What a mammogram REALLY feels like

So yesterday I was chatting with my friend who’s in her early forties and she mentions to me that she’s never had a mammogram, and I’m like WTF?

HER: I know. But I’m scared they’re gonna tell me I have cancer?

ME: That makes sense. You should totally wait until the cancer gets really big and spreads throughout your body.

HER: I know, you’re right.

ME: Make an appointment.

HER: I will.

ME: Now.

HER: I will!!

ME: No, like seriously. Start dialing.

And she called her doctor and made the appointment. FYI, I may have saved her life, so she owes me a drink. Or forty.

But seriously, here’s the thing. I get it. If you haven’t had a mammogram before, it might seem scary. But it isn’t. I swear. But just in case you’re still worried, here’s a short explanation of EXACTLY what it’s like to get a mammogram.

1. They make you take off everything from the waist up and put on a pretty pink gown.

2. You wait a little while. Duhhh, it’s a doctor’s office. But mine always has an awesome stack of magazines and there aren’t any annoying rugrats running around, so basically it’s like a spa day while you wait.

3. They finally call your name and you feel like you’re kind of excited because YOU GOT PICKED!!! Yayyyy!!!!

4. They’ll have you come stand at a machine that looks like this.

Kind of scary looking, but really it’s not a big deal. I promise.

5. A nice woman will put your breast onto that black shelf, and yeah it’s a little awkward because a random stranger is handling your boob (just pretend like you’re in college again having an experimental one night stand!!). Try to remember that this woman handles hundreds of boobs every single week. She doesn’t give a shit what yours look like.

6. She’ll keep asking if you’re okay while she adjusts your boob in the machine to make sure she’s getting it all in there and to make sure there aren’t any folds. Awwwkward, but way less awkward than dying of cancer.

7. She’ll pull that clear plastic shelf down and squish your boob flat. And flatter. And FLATTER. Will it be fun? No. Will it hurt a lot? NOOOO. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s pretty fast and honestly, you’ve dealt with wayyyyyyyy worse. Like it’s easier than getting your blood drawn or going to the dentist.

8. When she’s done with Laverne, she’ll move on to Shirley. Or Everest and Kilimanjaro. Or tube sock and hot dog. Or whatever you call your boobs.

9. She’ll say “you’re all done!!” And you’ll say “that’s it?!!”

10. You’ll get your results in a few days. Or hours. And don’t freak out if you get called back. I’ve gotten called back many times and there are soooo many false alarms. Super common.

That’s it. Seriously, of all shit you deal with, getting a mammogram is one of the easiest. Like even our hubbies could deal with it. Yes, it’s that easy.

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