Yo People magazine, wanna see what REAL people eat in a day?

So back in the day before I had kids, I used to read semi-intellectual stuff. The New York Times, JD Salinger books, other things that I can’t remember because my brain is fried. But nowadays, I read fun shit. Like People magazine.

Yup, pretty much every day I get a good case of the FIBS (Fake Irritable Bowel Syndrome) and I make the hubby watch the douchenuggets while I lock myself in the bathroom and fake poop for as long as I can while I dive into an outdated copy of People Magazine. It’s like total brain candy reading about the stars who look younger than me, dress cooler than me, and who have wayyyy more money than me.

And near the end of every issue, this is what I see. A page dedicated to one celebrity’s daily diet. I don’t mean like they’re on a diet. Apparently this is what they eat every day like normally. And I’m like WHAT??!!! Grilled salmon on a bed of chia seeds with dehydrated kale chips that are sprinkled in protein powder, followed by 94 ounces of water to flush out the toxins?

And then at the end of it, some food guru bashes the celebrity for eating a bite of sugar-free dark chocolate after dinner. “You really would be better off replacing that bite of chocolate with a floret of organic broccoli.”

So anyways, I’m sick of it. Yo People, wanna see what reality looks like? Apparently you don’t because you haven’t called me yet, but here you go.

If you liked this, please don’t forget to like and share it. Thank you!!

And check out my book I Want My Epidural Back!! It’s getting awesome reviews on Amazon, except that one shartface who thinks I curse too much. Bwhahahahaha!