What NOT to do when I take you grocery shopping with me (with a special offer from Blue Apron!!)

Yo rugrat, I love you. A lot. And I lovvvvvve spending time with you. And sometimes that means hanging out together and playing fun games like Spiderman versus Darth Vader, but sometimes that means dragging you to the grocery store. And I know that kinda sucks but life isn’t all unicorns pooping rainbows. So the next time I make you go food-shopping with me, here are eleven things I need you NOT to do:

1. Please do not suck on the handle of the shopping cart that has literally been touched by 1000 hands today. Otherwise I might as well write Ebola and Tuberculosis on the grocery list because that’s what we’re coming home with.

2. Please do not stick your hands out of the cart as we go down the aisle like you’re Kate Winslet on the bow of the Titanic. I know I’ve been talking about going back to work, but I don’t mean becoming the shelf-stocker at the supermarket.

3. I’m happy to buy you Sugary Boogery O’s or Cavity Crunchies or whatever cereal you want, on ONE condition. When Judy McJudgypants walks by us and gives me the stink eye because she thinks I’m a crappy mom, please do not act like a screaming Tasmanian devil and prove her right.

4. If I accidentally go down the candy aisle and don’t realize my mistake until it’s too late, please do not go boneless and superglue yourself to the floor because I won’t buy you a giant bag of M&Ms. I know you think it only costs $5 but really it costs $500 because of all the dentistry and new XL pants I’m gonna need to buy for myself.

5. Yes, I know the freezer section is cold. Please do not act like I am torturing you when I take you there. Unless of course you think torturing you is buying you ice cream that you can have for dessert tonight.

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Keep reading to see the rest of the funny list, but this is a little intermission brought to you by my awesome sponsor Blue Apron (with an extra special offer for Baby Sideburns readers!) I heart Blue Apron! Mostly because I don’t have to go grocery shopping with my rugrat when I use them.

In case you don’t know, Blue Apron is this totally badass company that sends you ALL of the ingredients you need for an entire awesome meal. Seriously, all they assume you have is salt, pepper and olive oil. Like last week they sent me a box with two different meals and Holden and I cooked the most delicious homemade Sloppy Joes together!! Even the kids LOVED them. Well, they wouldn’t touch the kale salad, but they loved the Sloppy Joes and the giant French fries (muhahahahaha, you guys ate potatoes and had no idea).

Here are some pictures from our amazing Blue Apron dinner so you can see:

Oh wait, before I get back to my funny list, I almost forgot. The first hundred people will get two free meals off their first Blue Apron order. Yippppeeee, free food!!! Here’s the link!

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Okay, now back to my funny list of all the things I want my kiddo to stop doing when I take him grocery shopping with me:

6. If I get you a bagel or a cookie or something else to snack on while we shop and I have brain fart and forget to pay for it, please do not yell, “Mommy, you stole a bagel!!” I did not STEAL a bagel. I accidentally borrowed a bagel. A bagel that allowed me to spend hundreds more dollars because it kept you occupied.

7. Please do not ride under the cart and get your fingers mangled. Please do not ride in the big part of the cart and take up precious cart space. Please do not ride on the side of the cart and tip it over and die in a freak shopping cart accident. And please do not say you want to walk and then change your mind and beg to get in the cart AFTER I’ve loaded up the entire seat with groceries.

8. If you get to push one of those cute miniature shopping carts, please do not ram it into the heels of all the other customers. Yes, I’m prepared to say I’m sorry to a lot of people today, but I am not prepared to pay for all of their Achilles heels to be sewn back together.

9. Please do not touch every single candy bar in the impulse item section. Because when I see a candy bar that’s covered in fingerprints and boogers, my impulse is not to buy it. It is to throw up.

10. If there is a free sample and it’s not something you like, please do not whine and complain about it. Samples are there for one reason– to see whether you might like something different that you didn’t know you liked.

11. Please do not ask me if I can leave you in the car while I go inside to go shopping. A. I don’t want to be on the 5 o’clock news. And B. You’re just teasing me because you know how much I really want to.

If you liked this, please don’t forget to like and share it. Thank you!! And don’t forget to get your free meals off your first order at Blue Apron here.