I know it just seems like a stupid Hallmark holiday. But it’s MY Hallmark holiday. 364 days of the year are devoted to YOU. All I’m asking for is one teeny tiny little day. I don’t need a lot. Just a card or a slice of toast in bed. Heck, I’ll even take a slice of untoasted bread or a dandelion you picked from the yard. Something. Anything. Pretty please don’t forget. Let this be your warning. Here are ten reasons you better acknowledge me on Mother’s Day:
1. Because you ripped me a new one. I don’t care where the baby comes out, there’s not a single orifice on the human body that can fit an 8-pound bowling ball through it. Well, maybe Judd Nelson’s nostrils.
2. Because I gave up wine for you. I mean not permanently. I probably drink more because of you. But for nine lonnnng months, the cork stayed in the bottle.
3. Because of stretch marks, hemorrhoids, nausea, vomit, exhaustion, indigestion, salami nipples, droopy eye bags, droopy funbags, constipation, leaky bladder, sciatica, cankles, sausage fingers, an outy bellybutton, mustache whiskers, nipple whiskers, a FUPA and a bunch of other shit that happened to my body, some of them for nine months and some of them forever.
4. Because you turned me into a cow for ten months. Was it bonding? Sure. When my nipples weren’t cracked and bleeding and stretched out like those monkey nipples you see in National Geographic videos.
5. Because you’ve said “mom mom mom mom mommmm” over 2 million times and I’ve always answered. Almost always.
6. Because I’ve woken up at all hours of the night for you. If you had a nightmare, needed a drink of water, wanted your covers fixed, had a fever, wanted to cuddle, wanted to sleep between us, wanted to sleep on top of us, or realized you were no longer sleeping in the claw machine because all your stuffed animals had fallen out of bed. Mr. Flufferpants might have abandoned you, but guess who didn’t. Your mom.
7. Because I’ve cleaned every orifice of yours since the day you were born. If it weren’t for me constantly wiping you down, you’d look like Jaba the Hut if he was slimed and rolled in Shake N Bake.
8. Because I drive an ugly-ass vehicle for you that is constantly covered in trash and French fries and Cheerios and doesn’t have a single cool station programmed into the radio and has stupid bumper stickers on the back to advertise which activities I schlep you to.
9. Because I am the one person will truly love you no matter what you do. Like even if you turn into a serial killer Scientologist Justin Bieber, I will still love you.
10. Because I’m the mom, that’s why.
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It’s not too late to get the perfect Mother’s Day present!! Order them now. I Heart My Little A-Holes and I Want My Epidural Back!! Give your favorite moms the gift of laughter this holiday. Maybe give them some adult diapers too.