Ten reasons I CHOOSE to look like crap

1. I’d rather wear elastic waistband pants. And I don’t mean yoga pants that suck you in in all the right places. I mean pants that let you sag, droop, jiggle, ripple, expand and be comfortable in all the wrong places.

2. I’d rather keep eating chocolate and pizza and my kids’ leftover French fries. Even if it means I look like a hormonal teenager who got a facial in a deep fryer. Priorities, people.

3. I only wear ugly flats and sneakers. Because honestly, if I wanted to hurt my feet, I would just walk around my house barefoot and step on Legos.

4. Could I shower every day and make my hair look all nice and pretty? Sure. Or I could push snooze twice, sleep an extra 18 minutes and not murder someone before 8am. Hmmm, prison or Jewfro? Jewfro it is!!

5. I could totally change my shirt because it has schmutz on it, but A. I’m just gonna get more schmutz on a different shirt, and B. I’d just be making more laundry for myself.

6. I wear old lady clothes. Like full-coverage bathing suits with skirts on them. Yeah, I know they’re totally lame, but not as lame as clearing out the entire pool because people think my bikini line is a wild animal on the loose.

NEWSCASTER: Tonight, a Tasmanian devil escapes from the zoo and attacks a– whoops, never mind, it was just a lady’s pubic hair.

7. I don’t put concealer on the huge bags under my eyes. That way the Starbucks baristas don’t question me when I come in three times a day. Or when I ask whether they’re offering iv drips yet.

8. I only wear granny panties and ugly t-shirt bras. I mean sure I could wear sexy stuff, but then I’d just be leading my husband on.

9. I don’t wear makeup. Makeup is for people who want to look better, not people who don’t give a crap if they look like crap.

10. Who am I trying to impress anyways? The five year-olds with boogers on their fingers? The teenager working the drive-thru window? The moms at pickup who are wearing pajama bottoms? And besides, the crappier I look, the better the people around me feel about themselves. Looking like a hot mess is just my way of being thoughtful. You’re welcome.

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And don’t forget to check out my books I Heart My Little A-Holes and I Want My Epidural Back! They’ll have you laughing so hard you might pee a little. Send me your dry cleaning bill.

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Published: October 26, 2016
There are 9 comments for this article
  1. SaraCVT at 10:29 am

    Actually, this is sorta me. Except I eat very little & am STILL overweight–don’t get how that works. Perhaps the slowest metabolism in history?

    Up until recently, I WAS trying to lose weight & keeping track of my weight. But my husband (of 20 years) told me he LIKED the big wachungas & the soft way-too-much junk in the everywhere.

    He’s told me this before, but women are so conditioned to be models, it didn’t really sink in. But this time was different; I still don’t know why. And honestly, who else am I trying to impress?

    Also, heels make my feet hurt just LOOKING at them. I wear sandals in warm weather, boots in cold. That’s my comfort zone–if you don’t like it, don’t look.

  2. Ron Fresquez at 10:45 am

    You are an intelligent adult so you know what is and what is not appropriate.Keep blogging I like your stuff.

  4. Jackie at 10:51 am

    Love it.can so relate to everything..just so tired somedays i dont care what i wear but on occasion i like to do my hair and my make up and dress up pretty but that happens twice a year since i had children.hahahah still love my life.

  5. Jen at 11:05 am

    I relate to 100% of this! Particularly the shirts with the schmutz on them. Why does my 4yo just love to come over and hug me when her hands are covered in pizza grease??? I mostly stopped wearing makeup when I started working from home (and I barely did my hair even when I worked in the office… hello, that’s why the good lord invented pretty hair clips). My husband could not care less. I care more than he cares. At some point I suppose my level of caring will decline to zero.