What NOT to F’ing Give Your Wife this Holiday

Dear hubby,

Okay, so technically you’re not even thinking about my holiday gift for another two weeks when you suddenly jump up off the couch in the middle of a TV show and announce that you have an “emergency” bowling night at 9:30pm and race off to the drugstore to desperately search for something that doesn’t look like it came from the drugstore, but I want to give you a little advice this year. Here are some things NOT to get me this holiday:

1. Do not give me something to clean the house with, ie. a fancy mop or an expensive vacuum. If you do, I want to walk downstairs and find YOU using it. Without your shirt on. Every day.

2. Do not give me cute little homemade coupons that say shit like “Free back massage!” or “One night of babysitting!” If you want to give me a massage, give me a gift certificate for a real one. And if you want to babysit the kids, take back your sperm. Dads cannot babysit their OWN kids.

3. Do not give me sexy undergarments. Yes I wear sexy underwear sometimes. For you!! If you want to buy underwear for ME, get me some big ole comfy granny panties so I can lean over to pick up Legos without showing off my lacy butt floss.

4. Do not give me a gift card to Target. I know I love Target, but when I go there with a gift card I feel an obligation to buy crap like toilet paper and tampons and sponges. Happy holidays to ME!! Not.

5. Do not give me my present in the Amazon box. This includes popping a bow on top of the Amazon box. This also includes putting the Amazon box INTO a gift bag. Step one, open the Amazon box. Step two, put the item in a gift bag. Step three, kick your own ass if you don’t do this.

6. Do not spend a crapload of money on a gift unless you’re 200% sure it’s something I want. I realize you’re using YOUR credit card, but we pay YOUR credit card with OUR money.

7. Do not buy me anything from HomeGoods. Yes I know I LOVE HomeGoods. But 50% of the stuff there is totally whackadoodle, and you are not experienced enough to know whether an artistic vase is badass or butt ugly. Or looks like a colony of vaginas.

8. Do not buy me something from Walgreens. Or CVS. Or pretty much any store that’s open on Christmas to sell last minute gifts to buttwipes who procrastinate. You are not a buttwipe. Not yet at least.

If you liked this, please don’t forget to like and share it!! Thank you! And don’t forget to check out my holiday gift guide!