What I would REALLY be thankful for when I host Thanksgiving dinner

1. I would be thankful if you DON’T judge me for using disposable plates. Yes, I know I got perfectly good china for our wedding, but I wanted to spend an eternity with my hubby, not an eternity standing at the sink washing dishes.

2. If you notice I’m wearing maternity pants, I would be thankful if you don’t go blabbing to the whole world that I’m preggers. I’m not. The only baby I’m pregnant with is a massive food baby that I’m making sure there’s room for.

3. If you’re bringing wine to dinner, I would be thankful if you brought two bottles. One for dinner and one for me. And if you’re too cheap to bring two bottles, bring two boxes.

4. I would be thankful if someone doesn’t suggest we go around the table and say what we’re thankful for BEFORE we eat. Because you know what I’m thankful for? Hot F’ing food.

5. I would be thankful if no one at dinner tells me how to parent my rugrats. Yeah, I know you’re family, but just because I got your crazy genes doesn’t mean I have to take your crazy advice too.

6. I would be thankful if someone doesn’t thank God for the meal we’re about to eat. Unless God went shopping at Costco with 9 million other people and then slaved over the hot stove for forty-eight hours. Nahh, He’s got better things to do. So thank me first. And then after that, feel free to thank Him.

7. I would be thankful if you don’t pass out on my sofa so I have to awkwardly wake you up at the end of the night. Yes, I know the alcohol and tryptophan are making you sleepy, but this is Thanksgiving dinner, NOT Thanksgiving slumber party.

8. I would be thankful if you all take home some leftovers. Especially dessert. Because cooking for twenty people is a BIG F’ing job. Almost as BIG as my ass is gonna be if you leave all this food here.

9. I would be thankful if after the dinner was over, the women retired to the living room to watch TV while the men cleaned up. Can’t we just take turns doing the dishes from now on? The women have done it for the last twenty years. Now it’s the men’s turn for the next twenty.

10. I would be thankful if someone else offered to host Thanksgiving dinner next year. At a restaurant. In Hawaii.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!! Do you know what I am SOOOOO thankful for? YOU!!! Especially if you buy my book I Heart My Little A-Holes for someone this season. I mean who doesn’t want the gift of laughter?! Well, maybe someone who just had abdominal surgery, but pretty much anyone else would love it!