Ten things I REALLY want to do alone once in a while

 

Dear Thing 1, Thing 2 and my hubby,

I LOVE you guys. Like I LOVVVVVVVVE you. But even though I love you more than life itself, sometimes I just need a break. Not like a six-night trip to the Caribbean (although that would be amazing). Just a wee little bit of “alone” time. Because it seems like someone CONSTANTLY needs something from me. Wiiiipe me, can I have some water, where is the milk, pick me up, is it sexy-time yet, where are my shoes, can I have it Mommy, can I, can I, can I??? Until I’m like AGGGGGHHHHHH, leave me the F alone!!!!! Puhleeeeease, can I please just have a little space? So here are ten things I REALLY want to do alone once in a while:

1. I want to sit on the toilet ALL BY MYSELF. I don’t want to hear someone body-slamming the door, pummeling each other outside, or yelling MOMMMMMMM at the top of their lungs. There’s only one thing I want to hear for seven straight minutes. My own precious grunts.

2. I want to take a shower without someone staring at me, laughing at my naked butt, questioning why I’m furry down there, or deciding to drop a deuce in the same bathroom. Because if I’m marinating in your airborne poop particles, I am not getting clean.

3. I want to go shopping without you guys. Because when the cashier asks me if I found everything I need today, my answer should not be, “No, because you don’t carry Oxycontin.”

4. I want to use a public restroom without anyone tagging along. Or announcing loudly for the whole restroom to hear, “Why did you just pull a red mouse out of your bagina?”

5. I want to be left alone while I wash the dishes. Don’t ask me for things, throw more stuff in the sink, or invade my personal butt space with the following items: fingers, swords, penises, hockey sticks, or turkey basters. Scrubbing dried cheese off your plate is bad enough without getting raped by a light saber.

6. I want to get dressed all by myself.

KID: Beep beep beep, you are a robot.

A. I am NOT an F’ing robot. B. Stop pressing my nipples. They are NOT buttons.

7. I want to take a trip on an airplane all by myself. The idea of a gross man with dandruff snoring on me for twelve straight hours sounds soooo much more appealing than being stuck in a small metal capsule with my two screaming douchenuggets.

8. I want to eat a meal all by myself. And sitting on the floor of the pantry with the lights out so no one can find me does not count.

9. I want to sleep in a bed all alone. I don’t want to be poked, kicked, fondled, spooned, forked, T-boned, boned, caressed, or pushed until I’m literally clinging to the last three inches of the mattress.

10. I want to have sex. And nope, not with anyone else.

If you liked this, please don’t forget to like and share it. Thank you!!

Speaking of alone time, here are two awesome books to read when you manage to barricade yourself in the bathroom or a closet without anyone knowing.  I Heart My Little A-Holes and I Want My Epidural Back!! Just make sure to stifle your laughter so no one discovers your hiding spot.

ihmlaandmwmebcovers



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8 responses to “Ten things I REALLY want to do alone once in a while

  1. I love you. You get me.

  2. It gets better-I promise!

  3. I don’t know why, but I really wanted it to be Hubby in #6. As in:

    Hubby: Beep beep beep, you are a robot.

    Although now that I think about it, he’s a lot more likely to lose a hand than the munchkins are. So maybe it’s for the best that he never does this.

  4. Lmao my daughters are 17&13 and I STILL can’t use the bathroom in peace, and as for having an actual bath in peace? No such luck…..yet but I live in hope, ;D

  5. My “alone” time begins at 8:30am when my 13 year old son leaves for school. The day is all mine to do whatever I want until he returns home from school at 4:00pm. That time apart makes me appreciate the time that I do spend with my son.

  6. Well, then you shouldn’t have gotten married and/or had children. All of those things come with the territory! Signed, wife to 1, mom to 14

  7. I work full time. For my job I have to commute 1.25 hr there and 1.25 home. It’s my alone time. Pathetic! That car ride is part peace, part a waste of time. But, I have to live with it for now. My point though is: I walk in the door lugging my too big purse, my computer laptop bag, shoe bag and lunch bag, along with coat, etc. I can’t even get in the house before I’m hearing, mommy can I have, mommy can I, mommy can you, mommy, mommy, mommy and naturally a request of a kiss before I’ve put my stuff down, taken off my coat and had a change to pee. D**n I love ’em all. LOL

  8. AMEN!!! SUch a great list! Every night when I do the dishes I just want to do them by myself … and I think about how ridiculous that sounds! You so nailed this list…

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