Dear mom who’s going back to work after maternity leave

Dear mom who’s going back to work after maternity leave,

Congratulations, you’re going back!! You’re an independent woman who’s not letting any pipsqueak baby stop you from being a breadwinner. You must feel amazing! Wait, what? Are you crying?

Awwww, don’t cry. You’re gonna love being back at your job. I mean just think of all the crap you’ve been doing at home. Changing diapers, feeding your little poop machine, cleaning up spit up, saying ga-ga-goo-goo and never having an adult conversation. You don’t have to deal with any of that anymore!! Well, until you get home at the end of the day. And what do they say? Absence makes the heart grow fonder!!

Hmmm, that’s not what you’re thinking? You’re thinking it is literally impossible for you to grow ANY fonder of this amazing human being. You’re thinking how on earth are you going to be able to leave your new sweetie pie for an entire day? How are you going to focus on work and get anything done? And here’s my answer.

You’re not. It’s going to suck.

Sorry, I’m not gonna tell you to put on your rose-colored glasses and find the silver lining blah blah blah, bullshit bullshit bullshit. Going back to work after having a baby is hard. Ridiculously painfully hard. Like not only are you exhaussssted because you’re still feeding your little udder-sucker in the middle of the night and your body’s basically a pinball machine full of ricocheting hormones, but you’re also extremely attached to your baby. It’s crazy. The second they cut the umbilical cord, you actually start getting MORE attached.

But don’t worry, here’s the part where I tell you the good stuff about going back to work. This:

Yup, it’s blank. I mean technically there are few good things, cough cough, paycheck. But I remember the first week of going back to the office and there was nothing good about it. I would be sitting in the pumping room listening to the slurp slurp slurp of my breast pump while my eyes welled up with tears and I basically melted into a puddly mess. Or I would be sitting in a meeting and my coworkers would be chit-chatting about some TV show or a new song and I’d be like AGGGHHHHH, CAN WE START THIS F’ING MEETING ALREADY BECAUSE THIS IS SUCH A WASTE OF MY TIME WHEN I COULD BE  FINISHING EVERYTHING I HAVE TO DO SO I CAN GET HOME TO CUDDLE WITH MY CUTIE PIE FASTER?!!!

But here’s the thing. You’re going to make it. You will survive this. After a week (or ten), you’ll find yourself sitting in that conference room and joining in the conversation and you’ll think, wow, this is kinda nice. Or you’ll head out to lunch with some coworkers and the second the waiter puts the food down in front of you, someone won’t start screaming because they want to suck on your boob. Well, unless you work with some of the a-holes I used to work with.

Don’t get me wrong. There will be times that suck. Like when your daycare or nanny tells you that your baby took their first steps and you weren’t there to see it. Oh my gawwwwwwd, it will tear out your heart. But just know this. Their first steps look exactly the same as their fourth ones, and you’ll see those tonight. And every time you leave your little one in the morning, it might feel like you’re abandoning them, but you’re not. You’re teaching them things like independence and responsibility and that Mommy is doing important things in the world.

Just remember this. Millions of moms have done this, so you can too. But millions of moms have also cried their eyes out, so you can too. It’s going to be okay, AFTER it sucks for a while.

Love,

One of those millions of moms

If you liked this, please don’t forget to like and share it!! Thank you! And don’t forget to subscribe to this page so I can keep making you laugh until you pee in your pants a little. Just send me your dry cleaning bill. I won’t pay it, but it’ll make me feel good to know you laughed that hard.