Help, my hubby has Ebola!!!! Oh no, wait, it’s just a man cold

Dear hubby,

Do you see what I’m doing? Yup, I have a runny nose and at the same exact time I’m getting other shit done. Wanna know why? Because it’s a cold. An itty-bitty tiny cold that makes me feel a little crappy, but what’re you gonna do? No, I’m serious, what are YOU gonna do? Because you’re probably getting this cold next, and the last time a cold moved through our house we caught the same exact germs, but mine manifested as a few sniffles and yours manifested as the Bubonic Plague.

Which leads me to my point, Mr. Pussypants. Here are ten ways I would like you to act the next time you get a cold:

1. Okay, when you wake up in the morning and you feel a little tickle in your throat, don’t whine to me. Either cough a little and clear that shit up or pop a Ricola. Because maybe you’re getting sick, or maybe you just accidentally slept with your mouth open last night and it’s gonna be better in twenty minutes.

2. Stop and think. Is it a Sunday? Because I think it’s ironic that all of your colds seem to happen on Sundays. And by ironic, what I really mean is bullshit. I know your blood cells might be scientifically amazing, but I’m pretty sure they don’t know the days of the F’ing week.

3. If you’re gonna act like you’re on your death bed, the least you can do is be in a bed. It’s a death BED not a death COUCH, and while I’m taking care of 9,000 things all around the house, I really don’t need to walk by your lazy ass every ten minutes and see you lying there enjoying TV.

4. If I tell you to drink lots of fluids, I mean water and OJ. I don’t mean call me every ten minutes asking me to bring you a beer because you’re watching football and you’re too ill to get up.

5. And speaking of not getting up, don’t ask me to bring you the remote. Well, unless the remote suddenly works on real life situations and I can fast forward to a different day when you’re not being such a pussy. And by pussy what I really mean is, stop being such a penissy because people who have pussies don’t act like that.

6. If your eyes are closed and you see a bright light, don’t walk towards it. Just open your eyelids and you’ll see that it’s just me and I’ve turned the lights on because it’s time to get the F up.

7. Stop acting like you’re dying. You don’t have Ebola. You have a cold. And unless you’re bleeding from your butt and your eyeballs, this is probably not your last day on earth. Unless of course, I go insane and kill you. Let’s just hope I get a female judge who’ll probably acquit me.

8. Here’s when I don’t want you to suddenly get sick. The second I ask you to do something. And here’s when I don’t want you to get better. The second the kids go to bed.

9. But hey, I’m not a total bitch. If you’re really really sick, there are a few things you’ll always get from me: medicine, TLC and sympathy. Just remember, there are also a few things you won’t get from me: sexy time and BJs.

10. So in summary, the next time you have a cold, don’t man up. Woman up. And quit being such a penissy.

If you liked this, pleeeease don’t forget to like and share it. Thank you!!!!

And in case you haven’t heard the big news, I have a new book coming out! Wahoooo!! It’s called I Want My Epidural Back. Because a big F’ing needle in my spine is a cakewalk compared to the shit I go through every day.