Holy crap do I suck at making school lunches
Okay, so now that Zoey is in kindergarten I have to pack her lunch for school, which is like the hardest thing on earth because she doesn’t eat jack shit. Well, she eats peanut butter but we can’t pack that because it might kill a kid, and I’m not really into killing children. Well, besides my own when they’re acting like douchenuggets.
Anyways, every day I comb through the cabinets desperately searching for something healthy Zoey will actually eat, as if something magical is going to pop up that I didn’t think of for the past three weeks. Oh I know, veggie straws!!! Yeah, those are healthy because they have pictures of real vegetables on the package. Not.
So I end up putting the same damn thing I put in her lunchbox every day. Cheese and strawberries. Because those are the only two healthy things she’ll eat. And then I fill the rest of the lunchbox with crap like goldfish and teddy grahams and other shit because I’m scared if she doesn’t eat she’ll be hungry and cranky and won’t learn and will hate school. And then at the end of the day she brings home her lunchbox and oooh look at that, she ate everything, except for the cheese and strawberries. Awesome.
And you know what makes me feel even worse about being such a crappy lunchbox packer? All of these adorable lunches that I’m seeing online that people are packing for their kids. And by adorable I mean F’ing annoying. Have you seen this shit? Just go to Pinterest and you’ll see like 9,000 of them. Here are a few of my favorites:
Okay, that might look totally awesome but WTF kinda food is that? It looks like rice and dog food on a bed of asparagus, pea pods and broccoli. I imagine it was made by one of those super annoying moms who only wears tennis skirts and says shit like, “Your kid won’t eat kale? How odd. My son LOVES anything green as long as it’s in the shape of a Sendak character or a post-Renaissance painting.”
Sooo cute, I LOVE the flower-shaped carrot in the flower cup. And carrots are so easy to cut. But WTF was this mom thinking putting the elephant shape in a plain ole round bowl? I give her an F for effort.
You just know little Muffy McPinterest is all like “Honey, don’t tilt your lunchbox or Elsa’s eyeballs might fall off. AGGGHHHHH, DON’T F’ING TILT IT!!! I woke up at 4AM to make that and it has to be perfect or the other kids won’t be jealous of you!!”
Anyways, there’s only one thing I have to say about all this stuff. WTFFFFFFF????!!!!!! Who the hell has time for shit like this? Seriously, overachiever Pinteresty moms, do you know what you are doing to us normal people?! Here I was thinking I was gonna win mother-of-the-year because I drew a cute picture on Zoey’s napkin and managed not to put a giant hole through it with the pen, when all this time the kid next to her is opening up a bento box that illustrates the Lord of the Rings Trilogy in tofu and edamame with flax seed accoutrements.
But fine, whatever, I don’t want my kid to be the ONLY one without an edible masterpiece. I’ll play the stupid “I’m a better mom than you” game. That’s right, ladies, you’re goin’ down because you’re not the only one who can design fancy lunches for your kiddo. Read’m and weep.
M-I-C-K-E-Y. Why? I have no F’ing idea. Yo kid, don’t eat the googly eyes or you might choke to death.
I call this yogurt recipe “Dropping the kids off at the pool!!”
It’s a tree. Seriously. It’s. A. Tree.
Does a bear shit in the woods? He does now.
xoxoxo Mom
If you want to know how to make any of my artistic lunch creations, I don’t blame you. They’re pretty F’ing amazeballs. I will be sharing them along with full instructions on Pinterest. No, that’s a lie. If you want to make these, figure it out yourself.
And if you liked this, please don’t forget to press the Facebook like and subscribe to this page!! And check out my book I Want My Epidural Back. It’ll make you feel like a better parent. Compared to me at least.
OMG I laughed so hard at the ‘tree’. But A for effort. I go through this guilt of being a BAD mom every single day. Now I know I am not alone.
I used to cut my kids sandwich with a cookie cutter, and toss in some carrots-and thought I was a genius for coming up with that idea. I kid you not.
She turned out just fine in spite of my ineptitude-she’s an elementary school teacher who has actually commented on the Bento Boxes kids are bringing to school now. Sooooooooo glad there was none of that kind of pressure when she was little. Or-maybe there was, and I was just oblivious to it. But so was she.
You rock the casbah. That is all. Dying!
Ok, I have a story that totally wins mom of the year (not) and will make you feel better about your kiddos lunches. A friend of mine puts together lunch for her high school child b/c, let’s face it, teenagers are cranky all the time and no one wants to start their day off arguing about lunch. So she gets a text from her daughter about 10:30 saying “do you want to tell me why there is a bud lite in my lunch bag today?!” My friend text back telling her that she honest and truly though she grabbed a diet Pepsi! Her daughter then took a picture of the inside of her lunch bag and sure enough, it was a beer not a soda. This could have ended horribly but luckily the teen was able to make it through the day without incident. Needless to say, that’s one way to get your teenager to start packing their own lunch!
Soooooo true! I totally suck at packing lunches, and I’m ok with it. ?
There aren’t enough frickin hours in the day for this kind of insanity. Plus, my daughter HAAAATES Frozen. Culture has really got to overkill the holy hell out of something to make a 7 year old straight up hate it like she does. I can’t even get her to wear her Frozen t-shirt anymore. Luckily, there’s eBay…………..
I gave up. Too many lunches coming home uneaten means they make their own f*****g lunches. If you home sick Nd I get a day off, I’ll make us chicken noodle soup. From a can. Or ramen noodles… (S**t, they need SOMETHING to tell their therapist, right??? Mother of the year. Right here)
I made my daughter a cute lunch once and when she came home I asked her if she just loved her lunch. She said no please don’t make me anything like that anymore. I’ll take it lol
That was hilarious and so true! I literally just got done making lunches as well, thinking the same thing…. same problem peanut free etc so this made my night!!
Omg you kill me! I want to make these for my toddler who only eats hummus and peanut butter and carbs. And no kid killing pb allowed at Mother’s Day Out! Every day I think his teacher must think I’m a lazy a*s for packing hummus and crackers and an (organic) nutrigrain bar. Yes because at least the synthetic fruit is organic…
? I never thought of sending a tree! Maybe I will send this in a super Glued container so the teacher can open it and be a little jealous with the work of art!
Sunbutter isnt bad…you can get it at Whole Foods. It’s made from sunflower seeds and no nuts… Or if you can do tree nuts, Nutella ( mostly sugar but some good stuff!), which my daughter will eat all day long and I eat by the spoonful!
http://www.swansonvitamins.com/sunbutter-sunbutter-sunflower-seed-spread-natural-16-oz-jar?SourceCode=INTL415&CAWELAID=948769126&mkwid=wNbnFOLL&pcrid=4261374722&utm_source=bing&utm_medium=cpc&utm_term=%7Bkeyword%7D&utm_content=415-01+Healthy+Foods&utm_campaign=415-01+Product+Ads
I gotcha Pinterest lunches right here! (See “tree” above!)
So I thought I would leave a comment on this one bcuz we have all been there.
To the young mom’s take a load off and chill.
My son is 16 and when he used to take a lunch cuz now he just prefers to starve
(fine with me cuz he’s grown and we all make choices right)
He was taking a plain no condiments balogna sandwich w/juice box for about 8 yrs cuz he wouldn’t eat anything else and my 9yr old daughter only takes snacks because she won’t eat sandwiches. But hey they both alive and the boy is built like a brick house so he must have eaten at some point.
All of these pretentious mothers are just trying to make up for what they lack which is…a life.
Hi – just found your page through word of mouth. A little late to post on this, but I will post anyway. My daughter is a pretty picky eater too, but I found that she notices what other kids are bringing to school in their lunches and is more willing to try foods that she would stick her nose up at otherwise.
So, there is a bit of hope. When all else fails, Lunchables are a good option- though not extremely healthy and somewhat expensive too.
PS – Not sure who has the time to create these works of art that a kid will most likely toss in the trash or will eventually mold when they lose their lunch box and you find it a week later in the lost and found at school.
Hilarious post! I live in Japan and just started making obento for my kid too. I am going to try the bear pooping in the woods next, she’ll love that!