Halloween candy recipes that are super EASY and better than anyone else’s

So yesterday I get this email from Huff Post with like a shitload of recipes to make with Halloween candy.

“The best thing about having an overload of booty is that you can use it to make the following recipes.”

I mean I had NO IDEA this was a problem, did you??? Figuring out what to do with all that Halloween candy. Here I’ve been all this time standing behind the pantry door where the kids can’t see me shoveling giant fistfuls of M&Ms into my piehole, while trying not to let the brown drool ooze out from the corners of my mouth when they ask me what I’m eating and I answer, “Broccoli.”

But apparently, you’re not supposed to just eat it straight out of the plastic pumpkin. Apparently, you’re supposed to make something fancier out of it. See?

Totally awesome, right? I mean just in case my thighs aren’t chub-rubbing enough, let’s add twelve cups of sugar and butter and cream to our Halloween candy and make some giant-ass desserts. AND some giant asses. Yo J Lo, after this shit, I’ve got you beat.

So anyways, it got me thinking, maybe I do kinda suck at this whole Mommy thing if I’m just letting my kids eat Halloween candy straight out of the plastic pumpkin. I mean if I want my kids to feel loved, maybe I should be trying a little harder in the whole “Mommy competition.”

So here goes. I came up with four EASY Halloween candy recipes for those of us who are, how do I say this, lemme see, ummm Pinterest-challenged.

I call this first one Twizzghetti and Meatballs. Yeah, it’s a little obvious. So sue me.

I really like this one because A. You don’t have to waste all that time chopping up veggies. And B. You can get your kids to eat all sorts of healthy green food like green M&Ms. Alls you need is some sour cream and a packet of Lipton Onion soup, things you probably already have in your kitchen! Mmmm Mmmm good.

Don’t you just LOVE the combination of sweet AND savory?! Plus, it has calcium so it’s extra healthy. Bonus!!

And last but not least– chewy, gooey, ewwwy straight out of the toaster oven. Tastes great going down. Tastes great coming back up. Your kids will be burping on purpose just to relive these delicious flavors.

Anyways, I’ll be posting these delicacies on Pinterest with lots of humble bragging about my mad kitchen skills! Please don’t forget to “like” this post if you like it. Thanks!!

And if you thought this was funny, check out my New York Times bestseller. It’s not a cookbook, THANKFULLY!!!