I WILL steal your baby. Or eat it.

I WILL steal your baby. Or eat it.

UTERUS: I’m twitching. ME: N to the mother-F’ing O. NO. UTERUS: I can’t help it. I mean LOOK at those cheeks. ME: You know why they’re like that? Because she’s sucking on tatas alllllllll F’ing day long so her mom can’t do good stuff like drink vodka and wine. UTERUS: Pleeeeease. I promise I won’t…

It’s amazing I lived through my childhood

It’s amazing I lived through my childhood

Whenever the grandparents tell us we’re being too protective with our rug rats, I’m like hmmm, are they right? And then I get a text message like this and I’m like ummmm, yes, we definitely need to lighten up for sure and leave more weapons on their nightstands.

Try not to be jealous

Try not to be jealous

You know how all those Missy McPerfects brag on Facebook about their perfect kiddos? Well, I apologize but I’m gonna join them for a moment. My kid doesn’t just say I love you, he pees it in a heart shape on the carpet. Try not to be jealous.

Duct tape fixes everything!

Duct tape fixes everything!

I don’t know WTF everyone’s talking about. I didn’t have any problem putting the Girl Scouts badges on her vest.

The crap you may have missed this week

Awwww shit, as much as I like Facebook, sometimes I just want to kick it in the balls. Because these days I keep hearing the same damn thing: “Why isn’t Baby Sideburns showing up in my newsfeed?” Why? Because Facebook changed their algorithms, which means sometimes you’re gonna miss shit. Funny shit you don’t want to miss.…

Is 5 too young to have a boyfriend?

Dear Baby Sideburns, My 5yr old came home today from pre-k and told me she has a boyfriend. WTF… I don’t know what to say. I kinda froze. I don’t know how to handle this. What would you say? Signed, MSH   Dear MSH, Awwwww shit, see, this is what happens when you don’t feed…

Awww crap, look who just lied to her kids about where their stoopid balloon went

  Do you guys remember this picture from earlier this summer? When Holden’s Spiderman balloon floated away? Maybe you do or maybe you’re like me and have brainesia and don’t remember jack squat anymore. Anyways, as you can see it was pretty traumatic. And HILARIOUS. Uhhh, I mean devastating. But seriously, it was just a stupid…

Queen Elsa’s Dating Profile is totally hot

Holy crap, did you guys hear who is ROYALLY pissed off?! Elsa. Yup, that snow queen is mad as hell because Disney decided to keep her single at the end of Frozen. I mean yeah she totally agrees that it’s cool to teach little girls that women don’t NEED a man to be happy, but…