Okay, so I’m totally bummed. There’s this awesome photo contest but I don’t have a good picture for it. AGGGHHH, I have like 9 million pictures of my rugrats but none of them work for this!!! It’s being put on by Sterling, that cool brand by Kohler, do you know it? You’re supposed to enter the MESSIEST DIRTIEST picture of your kiddo and you can win this kickass prize (I’ll tell you about the prize after my borrring story), but my kid is like totally OCD and never gets messy.
Like I was SOOOOOO excited to get that awesome messy picture on her first birthday when she tried cake for the first time (I was clearly suffering from FTMS– First Time Mom Syndrome) but do you know what that little douchebunny did? She wouldn’t eat the cake!! Aggghhhh!!!
Side note, I TOTALLY want to squeeze those cheeks and make her that age again SOOOOOO bad.
So basically I abused her that day by force-smearing frosting on her lips because I thought if she just tasted it she would see how AWESOMMME it is, but that just pissed her off more and basically it made her hate us. See?
Anyways, now that Zoey’s older I’m like screw that, it’s time to get the messy picture I always wanted. Yes, four years later. So I did something stupid. Really stoopid. The other day I went to Costco and I bought a giant chocolate sheet cake and then I told my husband the plan.
ME: First we’ll sing her happy birthday.
HIM: But it’s not her birthday.
ME: Fine, happy half birthday. And then you’ll smash the cake in her face while I take a picture.
HIM: Umm, don’t you think she’ll get upset?
ME: Okay, fine, whatever, I’ll stand next to her and you can smash it in both our faces. It’ll be super funny and we’ll laugh really hard, record a video of it and then we’ll lick ourselves clean.
Let’s just say the way I imagined it is NOT how it went. At. All. FYI, if you’re trying to record a funny video of smashing a cake in your kiddo’s face, it’s a good idea to make sure the cake isn’t hard. Like really hard. Like so hard it didn’t get any chocolate on our faces and I’m lucky it didn’t break both our noses. Whoopsies!!
I have the whole thing on video and I was tempted to show it here but DSS would totally take my children away from me if they saw it. And not just for a few hours so I could go to Tarjay and get some shit done.
Afterwards she was crying and saying her nose hurt while I apologized profusely and even let her smear cake all over my face to get me back.
But luckily we let her eat as much cake as she wanted and in the end she actually said it was all worth it. But damn it, I never got my picture.
Anyways, enough about my boring sob story. I promised I’d tell you about this amazing awesome photo contest. So here’s the dealio. Sterling by Kohler is sponsoring a photo contest with me. YES!!!! The badass company makes the best faucets and sinks and toilets! Tee-hee-hee, I said toilets (yes, I’m in the 2nd grade). And they are giving away totally kickass prizes to THREE lucky winners!!! Alls you have to do is post the dirtiest messiest pictures of your kiddos on the Baby Sideburns Facebook page. Hilarious pictures like these:
Hilarious!!! And these are just from my friends! I CANNOT WAIT to see all of the AWESOME pictures you guys share of your little rugrats!!! I mean you get to see my kids all the time and I never get to see yours so I am super excited.
Ohhhh, wait, what’s that? You want to know what you win if you win. Something really cool. Seriously, I don’t promote products unless I totally believe in them and this is one I can absolutely stand behind because it is super cool and awesome for moms.
What do you do when your kiddos are the dirtiest messiest kids around? You give them a bath. But you know what sucks ass? When you’re bathing them and you lean on the tub or sit on it and that sharp metal shower door lip thingie cuts into your skin. This thing:
But check out this AWESOME invention that some brilliant person came up with, let’s call her Ms. Brilliant Smarty Pants Inventor because you know a WOMAN probably came up with this super smart invention.
Yup, it’s called ComforTrack by Sterling and it’s totally rubbery and flexible and durable! And three awesome people who post the best pictures of their messy kids are going to win brand new shower doors with this totally badass ComforTrack technology! Wahhh, I want shower doors with ComforTrack!! If only my douchenuggets weren’t such wussies and would take a messy picture for me. Grrrrrrr.
AND for each winner I’m going to throw in a SIGNED COPY of my book I Heart My Little A-Holes!!! Why? Because I just had my coffee and I’m feeling nice.
SO ENTER YOUR MESSY KIDS PICTURES ON MY FACEBOOK PAGE NOWWWW!!!!! Muddy, cake-y, markered, whip-creamed, pudding’ed, whatever. Use an old picture or take a new one. The messier, dirtier, funnier the better! Here are the official rules. And let’s all laugh our asses off together and watch three people win this totally kickass prize from Sterling!