I WILL steal your baby. Or eat it.

UTERUS: I’m twitching.
ME: N to the mother-F’ing O. NO.
UTERUS: I can’t help it. I mean LOOK at those cheeks.
ME: You know why they’re like that? Because she’s sucking on tatas alllllllll F’ing day long so her mom can’t do good stuff like drink vodka and wine.
UTERUS: Pleeeeease. I promise I won’t ask for anything ever again.
ME: No.
UTERUS: Pretty pleeeeeease. I won’t give you your period for NINE months.
ME: Read my lips. Fuck NOOOOOO.
UTERUS: (whining like a sad puppy)
ME: I have one word for you: hysterectomy.
UTERUS: I’ll shut up now.
ME: That’s what I thought.