WTF, have you seen this? It’s called the Tweetpee and apparently this is the newest technology Huggies is testing out. Basically you clip this doodad to your kid’s diaper crotch and when your kid pees, you get a tweet on your smart phone to let you know.
I feel like it’d be constantly telling me my kid’s diaper is wet and I’d go through like 9 million diapers a week. Ahh-haaaa, and I think I just figured out why Huggies is doing this. Anyways, I couldn’t help but have a few thoughts about the Tweetpee:
1. Who the F needs an app to tell them their kid is wet? Duh, it’s why kids have vocal cords. Unless you’re like me and had them removed.
2. I don’t get it, what’s wrong with the way I check my kid’s diaper now? I just grab his package and see how squishy the diaper feels.
3. Apparently this thing works by detecting humidity “down there.” WHAT?!! I don’t need no fancy device to figure that shit out. Alls I do is put my head down by my kid’s crotch and if my hair frizzes up like I’m in Florida, I know it’s at least 70% humid with pee-pee.
4. Look at that wide-eyed bird. You know what he’s thinking? “This is like the worst F’ing job on the planet— hanging out on kids’ crotches and detecting humidity. Kill me now.”
5. I sure as hell hope Tweetpee has an attitude. “Yo mama, it’s a diaper not an F’ing ShamWow. Change your piss-machine already.”
6. The Tweetpee app even tracks the number of diapers someone’s changed in a day. “You’ve changed eleven diapers today.” No shit Sherlock, I should know since I got urine in my mouth, shit under my fingernails, and projectile poop on the living room wall.
7. I can just see it now. My kid’s little friend Ella comes struttin’ over to him at Gymboree…
ELLA: Hey there Holden, is that a Tweetpee in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
8. Or how about this? I’m sitting in a business meeting when suddenly my smart phone starts to tweet.
CLIENT: Do you need to get that?
ME: Nahhh, it’s just letting me know my kid urinated. Ready to sign these contracts?
9. Yo Huggies, is this seriously the technology you’re working on? ‘Cause I’ll tell you what I’ve been dreaming of. A full body diaper that goes all the way over my kid’s head to collect whatever comes out of every orifice. Seriously, is that too much to ask for?
10. I dare someone to buy this thing when it comes out and every time it tweets you about your diaper, retweet it and let everyone know your kid just urinated. You’re guaranteed to get some favorites on that shit. Not.
11. I don’t know, I’d just feel weird clipping that thingie on his thingie, that tweeter on his tweeter, that bird on his bird, that chirper on his chopper, that duckie on his dickie, that blue robin on his pink torpedo, that whistler on his beef whistle. Just sayin’.
12. Seriously, Huggies, did you just put a talk bubble coming out of this kid’s genitals? ‘Cause I gotta know, what exactly does a baby’s peeper say?