Now that we have kids, vacations are not vacations anymore. They’re basically just a way to spend nine million dollars to be trapped inside a small metal capsule with two douchenuggets for hours only to arrive in a faraway land where the beds are smaller and sleep sucks donkey butt and I eat so much that my clothes don’t fit and I just need another vacation after my vacation. But for some reason every year I have amnesia and book one. Anyways, this is what I REALLY F’ing want on my next vacation:
1. I want my hubby to do all the packing. I’m happy to help out by writing a shitload of post-it notes that remind him not to forget important stuff like bathing suits and to leave me the F alone.
2. I don’t want to have to bring a bunch of annoying stuff with us like we usually do. Like sound machines and night-lights and car seats and children.
3. I don’t want people to hate me when I board the airplane with two rugrats. I want them to hate me because I brought on a bag of McDonald’s and made the whole plane smell like French fries.
4. When we get to the hotel, I want my kids to have an adjoining room. With someone else’s nanny who has a heart of gold and feels like taking care of them.
5. I want to vacation with complete and total strangers, aka people who will never see me again after they’ve seen me in a bathing suit.
6. I want a good view. Wait, no, F that. I want TWO good views. The sunset over the ocean and the sunset over the ocean because I’ve had so many frozen drinks, I’m seeing double.
7. I want to roll out of bed whenever I want, not when someone shoves me out in the middle of the night because we can only afford one room with two double beds.
8. I want a swim-up bar. Preferably in the deep end so my kids can’t get to it.
9. I want all-inclusive to REALLY be ALL-inclusive. Mini bars, massages, umbrellas, towels, character meals, babysitters, snorkels, strollers, shuttles, inner tubes, jet skis, regular skis, excursions, souvenirs, drinks with fancy umbrellas, and family photos should all cost zero dollars. Because a picture of my family shoved into a stupid cardboard frame should not cost me $27 when I’m standing there holding my iPhone that takes pictures for FREE.
10. I want a piña colada super-glued to my hand the entire trip. Literally. Yes, I’m fully aware this might make it hard to do some things. Like stay sober and coherent.
11. I want my luggage to get lost on the way home so I don’t have to deal with unpacking and laundry. Now THAT would make it a vacation.
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Want a little something to read on your next vacation? Check out my books: I Heart My Little A-Holes and I Want My Epidural Back!! You’ll be laughing so hard, you won’t even notice that your kid is pushing the flight attendant button over and over again.