yes, I know it looks itty bitty, but it was bleeding and it hurt like a bitch and if you don’t believe me, stand right there and I’ll fly a drone at your face so you can see. But I didn’t want to make Holden feel worse so I pulled my shit together and put on a brave face.
ME: Hey guys, why don’t we go back inside and you guys can go play while I make a special dinner and then we can watch a movie?!
ZOEY: What is the special dinner?!
ME: It’s a surprise!!
ZOEY: But WHAT is it?!
ME: I’m not going to tell you. I promise you’ll like it.
ZOEY: Tell us or we won’t go play.
ME: Fine. It’s called a pupu platter.
I wait for them to burst out laughing. Anything with the word poo in it makes them laugh.
HOLDEN: WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I don’t want to eat poo!!!!
Nope, not exaggerating. He’s bawling his eyes out.
ME: It’s not poo, honey, it’s a pupu platter. You’ll like it. I swear.
HOLDEN: Noooooooooo, I don’t want to eat poo!!!! Wahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
ME: Fine, I’ll make quesadillas.
So I calmed him down and as soon as they left the room I started making the quesadillas AND the pupu platter, which really wasn’t Asian at all and was just a hodgepodge of crap they like like chicken nuggets and pigs in blankets and other frozen stuff but I called it a pupu platter because what kindergarten boy doesn’t think poop is hilarious? Oh, apparently mine.
Five minutes later because everything was nukeable…
ME: KIDS, DINNER!!!!!
Zoey came sprinting into the room.
ME: Tadaaa, a pupu platter!!
ZOEY: This is awesome!
ME: Where’s your brother?
ZOEY: In the bathroom.
Annnnd isn’t that perfect? Holden was late for the pupu platter because he was pupu’ing. How appropriate (or inappropriate) is that?!!
And ten minutes later he was still pupu’ing so I went upstairs to check and make sure he didn’t fall in or something.
ME: Hey buddy, you okay?
I poked my head into the bathroom and then I saw it. Awesome. Someone had thrown fistfuls of the cat food into the cat’s water bowl so now all the pieces were bloated and huge and basically his bowl was like a big soggy brown mess. I accused Holden right away.
ME: Did you do that?
HOLDEN: (like he was seeing it for the first time) WHO did that?!
ME: That’s what I’m asking.
HOLDEN: Zoey did it.
Hmmmmm. Interesting. So I told him to tell the truth and he said he was even though he clearly wasn’t, but he sounded kinda convincing so I called Zoey up there…
ZOEY: (like she was seeing it for the first time) WHO did that?!
ME: Did you?
ZOEY: No!! Maybe the cat did it?
ME: Ummm nooo, the cat does not have opposable thumbs to pick stuff up. Well, I guess we’re not watching a movie tonight guys.
Both kids burst out crying.
ZOEY: That’s NOT fair!!!! I didn’t do anything!
HOLDEN: Neither did I!!!!
ME: One of you is lying and besides, I’m going to be too busy cleaning out the cat’s water bowl so NO MOVIE.
And I made sure to groan a lot as I bent down to pick the bowl up off the ground, but I had to move really slowly and carefully so I wouldn’t spill the disgusting bowl of bloated gross cat food, and I was successful… until I hit the bottom of the stairs. So you know when you think you’re at the bottom but you’re really not so you’re expecting the floor to be flat only there’s one more step?
I don’t know if I actually yelled it out or kept it in my head, but that disgusting wet cat food went everywhere. EVERYWHERE. In every single nook and cranny. Seriously, I had to sit there with Q-tips getting it out of one of our vents.
By the time bedtime rolled around, I’d had it. I was done. D-O-N-E.
ZOEY AND HOLDEN: Can we sleep in your bed?!!!
I didn’t even have to say no. They saw the look on my face and knew the answer.
ZOEY: Wait, Holden, wanna do a sleepover in your room?!!
Sighhhh, I couldn’t be mad at them anymore. And just like that, they started cuddling and made me forget how bad the night sucked. Kinda sorta.
Man, do I love these kids. Especially when they’re sleeping.
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