The time I totally F’ed up as a mom, well, one of many
Awwww shit. I F’ed up. Like I went against all my own rules and did something totally stupid and now I’m pissed at myself.
So Zoey plays soccer. Correction, Zoey puts on a uniform, stands on the field and runs around once in a while but rarely kicks the ball and is usually making funny faces at one of her friends and then the ball flies past her as I’m yelling, “Zoey, ZOEEYYY, turn around! Get the ball!!!” from the sidelines. It’s super frustrating to watch because A. I played soccer. And B. I want to be a soccer mom. Like I REEEEEALLY want to be a soccer mom.
I mean I LOVE watching soccer and cheering with the other parents and hanging out with them and freezing our tushes off together and bringing snacks and my hubby is the coach so I’m kind of like the wife from Friday Night Lights but not as tall or blonde or pretty and it’s not a kickass high school football team in Texas. It’s a bunch of six-year-olds playing soccer. And I LOVE it. But I’m pretty sure my kid doesn’t.
I mean she doesn’t hate it. But you can tell it’s not her thing. I don’t know WTF her thing is yet. I mean some of her friends already know. Like some of the first grade girls kick ass at soccer and some of them are awesome at theater and some of them are amazing dancers and gymnasts, and well, I’ve tried a lot of activities with Zoey and she is totally 100% so-so at all of them. But I keep telling myself that’s okay, she’s only in the first grade and she doesn’t have to figure it out yet, but it seems like the kids are supposed to be figuring it out by now.
Like if you take soccer, you have to play it twice a week. And if you’re on the swim team, you practice like two or THREE times a week. And if you’re a dancer, you have to try out for the dance company this year and take like three classes. So you kind of have to start deciding what extracurricular activity you’re gonna major in because it’s time to commit and if you don’t commit soon everyone else is going to get really good at it and then it’s gonna be too late. I mean WTF? They’re SIX!!!
But I’m hoping that if I encourage her to stay in a few activities that she will eventually grow into them. She doesn’t have to be the best, but I’d like her to find at least one thing she likes and excels at.
Anyways, the other day I was sitting with her and we were talking about soccer and she mentioned that some of the kids get to win a reward if they score a goal, and I was like okay, if that’ll encourage you and make you happy, that sounds doable.
ME: Whatta you want as a prize?
HER: I want to decorate my locker fancy.
Easy peasy. Deal.
And guess who totally did an awesome job in the game this week and scored like a ton of goals!! Someone else’s kid. Zoey made more of an effort than usual but it’s not like she could magically turn into Mia Hamm because I promised her a stupid locker chandelier and a white erase board. So guess who burst into tears at the end of the game. Little Miss so-so soccer player.
HER: Wahhhhh!!!
ME: Zoey, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?! You guys won!
HER: But I didn’t score a goal. I’m never going to get a fancy locker!!
And she was 200% right. She’s not going to score a goal. Well, probably not. And guess who feels like a total a-hole. Me. I mean reward systems might be right for some families, but that’s not my style. I’m the kind of mom who thinks the goal should be the reward. That the awesome rush of adrenalin and pride IS what you win if you do it. I don’t reward for good grades, I don’t reward for cleaning up your room, and I don’t reward for making a goal in soccer.
I mean sure, if you do a really awesome job we might get to go out for ice cream to celebrate or if you do a really shitty job we might go out for ice cream to cheer you up, but it probably has nothing to do with the soccer game. Probably it’s just because Mommy wants some ice cream.
So shit, I totally F’ed up and did something that made it worse because that’s what some of the other parents were doing. And it backfired. Usually Zoey comes off the field doing crappy cartwheels with her other friend who’s not very good either, but not today. Today she came off sobbing because I was an idiot.
So first lemme tell you what I did NOT do to fix this problem. I did NOT tell her I toally F’ed up and that I’d go ahead buy her the fancy shit for her locker. I mean yeah that would have made everyone happy, but two F ups don’t make a right. So instead I did this.
ME: Zoey, you played great out there!!
ZOEY: Wahhhhh, but I didn’t score a goal!! I’ll never get my reward!
ME: Sweetie, I messed up. I shouldn’t have promised you that. How about this? If you keep trying really hard like that all season, we’ll decorate your locker.
ZOEY: Okay.
And even though she didn’t stop crying instantly, she started to cheer up. And then we went out for ice cream. You know, to celebrate the fact that she made such a huge effort and not at all because I was totally craving some chocolate and caramel deliciousness in a cup with sprinkles.
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The only thing I’ll throw in there is that your kid definitely does NOT need to specialize yet. There is a lot of real research that shows that specializing early leads to burnout and injuries. It’s better for her to stay diverse, especially in physical activities, for as long as possible. If she really ends up being talented in a sport, she’ll catch up, and if she doesn’t end up excelling in anything, then she’ll have a few things that she can continue to enjoy as she gets older.
Thanks for this little story! I feel like I live my life back peddalling (did I spell that right??) because of the dumb ways I handle interactions with my 4 year old. I’m often left wondering a) how do I fix this now without make more of an a$% out of myself and b) what kind of irreversible, lifelong damage have I done to my child. You make me feel so much better knowing I’m not the only one to find herself sticking her foot in her mouth periodically.
I love reading your blog. You make my life feel better. 🙂
If that’s your F-up, I’m not sure what you call my parenting style. Dysfunctional? Inadequate? Bench worthy? You did just fine babe. Kids are a b***h to figure out and we only just do the best we can. Chocolate caramel goodness deserved.
Dont worry about her finding her love yet. She has all the time in the world. She seems very creative. Maybe some art class, pot making or something like that. Just a thought.
Hey, you’re doing an awesome job parenting! I know you’ve already promised Zoey that you’ll do her locker up all fancy if she tries her best all season and I believe that setting children achievable goals teaches them delayed gratification and builds self worth and blah blah but if it’s okay with you, can I get her a locker chandelier? Just something small and sparkly to tide her over till you bust out the glitter rugs and talking mirrors and whatnot? I’ve filled in my email address in the comment details section so email me if it’s okay!
My son is the same way with team sports. He’d rather play with the other kids than worry about what’s going on (and he is also 6). He just isn’t that into it. However, he DOES do well with individual sports – he is in an incredible karate class in a dojo run by a local family and he is excelling there. The kind we picked is called kajukenbo, and one of his two classes each week is devoted to age-appropriate self defense (which makes me happy) and the other is devoted to learning kicks, punches, and karate forms (which makes him happy). I was worried he would bring home his knowledge and use it on his 3 yr old brother, but one of the things they teach is that the kicks, punches, etc. are only to be done in the dojo or for self-defense. Zoey sounds like she’d love Karate…especially the special outfit and pretty colored belts 🙂
Um. Tami Taylor has red hair. Sheesh.
Nice job, mom. My kids aren’t this age yet (2 and 3) but I know I will want them to love what I loved (soccer and swimming – now that’s a LOT of practice!). I will be bummed and disoriented if they don’t want to do physical activities. It occurred to me while reading your post – does she like art? If she’s into the decorating, perhaps that angle? Or decorating cupcakes? Painting? Fashion? We never did much art when I was a kid and I always forget to do this with my boys (SO messy!) in lieu of trucks, dirt, bubbles, and physical stuff. Just a thought! Keep up the great mommying!
My seven yr old still doesn’t have “a thing” he excels at while his older brother is completely a sports star. Figured out last week with a trip to the craft store that he really really loves art so we try that direction lol
My nephew will be six next month, he’s playing flag football…. Oh wow! He is so unfocused for the majority of it that it’s funny. My hubby has to keep telling me, he’s only five, he’ll be fine lol.
I never had a thing growing up, was never excelling at anything outside of my school work, nor did I have the desire to do so. … and guess what, I’m a totally normal functioning adult with a job I love and hobbies I enjoy. I never a regret for not sticking with cheer leading, gymnastics, volleyball, soccer, or any other activity I tried out as a young child.
Confession here- my child is an athlete and loves softball and basketball best. I have bribed her with $$ to win a game against a team with coaches or parents who I find obnoxious. Is that so wrong? it’s never over $10. Ha ha ha!
Okay….I am super late reading this post…it got lost in the black hole I call an inbox, but that is neither here or there….what I want to say is YOU TOTALLY ROCK THE CASBAH as a parent! Do you know why I like you? You are not contributing to the nation of whiny kids we, as Americans, are currently raising! You reward and punish when necessary and appropriately, and you allow free expression – which is necessary in creating functioning human adults. And most importantly, you buy treats and act like its for the grubby little humans, when it’s really all about you….which is the way it should be!
Keep on ROCKING on!
My son is 13 and still doesn’t know what he wants to do. He’s done football, guitar, cello, upright bass, theater now and again, piano, voice…he may not be a star in anything, but he is definitely a well rounded kid, with a good head on his shoulders. Our deal is he has to stick with any commitment he starts, be it a sporting season, no dropping of school classes during a school year, a specific time frame for the voice/piano, and the duration of any play he chooses to do. Once the ‘season’ is over, he’s free to stop doing it, or commit for another term. The biggest thing I care about teaching him with this is that once he makes a commitment, he should see it through with his best effort.
So I swear this is me sharing the terrible experience of soccer, and my daughter is a Zoey too! Let me share the prize story too, so our Z is the same way, off in la la land on the field and thinks the best part of soccer is talking! So being competitive on the sidelines like you, I pushed the “prize” idea for making a goal/play the season well that she could get that stupidly overpriced soccer photo blanket that was a option for the team photo session. Ridiculous I say…anywhoo she doesn’t score and did ok for the first half of the season but instead takes the BIGGEST hit to the face via ball as the first time she triesthe goalie position. All within 15 mins before photos this happens. After many tears, puppy dog eyes to dad and now her worst fear happening of being hit…..needless to say she ended up with the most expensive fleece photo blanket ever AND she ended up quitting fall soccer. Now I am mocked by that blanket every time I go in her room.