Rules I HOPE my son will follow when he starts dating

Okay little buddy. You know how you’re always saying you want to marry me? Well, if anything ever happens to your Daddy, I’m all about it. But let’s just say things go according to plan and your Daddy and I both grow old together until he has one of those saggy old men butts and my boobs rest on my feet when we walk slowly down the sidewalk together hand-in-hand, like those cute old couples I always admire.

That means you’re gonna need to meet someone besides me. Which means you’re gonna have to date a bunch of women (or guys if that’s what you’re into) to find the right person. And I know you don’t have to listen to me, but I’ve been around the block a few thousand times, so here’s a little advice for when you start dating:

1. Act like a gentleman. Let her order first. Be on time. Say excuse me when you burp. Etc etc etc. In other words, act the complete opposite of how you act at home.

2. Before you do anything, think of your sister. Ewww, not like that. I mean always ask yourself, “Is this how you would want a guy to treat your sister?”

3. Find a girl who will let you be yourself and doesn’t want to change you. Unless she wants to change how you dress, in which case you might want to listen. Sometimes girls just know better.

4. It’s not the size of her boobs that matters. It’s the size of her brain and her heart. Because when you’re in this for the long haul, those are the things that are gonna last.

5. If you ask a girl to the prom and she says no, fuck her. She’s not good enough for you. But if you ask a girl to sleep with you and she says no, DO NOT FUCK HER. No means no.

6. And sometimes yes means no, too. If a girl says yes but she’s totally wasted, that means no. If she’s too drunk to drive a car, then she’s too drunk to drive your joystick.

7. If she’s on birth control, awesome! You don’t want a baby. But here are three other things you don’t want: AIDS, Gonorrhea and Chlamydia. Her birth control might be great, but yours is better. Put one on.

8. Do not kiss and tell. Or feel her up and tell. Or do anything sexual and tell. Because here’s the thing about locker room talk. It never stays in the locker room.

9. If you’re dating someone and you want to mess around with someone else, that’s cool. As long as you break up with the person you’re dating first.

10. If you want to break up with a girl, as Nike says, just do it. Do not avoid it by being an a-hole until she breaks up with you. And please, do it to her face in a kind way. Not in a text message. The goal of breaking up with someone is to break the relationship, not the person.

11. If a girl breaks your heart, it’s going to feel like the world is ending. But there are three things that can help. Ice cream, time and your mom. At least give me the chance to try.

12. Try to learn something from every relationship. That way dating a lot wrong people will help you find the right person.

13. If you find out a girl is crazy, be direct, be kind, be afraid. Crazy girls are like haunted houses in horror movies. Do not go into the basement. Do not go upstairs. Get the F out as fast as you can.

14. In the end, you are totally allowed to leave me for another woman. On one condition. You are absolutely sure she’s the right woman.

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And I have a new book out!!!! It’s called I Want My Epidural Back and it’s getting awesome reviews on Amazon, except that one shartface who thinks I curse too much.