Spring Break Barbie
Sometimes the cat throws up on the carpet and I get really pissed off. But sometimes he throws up in the perfect place to teach my kids an important lesson about drinking too much and losing your dignity.
I WILL steal your baby. Or eat it.
UTERUS: I’m twitching. ME: N to the mother-F’ing O. NO. UTERUS: I can’t help it. I mean LOOK at those cheeks. ME: You know why they’re like that? Because she’s sucking on tatas alllllllll F’ing day long so her mom can’t do good stuff like drink vodka and wine. UTERUS: Pleeeeease. I promise I won’t…
It’s amazing I lived through my childhood
Whenever the grandparents tell us we’re being too protective with our rug rats, I’m like hmmm, are they right? And then I get a text message like this and I’m like ummmm, yes, we definitely need to lighten up for sure and leave more weapons on their nightstands.
Try not to be jealous
You know how all those Missy McPerfects brag on Facebook about their perfect kiddos? Well, I apologize but I’m gonna join them for a moment. My kid doesn’t just say I love you, he pees it in a heart shape on the carpet. Try not to be jealous.
Duct tape fixes everything!
I don’t know WTF everyone’s talking about. I didn’t have any problem putting the Girl Scouts badges on her vest.
The crap you may have missed this week
Awwww shit, as much as I like Facebook, sometimes I just want to kick it in the balls. Because these days I keep hearing the same damn thing: “Why isn’t Baby Sideburns showing up in my newsfeed?” Why? Because Facebook changed their algorithms, which means sometimes you’re gonna miss shit. Funny shit you don’t want to miss.…
Is 5 too young to have a boyfriend?
Dear Baby Sideburns, My 5yr old came home today from pre-k and told me she has a boyfriend. WTF… I don’t know what to say. I kinda froze. I don’t know how to handle this. What would you say? Signed, MSH Dear MSH, Awwwww shit, see, this is what happens when you don’t feed…
Why you should teach your kiddo it’s NOT a tail, it’s a you-know-what
Dear Baby Sideburns, I’ve been told by an “expert” that I need to tell my 5 year old boy what his private part is called. I’ve avoided it until now. What on earth do we call his “tail” as he calls it? Ashlye Dear Ashlye, Here are some names you can call it:
Holy crap, some other people suck at making school lunches just like meeee!!!
Hey, have you seen the totally rude post that a-hole mom wrote about Pinteresty moms who pack fancy lunches? This one. She must either be like a total super bitch or suffer from crazy low self-esteem. Nahhhh, just kidding, that was meeee!!!
Awww crap, look who just lied to her kids about where their stoopid balloon went
Do you guys remember this picture from earlier this summer? When Holden’s Spiderman balloon floated away? Maybe you do or maybe you’re like me and have brainesia and don’t remember jack squat anymore. Anyways, as you can see it was pretty traumatic. And HILARIOUS. Uhhh, I mean devastating. But seriously, it was just a stupid…