Aggghhhh, why do I look like crap now?! Oh yeah, that’s why

Remember the good ole days? B.K. Nahhh, I don’t mean Burger King. Shit, now I totally have a hankering for some greasy onion rings. And did I just use the word hankering? Apparently I’ve turned into a seventy-year-old farmer. Anyways, B.K. means Before Kids. And I can’t believe I thought I had it hard back then and complained about anything.

Wahhh, I have to set my alarm clock for 8:00 a.m. (I mean seriously? Today that would be sleeping an extra TWO hours.)

Wahhh, I want to get married so I don’t have to sit alone on the couch anymore. (OMG yes, because watching a six-hour TLC marathon all by yourself is pure torture. NOT.)

Wahhh, I can’t believe they’re making me go on a business trip. (Holy crap, the thought of sitting on an airplane totally bored and alone with nothing to do for three hours only to land somewhere far away and spend the night in a comfy hotel bed and eat at fancy restaurants and raid the mini-bar sounds ahhhhmazing.)

WTF was I thinking? Life was soooo easy back then. And don’t get me wrong, my family totally rocks and I wouldn’t change my life for the world, but some things are like wayyyyy different now. And not in a good way. Like this shit:

IF I HAVE BAGS UNDER MY EYES

What it used to mean:

OMG, we had sooooo much fun last night and drank crazy amounts and danced on the bar and stayed out until the lights came on.

What it means now:

My crotchmuffin woke me up six times last night and twice it was because he vomited and I had to take a shower at 2 a.m. because it splattered on my calves.

IF THE KNEES ON MY PANTS ARE WORN OUT

What it used to mean:

I am totally the bestest girlfriend ever and I like to give my man exactly what he wants.

What it means now:

I spend 90 percent of my time crawling around on the floor wearing out the knees of my pants because I’m acting like a dog or whatever F’ing animal the rugrats demand me to be that day.

IF MY HAIR IS TOTALLY CRAZY

What it used to mean:

This, my friends, is sex hair. Yup, been doin’ it alllll morning long with my boyfriend Mr. Stamina.

What it means now:

Damn it, which one of you douchenuggets put a lollipop in my hair and then rubbed it all around while I was driving?

IF THERE ARE TWO GUYS SLEEPING IN MY BED

What it used to mean:

Ohhh yeahhhh, guess who got extra lucky last night. (This never happened. Sadly.)

What it means now:

Guess who got extra UNlucky last night. Yours F’ing truly. With my hubby and a little guy who likes to sleep horizontally and kick me in the boobs all night long.

IF I AM TOPLESS IN PUBLIC

What it used to mean:

Check out my super cute perky boobs and throw me some Mardi Gras beads!!!

What it means now:

Awww shit, I totally forgot to close my top after breastfeeding and the UPS guy just saw my wrinkly salami nipples. And now he’s blind. Awesome.

IF YOU CAN SMELL ME FROM TEN FEET AWAY

What it used to mean:

I just took a step class with Mr. Super-Hot Cardio Teacher and now I’m headed home to take a 9,000-minute shower because I have nothing else to do.

What it means now:

I haven’t showered in like three days (maybe four) and I just lifted my arm and there’s a Chia pet growing under there.

IF I HAVE WET UNDERPANTS

What it used to mean:

Eeeeks, the really cute quarterback just smiled at me and I think he even winked at me!!!

What it means now:

I sneezed.

If you liked this, please don’t forget to like it and check out my new book I Want My Epidural Back! So funny, it’ll make you pee in your pajama pants!!

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