24 NEW words to call our little A-Holes

Okay, so lately I’ve noticed this trend. Tell me if you’ve seen it. All these people are starting to call their kiddos “a-holes” ever since I wrote my book I Heart My Little A-Holes.

Nahhh, just kidding, I have no idea if my book was the first to do it. Probably not, I rarely come up with an idea of my own. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery so when I see a great idea, I like to let the person know by copying the shit out of it. Anyways, I’m seeing people all over the place calling their young children a-holes. Huffington Post articles, other parenting books, a third example that I can’t think of right now.

All of the sudden I’m feeling like the word “a-hole” is totally overused and we need a new word for the fact that toddlers are little jerkwads. Like right now this very second my three-year-old is yelling at me because I won’t come into the bathroom to smell his poop. I wish I were making that up. What a little AGGGHHHH, if only there were a word that wasn’t so overused!

So here goes. I’ve come up with a wee little list of other words to call them. Feel free to steal them as much as you want. Drum roll please, badadadadadadadadadada, 24 new words to call our little a-holes instead of the word a-holes:

douchenuggets

whinemeisters

sucktots

a-holios

tootie pies

poop machines

assbeanies

doucheguppies

whineberries

Sucky McSucktarts

dicklings

brownbottoms

Cailloubians

stinkmeisters

shitholios

suckpuppies

douchebaggies

Satan’s little helpers

time sucklettes

snatchberries

crotchfarts

uberturds

boxbusters

And last but not least, crotchmuffins

I can’t decide whether the poopie trolls are going to be happy I’m not using the word “a-hole” as much anymore, or whether these new words are going to offend the shit out of them. I can’t wait to see!!

If you’re not tired of hearing the word “a-holes,” check out my New York Times Bestseller I Heart My Little A-Holes. It’s the perfect gift for the holidays! Unless you’re giving a gift to someone with a stick up their ass. Then you should pick something else. Like a candle. Or a floor-length nightgown. Or a coupon to a proctologist to get the ass-stick removed.

P.S. You can also order a FREE signed bookplate that I personally signed while I was watching some crappy TV show, so you can give someone a SIGNED copy of my book and they’ll be super impressed even though it didn’t cost anything!