Target is not the store of my dreams. YET.

OMFG, I am SOOOOO excited!!! It’s like Target came to my room one night, saw me down on my knees and decided to literally answer my prayers. Did you hear about this?! Supposedly Target is building a new store in Chicago WITH A BAR IN IT!!!! Eeeeeks!! Yup, as in you can walk up to a counter, order a martini and then try your best not to spill it as you run around the store like a crazy person yelling, “I am shopping in the best store on earth with a martini in my hand!!!!!”

I mean yeah, I’m a little bit frightened about allllll the shit I’m gonna buy when I’m wasted, but A. I can always return shit when I’m sober. And B. Target really doesn’t sell bad shit. They sell awesome shit I’m going to be glad I bought. I mean really the only person who should be upset about this and marching outside their headquarters with a protest sign is my hubby because as soon as I can legally drink in Target, he is so F’ed. No I’m sorry honey, we can’t afford electricity this month because Target has a bar now!!

Anyways, I could go on and on about why this news is so F’ing awesome, but it got me thinking. If Target REALLY wants to build the store of my dreams, sure, a bar is priority numero uno, but here are twelve other things I want in it too:

1. I don’t want a regular old shopping cart. I want a souped up shopping cart with a cupholder, a place to put my shopping list so it doesn’t blow away and an over-the-shoulder harness for my kiddo like what you find on an upside down roller coaster. That way when my back is turned because I can’t F’ing remember whether we use Charmin Ultra Soft or Charmin Ultra Strong, my little Houdini can’t escape the joke of a seatbelt and fall on his head and die.

2. I want a cash register line for people who have fifteen items or less. I mean no, I’ll probably never get to use it, but at least I can stand there and applaud the shoppers in Target who manage to do the impossible.

3. I want a giant bin in the front of the store with fully gift-wrapped $15 birthday presents with “to/from” labels on them. I mean I guess I won’t know what the hell I’m buying, but right now I stand there for twenty minutes trying to decide whether to buy somebody else’s rugrat the baby doll that wets itself or the moopsy poopsy koala bear that shits gold when really all that kid is gonna play with is the box it came in anyways.

4. I want the cashier to stop saying shit like, “You saved $16 today!” Because here’s the thing, if I had to swipe my credit card, I did not SAVE money.

5. I want black curtains all around the toy section so it looks like the old XXX section in a video store. That way my douchenuggets can’t see what’s in there and I can lie and say, “Nooo, there aren’t toys in there. That’s the broccoli and homework section.”

6. I don’t want have to to sign the credit card machine if I spend OVER $50. Because right now Target doesn’t make people sign if they spend UNDER $50 and we all know that never really happens.

7. I want a babysitter in the parking lot who will come sit in my car when I have to run into the store quickly. ‘Cause the last thing I want to schlep around while I’m shopping for wine with my wine is two whiney crotchmuffins.

8. I want them to sell cheap reusable bags at the registers, or in the least start offering paper ones. Because with the amount of shit we all buy at Target, I fully predict that by the time my great grandchildren are born, the earth is gonna look red and white from outer space because of all the Target bags that won’t decompose.

9. I want every other spot in the parking lot to be a cart corral. Because real shoppers know that the best spot is not the closest one to the store. It’s the one with the cart corral next to it.

10. I want an app that tells me which of my friends are shopping at Target right now with a location device so I can find them. That way the UPS guy won’t be the only person I have an adult conversation with today.

11. Gift receipts might be awesome but here’s something I really want. Husband receipts. So when I walk into the house carrying a gazillion Target bags and he glares at me, I can hand him a husband receipt instead of the real one and say, “See? I only spent $27.”

12. I want my Target to be open 24-hours a day. Because when I’m running in to grab toilet paper because “someone” forgot to write it on the list, I shouldn’t slam face-first into the automatic glass doors because it’s not 8:00AM yet. Cough cough, not that that’s ever happened to me.

If you like this and want Target to see it and build the most awesome Tarjay EVERRRRRRR, please don’t forget to push the like and share buttons!!

Also, don’t forget to check out my first book I Heart My Little A-Holes. It’s almost as entertaining as Target. ALMOST.