Hells yeah, a new study shows TV is actually GOOD for your kids

So I know some of those Muffy McPerfects are all braggy braggy that they never let their rugrats watch TV, but not me. No way no how. Because TV F’ing rocks and I let my kiddos watch TV all the time. Wanna know why? Here you go. I have conducted my own scientific study and figured out a bunch of ways that TV is actually GOOD for your kids:

1. Guess how long it takes the average kid to poop on the potty. Sixteen minutes. Guess how long it takes the average TV-watching kid. Two. Yup. Because that’s how long commercials last. And if you’re not back fast enough because there’s a logjam, the show must go on without you.

2. Once upon a time all the kids at recess were huddled around the water fountain talking about how awesome it was that Doc McStuffins saved Mr. Picklebottoms’ life yesterday but one kid had no F’ing clue what they were talking about so the other kids had nothing to talk about with him anymore and he was picked last in P.E. for the rest of eternity. The End.

3. LITTLE TIMMY: I’m only three and I can count to one-hundred.

MY TV WATCHING RUGRAT: Welllll, aren’t you just the little Poindexter? Listen up brainiac, I can count to 1600. Wanna know why? Because while you’re off flipping through your little stack of 100 lame-o flashcards, I’m flipping through 1600 channels of pure awesomeness.

4. The next time you’re debating whether you should read your rugrat a book or plop him in front of the TV for some good vedge-out time, ask yourself this. Which one is going to be healthier? The book that teaches him that curious monkeys who do bad shit often get the key to the city OR the TV that tells him there’s a tornado coming and get the F to the basement before he gets blown to BFE?

5. Have you ever heard that kids who watch TV tend to read less? Ennnnh bullshit. Because when my little boobtubian wants to watch something, she has to read the list of DVR’ed shows. There’s only one way to tell the difference between Scooby Dooby Doo and The Walking Dead. Reading. And if she F’s up, she gets F’ed up when she sees a zombie drink from someone’s blood-gushing aorta like he’s sucking down a Slurpee.

6. Scientific studies show that siblings who watch TV together often agree on which show to watch and actually sit on the couch together and cuddle and shit and stop trying to murder each other with fake weapons for at least thirty minutes a day.

7. MOM WHEN SHE GETS A HALF HOUR BREAK BECAUSE OF TV: I love you guys sooooo much and when this show is over let’s back some cookies or do an art project together or something.

MOM WHEN SHE’S BEEN TAKING CARE OF HER KIDDOS ALL DAY WITHOUT A SINGLE BREAK: Aggghhhh, WTF is wrong with you?!!!! Can’t you leave me the F alone for just five minutes so I can just go to the bathroom without someone staring at me and asking why I’m putting a little white mouse in my hooha?!!!

See, moms who let their kids watch TV do a better job and love their children more.

So there you go. Yeah, sure, I could come up with a bunch more reasons TV is healthy and doesn’t rot your brain out but I’ve got other shit to do before the kids get home from school. Like watch the Real Housewives of New York, Orange County, Beverly Hills and Atlanta.

If you liked this and agree that television is AWESOME, don’t forget to push the like and share buttons. Thank you!!!