Old McDonald had a wussy, wah wah wah wah wahhhhh

So I know this is going to come as a complete surprise to you, but I’m like a total Super Mom… when someone else’s kid is at my house. I don’t know why, but for some reason when someone else’s rugrat comes over to play, I feel this crazy need to impress them. Maybe it’s because I want them to tell their mom what a kickass mom I am. Maybe it’s because I think they’ll like my kid more if they have a great time. Or maybe I just want to make sure they’ll want to come back again to play so my kid has friends. But whatever the reason is, the second they walk through the door I turn from Big Ass Crankymom into Little Miss Niceypants.

ME (WHEN WE DON’T HAVE SOMEONE OVER): Ummm, no, you can’t have dessert because you didn’t eat your liverwurst sandwich and drink the pureed kale vomit smoothie I made and please can you just go watch some TV and leave me the F alone?

ME (WHEN WE HAVE A PLAY DATE OVER): Yippppeeee, who wants to do this totally awesome arts and crafts project that I found on Pinterest that involves a shitload of glitter while we all eat a big box of chocolate cookies and then go to Six Flags?!!

I’m sure Zoey and Holden must be like who the hell is this person and did someone kidnap our real mom and if so can they keep her forever so we can keep this one instead?

So anyways, Holden wanted to have his buddy Aladdin over for a play date the other day so I was like sure, and then I started racking my brain to come up with some total Super Mom activity to do with the boys. Hey, I know, it’s supposed to be hot that day so I can take them to the animal farm. In my head I imagined them petting all the cute little animals and even curling up with them for pictures and having the best time ever. In reality you walk on poop everywhere you go and there’s a carousel that’s so old I’m pretty sure baby Jesus once rode on it and there’s a prehistoric train that spits black smoke out so if you sit in the first few cars you breathe it in and get cancer and look like a chimney sweep by the end of the ride. But remember, I’m Super Mom, so I’m not thinking about all that.

Anyways, the big day came and Aladdin’s mommy dropped him off.

ME: Do you mind if I take the boys to the farm?

HER: Wow, you’re ambitious. You don’t have to do that.

ME: Why not? It’ll be fun.

HER: Uhh, okay. Good luck.

What she didn’t tell me is like a thousand reasons why I might not want to take her son to a farm. Yo Aladdin’s mommy, helllloooo, have you ever taken your kid to a farm before? I’m guessing not because wait til you hear about the hell your child put me through. That or you knew and you were just playing a total a-hole trick on me in which case this is what I will be giving to Aladdin for his birthday.

Okay, so as soon as we pull up to the farm, the first thing I do is put sunscreen on Holden. Doo doo doo doo doooooo. Okay, buddy, all done. Aladdin, your turn.

I start to do it but as soon as I’ve gotten sunscreen on one leg and he realizes what I’m doing, this kid starts to FREAK out. Not freak out. FAAAREAK THE F OUT. I shit you not. If you saw us you would probably call the police for child abuse, but heck If I’m letting this kiddo stand in the 5,000 degree sun (no idea how hot the sun really is and I’m too lazy to look it up) and get fried to a crisp so I have to hand him back to his mom looking like a piece of Teriyaki beef jerky. So I continue to vice grip one of his arms and haphazardly spread sunscreen all over his body, but at some point he manages to get away from my grip and he tears across the parking lot which thank God is still empty since I am currently Super Mom who gets to places way early before they even open.

ME: Aladdin, come bacccck, sweetie pie!! I haven’t finished your neck yet!!!

But this kid is like helllll no and keeps fighting me but I finally tackle him to the ground and finish applying the sunscreen. Once I finish he’s swatting himself like there are bees all over him and I’m like dude, it’s done, get over it. Finally I take a t-shirt out of the car and I pretend to wipe off the sunscreen and for some reason this is acceptable and we’re good to go.

We head inside and find out that the carousel and the train don’t open until 11:00 which is perfect because we can just look at the animals for an hour and then go on the rides after. Ennnh, wrong again! Because here’s what really happens.

First we find this very funny horse that is literally lying on its back and doing all sorts of crazy things to scratch himself. I mean usually horses just stand there and do nothing, but this horse is actually doing something cool.

ME: Hey guys, look at this horse!

ALADDIN: Okay. Let’s go to the next one.

Uhhhhh, seriously?

ME: Aladdin, Holden, look at him scratching. It’s really funny.

ALADDIN: Next.

Awww shit, if this is how fast he looks at the animals we’re going to be done with the whole farm in like four minutes. But hey, he’s the guest and I really want him to have an awesome time so let’s do what he wants to do. So in the next 8 seconds we see the pigs which Aladdin is scared of, the chickens that scare Aladdin, the llamas who thankfully don’t spit on Aladdin because when I lift him up to see he basically shits his pants and makes me put him down, the cows that Aladdin won’t go near and more horses that are even more boring to Aladdin than the first horse.

ME: Do you guys want to go pet the goats?

Yeah, I know by now I should know that this kid is scared shitless of animals and would NOT want to pet a goat, but we still have 46 minutes until the rides open and really this place is known for the goat-petting area, so that’s what we’re gonna do.

Now to get inside the goat pen, you have to go through two gates, you know, so the goats can’t escape if one gate is open and they get through. Aladdin of course is scared to go inside, which makes Holden act like a total wussy too, so I tell them to come inside but just to wait by the gate and I’ll show them how nice the goats are first so they can see.

ME: Heeeere little goaty goaty.

Awwwww it’s full of baby goats and I pick up one of the nasty-ass goat brushes and I start brushing all the babies. Not only are they super cute, but they totally want me to brush them and they’re all nuzzling up to me and the boys see how sweet they are.

HOLDEN: I want to brush them!

ALADDIN: Me too!!!

Woohoooooo, victory!!!!! They like something! So they each head over to grab a brush and as soon as they do, the baby goats start walking towards them (insert Jaws music here). Holy shitballs, who knew baby goats could be as scary as great whites, but you learn a new thing every day. The boys both shit a brick and start crying and throwing themselves at the gate, but they can’t open it and the goats are still following them and I’m running towards them from across the pen.

ME: It’s okay, boys, they’re nice!!! It’s okay!

But the boys are literally clinging to the top of the fence trying to pull themselves over it which of course is impossible and I’m trying to open the gate but the goats are playfully head-butting me trying to get out too so I can’t open the gate or else the boys will be stuck between the two gates with a goat and will probably have heart attacks.

Anyways, after what feels like forty minutes, I finally manage to get the two traumatized boys out the gate without any goats and I’m yelling at them, “Nooooo, don’t put your hand in your mouth!!!! You were just holding goat brushes!!! I have hand sanitizer!!!” Oh, imagine that, the boy who didn’t want me to put sunscreen on him is absolutely refusing to be cleaned with hand sanitizer. Go figure. Fine, whatever. You come down with Mad Goat Disease. What do I care?

So the rest of the day is super fun. We go into this little house that has all these adorable cats that scare the shit out of Aladdin. Then we go to the carousel and while the boys are riding it I sprint to a disgusting porta potty and I have to push the pee out as fast as possible so I can finish before their ride is over and they get off and can’t find me and start crying or get kidnapped. And then we ride the train and it feels like it’s going to break down the whole time and all I can think about is how the hell am I going to walk Holden and Aladdin back like two miles?

And there you go. It’s a miracle we all made it through that day alive. I’d like to say that next time Aladdin or any other kid comes over to our house to play that I’m going to chill out and let them just play in the playroom, and if I’m really feeling the need to impress just offer them some lemonade or cookies, but that’s probably not what’s gonna happen. Super Mom will probably take over and accidentally say something like, “Hey, do you guys want to go to Rainforest Café for lunch or go indoor sky diving or log onto Pinterest and find a super complicated three-tier wedding cake to bake together? Stay tuned for that story, you know, if I actually survive it.

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