TEN REASONS MY FIVE-YEAR-OLD WOULD MAKE THE MOST KICKASS GIRLFRIEND EVER

1. All you gotta do is buy the girl a $4 Happy Meal at Mickey D’s and she’d pretty much agree to marry you.

2. Quite often she will spontaneously lift her dress up over her head for no reason at all.

3. She will proudly fart in front of you without reservation and will laugh hilariously if you rip a good one.

4. Screw Tiffany’s. This girl would rather you buy her a big ole FAKE diamond than a small REAL one.

5. She’s totally into role-playing. Want her to bark like a dog? Alls you gotta do is ask.

6. She couldn’t give a rat’s ass what you’re wearing and won’t even notice if you show up in ripped jeans and a tank top.

7. She HAAAAAAAAATES shopping.

8. Give her candy and she will do pretty much ANYTHING you want.

9. She has absolutely zero negative self-body image and prefers to walk around naked.

10. She will happily keep you company while you poop and might even serenade you.

Sorry boys, she’s not available now and won’t be for at least 25 years when her daddy and I will be carefully selecting her husband, but hopefully she’ll still be doing all this stuff then.

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And don’t forget, Mother’s Day is only two weeks away, and guess what makes a HILARIOUS present!!! I Heart My Little A-Holes. It’s the least you can do for the woman who gave up her perineum for you.