Ohhhh yeahhhh, it’s the first ever Baby Sideburns 2014 gift guide!!! A little half-assed, a lotta badass, and full of bunch of awesome shit that anyone would be psyched to find under the X-Mas tree, next to the Menorah, or beneath the Kwanzaa candles this year. P.S. I’m an Amazon Associate. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. Yup, check this shit out because it’s time to shop and here’s a little sumpin sumpin for everyone on your list!! And speaking of sumpin sumpin, let’s start this list off with a bang:
In case you were too lazy to read that insanely long product name, these are basically pajama jeans for men. That’s right, these are NOT actually made out of denim. Seriously, I just spent five whole minutes zooming in on Amazon to see if I can tell that they’re made out of comfy PJ material. I mean yeah, they’re ridiculously hideous and were modeled after a pair of butt-fugly jeans from the 80’s (check out the lonnnnng exposed button-fly, the acid wash and the strategically placed rips), but we all deserve to be comfy, right? And as much as I think they might be the ugliest pants I’ve ever seen (this comes from someone who wears phenomenal tiger pants, you know), I know my husband will LOVVVVVE them, and the person who buys the best present wins. Yes, it’s a contest.
Want to know what it’s like to have breakfast when you’re a mom? “Mom, can I have more milk? Mom, I want a bagel. Mom, I need a spoon. Mom, can I have eggs instead? Mom, I don’t want the Dora plate. Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mommmmm!!!” Yes, Kelloggs Crispix stays crispy in milk UNLESS you leave it there and don’t touch it for like 24 minutes because you’re too busy getting shit for other people allllll breakfast long. And the Obol is like my favorite breakfast bowl everrrrr because it totally keeps my cereal dry until the bite is literally about to go into my mouth.
Men, this one is simple. You want a blowjob. Your wife wants Girl Scouts cookies. You both get what you want. I mean seriously, you could probably even write on the card “Dear Schmoopy Woopy, I bought you your favorite cookie in hopes that you would pay me back with a blowjob, Love, Mr. Horny Toad” and she probably wouldn’t give a shit. Of course, you might have some chocolate on your peeper after, but hey, it’s a small price to pay. But seriously, they sell Girl Scouts cookies on Amazon. Halle-F’ing-lujah!!!
Oh yeah, and for the man who wants TWELVE blowjobs, click here.
HIIIIILARIOUS!!! And the perfect gift for a Yankee Swap party! But I still have one question. Not to get too graphic, but if you do have sex in these, every time he pulls away isn’t it gonna give you a wedgie? Wedgie, no wedgie, wedgie, no wedgie, wedgie, no wedgie.
Okay, this book is SOOOO F’ing good, it would make a kickass gift for any dad. Here’s the gist of it. This awesome guy Garth Callaghan has cancer. It sucks ass and chances are he has less than five years to live. So he wrote a book for his daughter, telling her alllllllll of the great words of wisdom he would have told her if he had lived a long healthy life. Unfortunately the world is losing an incredible man. Fortunately it gained an amazing book. A book that will make us all better parents.
So when you push an eight-pound bowling ball out of your hooha, you earn the right to brag. And nothing says it better than an awesome necklace with your kiddos’ names on it. SO BUY YOUR WIFE THIS NECKLACE!!!!! I cannot make it any clearer. This necklace kicks ass and I love mine to death and get compliments on it all the time. Plus, you can get up to three hangie things, and it’s two-toned so it works with any other jewelry you’re wearing. And whenever your rugrats are driving you to the brink of insanity, you can touch it to remind yourself that you really do love them. At least that’s what I do. All. The. Time.
I can’t decide who this is a gift for. Him because he’ll be able to use it alllllll the time. Or her because she’ll reap the benefits and won’t die from holding her breath the next time he drops a deuce. Helllls yeah, it’s a gift for everyone in the house!
Is your wife a Baby Sideburns fanatic? Like is she constantly reading you my shit out loud and talking about me like I’m a friend of hers? Slightly creepy, but hey, let’s go with it. Anyways, if your wife likes my shit, here’s something else she might like. The first Baby Sideburns t-shirt!!! And hey, if she doesn’t like it, you can use it to clean the toilets. (Please take note, I did not say SHE can use it to clean the toilets, I said YOU can)
Okay, some people bitch and moan that this is like the most overpriced toy ever, but I’m like WTF are you talking about?!! It’s FREE!!! Duh, that’s what grandparents are for. But in all seriousness can I just enumerate (WTF, did that word seriously just come out of my mouth, and is it even the right word???) why this toy kicks ass.
- Your kid can building awesome buildings with it
- They all click together neatly at the end of the day so they’re super easy to clean up
- They don’t hurt like a mother F’er when you step on them, so they’re actually cheap because you won’t be putting a crapload of money into the swear jar
Does your spouse poop? If your answer is no, then perhaps you should buy them some Metamucil. If your answer is yes, then buy them this book to read on the shitter. Seriously, in case you’ve been busy raising your rugrats and are a little out of touch, a tweet is always less than 140 characters so this is like the perfect toilet book. Plus, for those of us who don’t have time to be twitterers, this book took all the funny parenting tweets from twitter and put it in one place for us.
Holy craptastic, I have found the Mother Ship of leggings!!! I mean I had no idea they made this many leggings in all sorts of amazingly tacky patterns. Tigers, zombies, pussies, cough cough. Seriously, check out allllll the amazing patterns they have! But beware, one of the reviewers says they’re too slippery to wear for aerial ropes. Awww shit, and I was going to wear them to my trapeze class. WTF?
And last but not least, you knew it was coming. If you haven’t read this yet, WTF are you waiting for?!!! Plus, you can buy it for your spouse and then steal it from them and annoy the crap out of them by reading the best parts out loud.
And if you like this post, please LIKE this post because Facebook keeps being a douchewipe and not showing my stuff to a lot of people. Awww shit, I sound all whiney like Caillou. Sorry! And thank you!!!
I am an Amazon Associate