Pinworms?!! WTF is pinworms?!!! Because I’m pretty sure we don’t want that

So this is how it all begins.

ME: What’s the matter, buddy? Did you have a bad dream?

HOLDEN: My tushy itches.

ME: Awww, I’m sorry. In the morning I’ll take a look.

I mean yeah, I know I should probably take him into the bathroom right now but it’s 3AM and I don’t really feel like waking up completely and looking down the eye of the bunghole. So I convince him to go back to sleep, and by the time we wake up I forget about it.

And then it’s the next night.

ME: Okay, buddy, let’s put on your jammies.

HOLDEN: My tushy tickles.

ME: Again? Okay, let’s take a look.

So I take him into the bathroom, he drops his drawers and ruh-rohhh, looks like my little buddy’s got baboon butt. Okay, no biggie. Desitin time.

ME: Let’s put a little cream on it, okay?

HOLDEN: Noooooo.

ME: It doesn’t hurt, it’s just cream.

HOLDEN: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Okay, now usually I would just tackle him to the ground and forcefully put the cream on him, but we’re talking about smearing something on my kid’s tush-hole and well, force-smearing something down there just seems like it’s gonna have all kinds of psychological repercussions (translation: years of expensive therapy), so after about twenty minutes of convincing him that Desitin doesn’t hurt, he finally let’s me put some on. And by the next day, his tush is looking better. Phew.

Night three.

HOLDEN: Mommmmyyyyyy!!! MOMMMMMMMYYYYYYY!

ME: Ugggh, seriously? What?

HOLDEN: It tickles, it tickles!!

I’m beginning to think someone’s got a case of Itchy Tushy Fakititus and has figured out that he can use this as an excuse to call me into his room in the middle of the night, but then I’m watching him play in the backyard the next day and I see him scratch wayyyyyy in there and I’m like shit, maybe he’s not faking it.

So I do exactly what you’re NOT supposed to do. I Google it.

Search bar: My boy’s anus itches

Jeeeezus, did I seriously just type “boy’s anus” into my search bar? I’m totally going to jail for kiddy porn. But much to my surprise (and relief) the first thing that pops up is not naked kiddos. This is what I see:

PINWORMS

Sphincter says what? WTF is pinworms???? Because that sounds totally gross in every single possible way. And now my tush hole is itching too because all I can think about is worms in the butt. It’s like when they send the lice letter out from school and your head starts itching the second you read it. Only it’s not little bugs in your hair. It’s slimy worms in your butt. Eww. Eww. Ewwwww.

I quickly learn that you get pinworms by ingesting pinworm eggs that eventually hatch inside you and then the pinworms travel through your intestines and then crawl out of your butt at night to lay eggs in your anus. That whole F’ing sentence should be a typo because it is sooooo wrong.

Okay, we are not messing around here. Time to call the pediatrician and see if we can get a butt transplant.

NURSE: Hi, this is Angela, how can I help you?

ME: Uhhhh, my son’s butt is itching (wait, no, that makes it sound like his butt cheeks are itching and that’s misleading. Shit, I can’t say butthole to the nurse.) Ummm, I mean his anus (don’t laugh, don’t laugh, don’t laugh).

NURSE: (completely unfazed) How long has it been bothering him?

ME: About a week.

NURSE: I see.

Yes, I’m that a-hole. The mom who didn’t believe her son and let his butt itch for a whole week before I called the doctor.

ME: I’m wondering if it might be pinworms because it’s mostly itching at night.

So we chat for a while and she totally agrees that it sounds like pinworms which means we don’t even have to come into the doctor’s office and pay $100 for the appointment if we can find the worms tonight. They can just call the medicine into the pharmacy. And mostly I don’t want my kiddo to have worms in his butt but there’s a little part of me that does because it sounds a helluva lot cheaper than having to go to the doctor’s office to figure out what else it can be so I can’t believe I’m saying this but come on pinworms, come on pinworms.

Now maybe you’re thinking. Yo dumbass, who do you think you are, Dr. Baby Sideburns? You seriously think YOU can diagnose what your kiddo has? Yes I can. The nurse gave me explicit directions how to figure out if my kiddo has pinworms.

Step 1

Put your kid to bed for a few hours.

Step 2

Grab a flashlight (to see) and a barf bucket (for your reaction) and head into your kiddo’s dark bedroom.

Step 3

Go spelunking in your kid’s tush.

Step 4

If you see little white worms squiggling and squirming down there like they’re having a little disco party in his anus, then congratulations!! You’ve got PINWORMS!!!!

I mean hells yeah, sign me up. I always dreamed of becoming a proctologist. Not.

Needless to say my hubby and I are dyyyying as we quietly tiptoe into his room that night trying not to wake him or scare the pinworms away. We look. And look. And look. Which feels wrong. And wrong. And wronnnnng. But hey, you know what does feel right? NOT finding pinworms. That’s right, we’ve got ourselves a clean tushy! Well, at least a worm-free tushy.

Shit, now what?

So the next morning I fork over $100 (bye bye cute shoes from DSW) and take him for a doctor’s appointment where they tell me they’d like to take a strep test for his itchy problem. I’m like uhhh, he has a sore tush not a sore throat, but apparently here’s one more thing I didn’t know kiddos could get. They can get strep in their bums (who the hell knew??!!!). So the doctor tells his anus to say ahhh, takes a quick swab, and badabing badaboom, about five minutes later we find out why his tushy has been itching. Streptococcus of the tuchas. Yup, my favorite little buddy has strep tushy. The good news is that if someone has strep in our house, we always eat ice cream. It’s a rule.

Anyways, even though we’re on the road to recovery, I’m pretty sure I’m never gonna fully recover from this one. Because for the rest of my life, the second my tush itches a little, I’m gonna be freaking out and handing my hubby the flashlight. Time to go spelunking, honey!!

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And speaking of a-holes, guess what makes the perfect holiday present!! My New York Times best selling book, I Heart My Little A-Holes!!