If Target would take my suggestions, this is what a Target run would be like

We ran out of toilet paper. Yayyyyy! Time for a Target run!

It was starting to drizzle a little so thank God for Target’s complimentary valet parking. I got that new guy again, the one who looks like Channing Tatum. His chest was extra glisteny in the rain today and super tan. I guess running around topless in the reflective parking lot every day can do that. He winked at me and said he would vacuum out my car while I was inside shopping. I think it’s hilarious that I used to think parking next to the cart corral was rock star parking. Not.

So my son and I headed inside and straight to the daycare. One of the British nannies came over immediately and took Holden inside and handed me a claim check ticket to pick him up later.

NANNY: When do you think you’ll be back?

ME: Not long, I’m just here to get toilet paper.

NANNY: Got it! See you in about two hours-ISH.

And we both laughed. I headed across Target to Barget to quench my thirst. “Karen!!” everyone called out as I walked up to the bar. You wanna go where everybody knows your name. I sat down on my stool (literally, my name was on it) and a masseuse came up behind me to ask if I would like a massage, and then we all chuckled because duhhh. I asked him if he was related to the valet parking guy because they looked so much alike. Guess what? They’re twins! Go figure.

I couldn’t decide whether to have coffee or a real drink so I ordered a little Bailey’s in my coffee and got it in a to-go cup because my friend just texted me from the Target pharmacy to let me know they were handing out free samples. Woohooo! I grabbed a motorized shopping cart, turned on the 80’s station and zoomed across the store. I would have gotten there much faster if I didn’t get sidetracked in the makeup section. I totally forgot it was Free Facial Friday, and the esthetician reminded me to come back for Manicure Monday, ha ha ha, as if I have ever forgotten that.

I purposely went through the skinny mirror section on the way to the pharmacy, which brought me past the men’s napping area (they were so smart to put it in the TV section!) and the super posh breastfeeding lounge. I waved to a few of my friends and kept going.

PA SYSTEM: Karen Alpert, your birthday present pickup is ready. Your birthday present pickup is ready.

Oooh, awesome! I totally forgot we have like six birthday parties this weekend. There is nothing better than giving Target access to your evite account so all of your presents are wrapped and ready to go when you come in.

Of course by the time I reached the pharmacy, my friend was walking toward me and we decided to skip the free pharmaceuticals and head to the wine and chocolate aisle because our Cartwheel apps dinged and told us it was BOGO chardonnay day. As if I needed a reason to buy two! By the time we were done filling our carts, it was 1:00! I couldn’t believe it!

I said goodbye to my friend and hurried to the checkout lanes where every single light was on.

CASHIER: I’ll need to see some i.d.

ME: I’m 44.

CASHIER: I’m sorry, I have to card anyone who looks like they’re under twenty-five.

And he handed me some cash back, even though I didn’t request any. I headed outside and watched Channing Tatum’s lookalike from behind as he loaded my purchases into my clean minivan. Damn is he cute. I know, totally inappropriate, but I’m a suburban mom and this is just one of the many reasons I shop at Target. Awww shit, I totally forgot the toilet paper. And my son. Oh well, I’ll come back later tonight to get them. Open 24 hours baby!!

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It’s almost Mother’s Dayyyy, and guess what makes the PERFECT Mother’s Day presents. My books!!!  I Heart My Little A-Holes and I Want My Epidural Back!! They’re almost as entertaining as Target, but wayyyyy cheaper!!