Ten reasons you better acknowledge me on Mother’s Day. Pleeease.

I know it just seems like a stupid Hallmark holiday. But it’s MY Hallmark holiday. 364 days of the year are devoted to YOU. All I’m asking for is one teeny tiny little day. I don’t need a lot. Just a card or a slice of toast in bed. Heck, I’ll even take a slice of untoasted bread or a dandelion you picked from the yard. Something. Anything. Pretty please don’t forget. Let this be your warning. Here are ten reasons you better acknowledge me on Mother’s Day:

1. Because you ripped me a new one. I don’t care where the baby comes out, there’s not a single orifice on the human body that can fit an 8-pound bowling ball through it. Well, maybe Judd Nelson’s nostrils.

2. Because I gave up wine for you. I mean not permanently. I probably drink more because of you. But for nine lonnnng months, the cork stayed in the bottle.

3. Because of stretch marks, hemorrhoids, nausea, vomit, exhaustion, indigestion, salami nipples, droopy eye bags, droopy funbags, constipation, leaky bladder, sciatica, cankles, sausage fingers, an outy bellybutton, mustache whiskers, nipple whiskers, a FUPA and a bunch of other shit that happened to my body, some of them for nine months and some of them forever.

4. Because you turned me into a cow for ten months. Was it bonding? Sure. When my nipples weren’t cracked and bleeding and stretched out like those monkey nipples you see in National Geographic videos.

5. Because you’ve said “mom mom mom mom mommmm” over 2 million times and I’ve always answered. Almost always.

6. Because I’ve woken up at all hours of the night for you. If you had a nightmare, needed a drink of water, wanted your covers fixed, had a fever, wanted to cuddle, wanted to sleep between us, wanted to sleep on top of us, or realized you were no longer sleeping in the claw machine because all your stuffed animals had fallen out of bed. Mr. Flufferpants might have abandoned you, but guess who didn’t. Your mom.

7. Because I’ve cleaned every orifice of yours since the day you were born. If it weren’t for me constantly wiping you down, you’d look like Jaba the Hut if he was slimed and rolled in Shake N Bake.

8. Because I drive an ugly-ass vehicle for you that is constantly covered in trash and French fries and Cheerios and doesn’t have a single cool station programmed into the radio and has stupid bumper stickers on the back to advertise which activities I schlep you to.

9. Because I am the one person will truly love you no matter what you do. Like even if you turn into a serial killer Scientologist Justin Bieber, I will still love you.

10. Because I’m the mom, that’s why.

If you liked this, please don’t forget to like and share it. Thank you!!!

It’s not too late to get the perfect Mother’s Day present!! Order them now.  I Heart My Little A-Holes and I Want My Epidural Back!! Give your favorite moms the gift of laughter this holiday. Maybe give them some adult diapers too. 

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15 responses to “Ten reasons you better acknowledge me on Mother’s Day. Pleeease.

  1. AMEN TO ALL THAT, GIRL!! I hope you have a very happy Mother’s Day full of little kid hugs and zero whining!

  2. You forgot the 44 hours of excruciating labor with no drugs…

  3. You made the choice to become a mother. YOU. Not your child. You made that decision to satisfy your own needs. And now you think you deserve a day to be recognized by that child? Wow!

    • Um wow. It was called entertainment and sarcasm? She was trying to be funny for entertainment value. Of course she loves her children very much and doesn’t only have them to satisfy her own needs. It’s called humour, trying to make the world a bit more joyful through joking and humour. Laughing at our own misfortunes can make us stronger people. I’m not sure if this page is for you if that is how you feel about the authors satirical piece. Just move on.

    • Looks kids! A massive c**t!

    • I agree completely with Yvonne.

  4. Chris @ Dadding Value

    I’m calling my mom now! Thanks for keeping it REAL!

  5. THANKS for this fabulous humor! The books look hysterical too! Ya gotta laugh…. it releases good endorphins…. LAUGH!!!

  6. What a shitty article. If my mom wrote this about me I’d feel terrible.

  7. This is great birth control and reconfirms my desire to NEVER have children.

  8. Sounds like you hate being a mom. Maybe you shouldn’t have had children.

  9. I have a sense of humor. This just isn’t funny.

  10. This isn’t funny at all. If I found out my mother had said these things about me and my siblings I’d be so hurt. How dare you make your children feel guilty for a decision YOU made to bring them into this world. They didn’t get to decide on being conceived and born and now you’re blaming them for what’s happened as a result of your decision.

    Mother’s Day is another bullcrap day on the calendar. Your children love you everyday and if that’s not gift enough then maybe you shouldn’t be a parent.

  11. According to Alex’s logic:
    – Veterans’ Day is another bullcrap day on the calendar. You get a paycheck and lifetime benefits, and if that’s not gift enough, then maybe you shouldn’t have joined the military.
    – Labor Day is another bullcrap day on the calendar. You chose to join the labor force, you earn a salary, and if that’s not gift enough, then maybe you shouldn’t be working.
    – Independence Day is another bullcrap day on the calendar. We are independent from England every day, why bother honoring something that happened 240 years ago.
    I could go on…

    Seriously yall, if somebody wrote a blog about the humorous yet sometimes unpleasant realities of, say, training a puppy, or working as a mechanic, or being a ballet dancer… would you be all up in their grill telling them “How dare you blame that puppy / that car / those pointe shoes! YOU made the decision to be a pet owner / mechanic / dancer, so suck it up, you’re not allowed to joke about it!” I would hope not. If you don’t get the jokes, then you might want to keep that fact to yourself, because it just makes you look ridiculous.

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