ME: Get dressed, Zoey. ZOEY: But I don’t have anything to wear. ME: What about this cute blue outfit? ZOEY: No. ME: Why don’t you ever want to wear this? You told me you liked it in the store.

Bwhahahahahahahahaha. Seriously, all of my orifices are leaking I’m laughing so hard. So yesterday I put up a post about the halfass bday party I threw for Zoey last weekend, and I had no idea how many people would share their amazing pictures of their own bday parties. Some of you guys are like total…

Dear Pinterest moms, You guys are awesome. Amazing. Inspiring. The way you pick a theme for your kid’s birthday party and do it to the nines. Wait, no, to the TENS!!! Your cakes that are too pretty to eat, your food tables that make everyone oooh and ahhh, your pretty little sitting areas under trees…

Dear mother I don’t know, I’m writing to talk to you about something that didn’t happen. That’s right. Something that did NOT happen. So this morning I was driving my kids to school and there’s a blind curve on our street and there was a large tree-trimming truck parked on the curve so I had…

I feel like a bad mom. So for the past few days I’ve been waking up at the ass crack of dawn because the stupid birds outside my window keep chirping. Now I know some people love the lovely sound of chirping birds in the morning. People like Cinderella and Mr. Rogers and Pollyanna. But…

Dear Friend, So the other day you were upset about something, and I just sat there listening because I could tell you needed to get stuff off your chest, but we ran out of time before I could respond. So I want to tell you something now. You are SOOOOOOOO NOT alone. You’re like the…

So a couple of years ago, something kind of shitty happened. My hubby didn’t do anything on our anniversary. Not like he forgot it. That would have been more forgivable. Like he actually remembered it and said happy anniversary and that was it. And all day I was waiting for something. A card, a surprise…

HOLDEN: Mom, can I get a bike lock? ME: Another time, buddy. Mommy’s just looking at bikes for herself today. HOLDEN: But I need a bike lock. ME: Holden, I might get you one but it’s not happening right now.

“I’m borrrred. There’s nothing to do. I already colored. I don’t wanna read. Why can’t I watch TV? How about I just hang out in whatever room you’re in and start whistling a super annoying song while stabbing you in the butt with a light saber?” Seriously? Seriously?!! I swear we own 9000 toys and…