Why glitter sucks ass and is the definitely herpes of the arts and crafts world
Awwww shit, I F’ed up. Again. So a couple of weeks ago, Zoey wrote a note to Tinkerbell’s friend Periwinkle and she left it on her nightstand for the ice fairy to pick up. Okay, this part isn’t my fault because she failed to mention this to me, and since her room looks like an F5 tornado hit it, there’s no F’ing way I’m going to notice a tiny blue envelope with the words Pare Wekl on it, and even if I did, I probably wouldn’t touch it because I don’t know WTF that is. Anyways, last week she woke up one morning all sad and teary-eyed.
ZOEY: Mom, why do you think Periwinkle doesn’t pick up my note?
Uhhhhh, note? What note? So she finally told me all about it and I told her that Periwinkle is a very busy fairy and that I’m sure she’ll come soon. And then guess what I did that night? I forgot about it. And guess what I did the next night? Forgot again. For about seven more nights. I shit you not. Doh! In my defense, I was very distracted by this totally psycho girl on the Bachelor.
And then a few mornings ago, Holden came running into our room at the ass crack of dawn and noticed that the windows were all icy and frosted, and when they look like that we always say Periwinkle did it because she’s an ice fairy.
HOLDEN: ZOEYYYYY!!!! ZOEEEEEEEYYYYYY!!!! Periwinkle came last night. She came!!!
Annnnnd cue the crying. Because if Periwinkle came to our house why didn’t she pick up the note? Let’s just say there was a tantrum of epic proportions and there is no way in hell that I would forget the note again that night. I know what you’re thinking. That I forgot the note again. Ennnhhh, wrong! I did not forget again. I snuck into her room that night and opened it up.
Translation:
To: Perwinkle
From: Zoey Alpert
What is it like in Fairy Land? Tell Tinkerbell I said hi (no F’ing idea what that last word is: Bubble? Boobie? Doodie? I’ll give $10 to the first person who can figure it out)
Whoopsies, that’s like a really long note from Zoey, and she even taped a feather on it. Ruh-roh, I feel like such a bad mommy!!! Oh, and this is the second time this has happened. See this picture? Who knows how long this was under her pillow before I found it? Let’s just say it wasn’t 2015 anymore.
When she starts losing teeth, I’m in serious trouble. Anyways, it was time to bring out the big guns. Here’s the note Periwinkle left her back. Yes, I let her borrow my computer to type it. You should see a tiny fairy trying to use the keyboard. High-F’ing-larious.
And just to make it even more believable, I went against every ounce of my moral fiber and I brought out the herpes of the arts and crafts world. (Insert Jaws music here) Yup, I sprinkled glitter all over the note and her bed. And you can only imagine what happened the next morning.
ZOEY: MOMMMMMMMM!!! Perwinkle came!!! She came!!!! And she left me a note!!!! And there’s pixie dust!!!! Read the note, read it!!
ME: Zoey? What’s on your face?
ZOEY: Read it!!!
ME: Wait a second, what is that?
Are you F’ing kidding me? Guess who must be allergic to pixie dust? Awesome. Yup, apparently my kiddo. And guess what happens when you’re allergic to something and you sleep on it all night and roll around on it? Yup, your face gets giant red hives and you look like you has elephantitis of the face. Shiiiiiiiiittttt! Oh, and then when you take her to a play date at your friend’s house, everyone tries to be all concerned and polite but you can tell that they really want their kids to stay the F away from yours in case it’s contagious. And you’re like “I SWEARRRRR, it’s just the stupid glitter!!!” Because just when you thought glitter couldn’t suck any worse, you learn yes it can.
After a does of Benedryl and a load of laundry and me trying to get the fitted sheet back on her bed which would make an awesome I Love Lucy episode, our house was back to normal. Well, our kind of normal.
And the moral of this story is don’t try to be a Pinteresty mom if you are not because it will backfire and your kid will look like her face has been ravaged by rabid killer bees and she will lose all her friends.
If you liked this, please don’t forget to like and share it so I can be your best friend!! Thank you!
Oh, and in case you haven’t heard, I’ve got a new book coming out. Yayyyyyyy!!! It’s about F’ing time. Here are a few of the chapter titles:
What NOT to F’ing do when you’re taking care of your grandkids
Introducing the newest Olympic event . . . Synchronized Pooping!!!
When I stopped liking sex (Grandma, please don’t read this chapter)
And here’s where you can order it!! I Want My Epidural Back
Just a tip, what I do when they lose teeth is immediately grab my cell phone and set an alarm to go off at like 9 or 10 that night. Otherwise, I forget too. 🙂
Maybe it was goodbye or bye bye (bub bai)?
Buh-bye! You can just email the money. ;-). My kids are 35, 33, and 29. And awesome! Even through the teens..not perfect, but not the wrecks
I was told they’d be. Am loving the antics of your ‘a-holes’.
I would say the last word in her note is “Buh-Bye”
The last word is definitely buh bye!
This reminds me of how our elf Kringle would be SOOOOOOO tired from flying back and forth to the North Pole every night. We even b!tched at him for not cleaning up his dishes for like 3 days when he ate some of Santa’s cookies. Welcome to our house, KRINGLE. Everyone, including you, gets nagged around here.
Buh Bye!
Pretty sure it says buh-bye. *insert ten dollars here*
Yep….this is now my favourite post ever
Looks like buh-bye to me!
When I forget something like that and their room is a disaster I tell them the fairy must have been too afraid to go in their room. Then I’m off the hook until they figure out how to organized.
The last word is “bye-bye” or “baa-bye” I love it!
Last word is bu bi, as in bye bye
I was scrolling down to see picture of Zoey with giant red hives but nothing!
Do you say buh bye?
Because that’s what the last word looks like.
Buh bye. (bu bi) Coming from a teacher who had to figure out a lot of words.
Say Hi to Bobble a character in the Tinkerbell movies! I love you blog! You F’ING rock!
If you are looking for a non glitter way to jazz up the tooth fairy $ here’s a tip. Spray the dollar with the glitter spray thee use on hair. Let it dry for an hour and your ready to go. No mess yet special enough for tooth fairy standards. I would also suggest doing like $5 worth (and stash them) then you are ready to go for whenever they fall out or like my daughter when 3 fall out in a 7 day span.
It’s Buddy. I read six-year-old well.
Sad to not see a picture of Zoe and her hives 🙁 We use behavior and room cleaning as reason tooth fairy is late, or she’s REALLY busy with so many children losing their teeth if the kid has been good, but we forget. Glad to know I am not the only one that loses track of things!
The last word is “bu bi” (bye bye) 😉
Megan Griffin Haas is A GENIUS!!!!
I agree, it says ‘buh bye’. Mother of a seven year old ??
Last word is so “buh-bye” (bu bi) 🙂
And please tell me you are talking about psycho-girl Lace :)-
The word is “Bobble”, he’s one of TinkerBell’s friends. Klink and Bobble are tinkering fairies.
By the way I’m a total Disney fan and my daughters love all the Fairy movies
Yeah, me too. I was waiting to see the glitter tragedy in her face.
Face paint also sucks. My kid HAD to get her face painted at a festival last year (because when face paint is near, I will ask Mommy eleventy-thousand times in a row if I can get my face painted RIGHTNOWPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE until she caves because she can’t take one more second of the begging/torture) —- so anyway, apparently the child is severely allergic to the crayon-shaped paints because she had hives for four days. They were pretty fancy hives, though, since they were in the exact swirly design that the paint had been in on her face, so there’s that.
All mythological visitors to our house leave notes typed on the computer because my daughter has mad detective skills- she should be on Criminal Minds- and she notices things like Santa’s handwriting being a lot like mommy’s handwriting. That time Santa had arthritis and needed help writing a note. We also have to leave notes for the tooth fairy, Easter Bunny, Santa and his elves, etc to not come in her room. The idea of them sneaking in there when she’s asleep freaked her out. That was a bonus for me- no chance of accidentally waking her up while trying to leave the surprise!
It say “buh-bye!
I think it says “bye bye” (by bi).
I would guess that the last word is bye bye maybe spelled “bubi”??? Just my guess!
I think the word is bye! When 16&12 were young we did double tooth day, so if a tooth came out on double tooth day they got £2 instead of £1, it alsjvsj
* I hate my phone smh.
It also meant we had notice to make sure we had change for when one of them lost a tooth:-)
The last word says bubi. There’s a little dot above the last letter, so I’m guessing “buhbye”. Love your blog!
I think it’s Hi Buddy. Backward d. I’ve taught 1st grade for 20 years so I’m pretty much an expert. Just sayin.
Buddy?
It’s totally buh-bye!
Glitter is the bane of my existence. It gets snuck into places you don’t prepare yourself for. Who the hell came up with putting glitter on tissue wrapping paper, they should be sent straight to hell. The tissue paper was in every bag at
I think it’s just “bye!” Great stories and blogs… Make me feel like peeing my pants every time!
The last words are “Buh-Bye” but it is spelled like “bubi”
XD lol cute kids!
I think the last word might be “bye-bye” or in kiddie spelling “bubi”. (By bye)….maybe? Just a guess! I’m usually pretty fluent in kid speak, not so much in adult though:)
Aw Mannnnn… i totally figured out BuhBye (bubi) and felt like finally i could call myself a parent (my son is 8 months old, almost 9 months) and scrolled down to leave you a comment and stake my claim of this $10 cash prize i heard about but like 782 people beat me to it. 🙁 Oh well 🙂 I still feel like a winner! PS: You now have upped my fears of things that can hurt my child by 1 and I will be Very cautious of glitter until i’m sure he won’t blow up like a balloon since my child (like many others before him) strives to put Everything in the universe (yes, even his own p**p if he can get his hands on it while i’m changing him…) in his mouth. PSS: I’m So buying your book! Is it on Amazon? 🙂 You rock!
Duh – if i had just clicked on it rather than asking, i would have seen that it takes me right to Amazon. Wish granted! 🙂 Thank u bunches! <3
Since everybody already guessed the last word, I just want to let you know that Periwinkle is Tinkerbell’s sister. They came from the same first baby’s laugh. LOL
The Tooth Fairy is a breeze…. She leaves a note after picking up the first tooth explaining her busy schedule and if multiple teeth are saved for one night the rewards are better. My kid just turned in 5 for a Lego set. It’s wonderful.
This is awesome! Not just your post, but the fact that Zoey is allergic to glitter means you don’t need to have it in your home! How can I get mine to be allergic to that horrid STUFF?!?!?!
It’s BUH-BYE!
It may look like buh bye, but in this case is not. I have 3 girls, ages 7 and 5 yr old twins. They love all things Tink and I’ve watched the movies enough times to shoot myself. It’s “Bobble”, one of Tink’s friends that’s also a tinker fairy.
OMG, I just absolutely LOVE YOU