Why my pillow smells like butt

AGGGHHHHH, so this morning something really gross happened. I mean it’s not like gross shit isn’t always happening in my house, but this was even grosser than usual and kinda funny but not really funny at all.

So like every morning Holden wakes up at the ass-crack of dawn and does what he always does. He comes to MY side of the bed. I mean I don’t understand why he only comes to my side and only wants to climb in on my side and sleep with me and not his dad who’s way nicer to him, but he’s been in this phase where lately he only comes to me in the morning. A phase that has lasted two years now. Grrrrr.

Anyways, he always has to go potty and since Mr. McClingy refuses to go alone, I have to drag my ass out of bed and take him.

HIM: I have to go potty.

ME: Great, go.

HIM: Noooooo, you have to come with.

ME: No buddy, you’re a big boy. You can do it.

HIM: Nooooooo, I need you.

ME: No you don’t.

HIM: Yes I doooooo.

Repeat this conversation over and over again like four times until I finally cave. And seriously, we have this same conversation every F’ing morning.

I get out of bed, plop him up on the potty, carefully make sure his peeper is pointing down because last week I forgot to and the pee was like the Bellagio fountains doing a show all over the bathroom. And then he pees. And then he lets out a giant fart in the middle of it.

HIM: I tooted!

He is beaming with pride, and I’m trying not to laugh.

ME: Say excuse me.

HIM: Excuse me.

ME: Are you done?

He is, so he gets off, I pull up his pants, and he waits for me to pee because it is physically impossible for me to get that close to a toilet and not have to pee, but I don’t flush because the hubby is still sleeping. Asshole. And then we climb back in bed because I can’t convince him to go back to his own bed because it’s after 6 a.m.

ME: Okay, you can come into our bed as long as you sleep and don’t talk at all.

HIM: I will. I promise.

And like an idiot, I believe him.

HIM: ARRRGGGHHH, Mommy play with me!! ROARRRR, I wanna sleep on that side!!!! YA YA YA YA YAAAA!!!!! I’m going to sing this song at the top of my lungs!!! ME ME ME ME MEEEEE, and now I’m gonna sit on your pillow but really I’m sitting on your hair until it feels like you’re getting scalped and you scream for me to get the F offf!!!!!

And as soon as he gets off my pillow, I roll over and ewwwww, what’s that smell? Why does my pillow smell like tushy?

ME: Did you toot on my pillow?

HIM: Yes! Excuse me!!!

Well, that was relaxing and I’m so glad I got an extra seventeen peaceful minutes in bed. Not. By now it’s like 6:30ish, so I get out of bed to go to the bathroom and get ready. And that’s when I discover why my pillow smells like ass. He didn’t toot on it.

Apparently that was not a fart when we went to the bathroom earlier, because there it is. A big ol’ turd sitting in the toilet. So basically he pooped but didn’t tell me and so I didn’t wipe him so now his poo-covered butt is dragging all over my pillow like a dog dragging his ass across the carpet. WTFFFF????!!!!!

ME: Holden, did you POOP earlier?

HIM: Yes!

ME: Dude, you have to tell me when you do that so I can wipe you.

HIM: I pooped!

ME: How about next time you tell me BEFORE you contaminate my pillow and I have to throw it away because now it’s covered in poo particles?

Awesome. My life is so glamorous. Seriously, try not to be jealous.

If you liked this, please don’t forget to like and share it. Thank you!!

And if you thought this was funny, there are a shitload of funny stories in my new book I Want My Epidural Back. Order it now!!! Shit, that sounds pushy. Order it now if you want!!