I HATE my wrinkles and gray hair and all the other shit that’s happening to my body

You know what I’m so sick of? Reading these bullshit interviews from celebrities who are all pollyanna optimistists about getting older and looking crappier. They’re all, “Ooooh, I love my wrinkles and gray hair. They’re badges of honor.” Ennnh, ennnh, ennnh. What’s that the sound of? That, my amigos, is the sound of my bullshit meter going off.

Like yesterday I was reading this People magazine interview with Gwyneth Paltrow and she was all like, I’m so proud of my gray hairs and wrinkles because I earned them and I would never want to go back to my twenties!! I was like, Gywnnie, you’ll look good wearing a paper bag when you’re 80, but seriously, I don’t believe for a second that you’re happy with your gray hair and wrinkles. Yeah, I’m know I’m a total a-hole for saying it out loud and I’ll probably get a bunch of crap for it, but when I look in the mirror nowadays (and I just so happen to be 43 like Gwynnie), there’s a lot of shit on my body that’s never gonna go back to the way it was, and I am NOT happy about it.

Pendulum boobs, elephant elbows, an entire luggage set beneath my eyes, these crazy veins on my cottage cheese thighs, weird bumps on my skin, etc etc etc. I wake up in the morning and I’m like, oh isn’t that awesome, the Grand Canyon decided to relocate to my face last night. And don’t you dare say I’m suffering from low self-esteem. I love who I am, but I’d be lying my ass off if I said I was glad about the shitty changes that are happening to my body.

Anyways, it got me thinking. Why doesn’t People magazine ever ask regular people these interview questions? People like me. So I went ahead and answered the same questions Gwyneth answered just to see what a real person’s answers would like. Here goes:

Your company goop is launching a skin-care line. What’s your favorite product?

Okay, I don’t know WTF goop is so I’m gonna ignore that part, but my favorite product is definitely Vodka. And I know what you’re thinking, that vodka isn’t exactly a skin-care product, but that’s where you’re wrong. Because when I drink enough vodka and I look in the mirror, I look awesome. And the next morning when I look shitty again, I just apply more vodka to my palate.

Do you have a date-night beauty look?

Well, hopefully it’s my “O” face by the end of the night, but before that it’s wearing any pants that aren’t pajama or yoga pants, not putting my hair up in a ponytail, and trimming a little “down under” so my hubby doesn’t have to get a Typhoid shot before he goes crawling around in my jungle. And maybe a little chapstick if we’re going somewhere fancy.

What would we be surprised to find on your vanity?

Umm, probably the log cabin my son built out of tampons this morning.

Do you ever have a bad hair day?

Clearly this is a phone interview and we’re not on Skype.

What was your reaction the first time you saw a gray hair?

Are we talking head hair or vajayjay hair? Head, I was like oh shit, I’ll pick up some dye from Tarjay. Pube, I was like aggghhhhh, noooo, just one more reason to do it with the lights out.

What makes you feel beautiful?

Ahhh, my children of course. When they are sleeping soundly in the next room like the cherubic angels Benadryl can make them. But seriously, I feel beautiful when I’m hanging out with my family and laughing my ass off and not worrying about the laugh lines and squinty eye wrinkles that are getting deeper and deeper every day. Don’t get me wrong, I hate the wrinkles themselves, but I’m a-okay with how some of them got there. Some of them.

Hey, if you thought this was funny and more truthful than half the shit you read every day, check out my new book!!

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