Ten white lies I tell my kids that really aren’t white at all
1. I say things like, “No, honey, I have no idea where your xylophone is,” when really I know exactly where it is. In the bag of toys I just dropped off at Goodwill.
2. When they’re eating something yummy like ice cream or pizza, I tell them I need to check it and make sure it’s not poisonous before they take a bite. And sometimes I even need to double check it because I might have tasted a little poison and I need to make sure again.
3. My daughter used to suck her thumb until I told her the birthday police weren’t gonna let her turn six if she didn’t stop. She pulled it out right away.
4. When they want to watch Caillou, I tell them Caillou is taking a nap so we can’t watch him right now. “You don’t want to watch him sleeping, do you? That would be sooo boring.” I even have a picture on my computer in case they need proof. 
5. In the winter if they wake up in the morning and it’s still dark outside, I tell them it’s nighttime and I send them back to bed so I can sleep later.
6. I tell them I’m pooping and need privacy, even though really I’m just sitting on the lid of the toilet reading People magazine or surfing Instagram.
7. I say I have a cold when I don’t want them to take a sip of my drink because they’ll totally ruin it with a shitload of backwash.
8. When I accidentally break one of my daughter’s Lego creations, I tell her her brother did it. I mean he does it all the time, so it’s not totally lying.
9. I often “forget” my bathing suit when we go to the pool. “(Sad voice.) Awww, bummer, buddy, I guess I can’t get in.” I totally wanted to expose my jungle bikini line to everyone and swim in a giant vat of urine.
10. And last, but not least, when they’re acting like total douchenuggets and I’ve had enough of their shit, I tell them to knock it off or I’m going to make a phone call.
“Nope, that’s right, you can skip our house this year.”
Hellllls yeah, guess who’s coming out with another book?!! Meeee!!! I saved all of my best material last year and didn’t share it (yup, I’m an a-hole) to put it in my new book I Want My Epidural Back. Order it now because last time it went out of stock and that sucked for a lot of people.
And if you liked this, please don’t forget to like and share it. Thank you!!
Can I please steal that Caillou picture?!? Brilliant!
I bow to you o wise one!! I need to put Santa on my phone immediately!
Hell yes! Now THIS is as great as your old stuff. Heavy on the experience and light on the off color stuff. Perfect blend for hilarious!
Doesn’t sound like lies to me! Those are all genius mom “facts.” And we can’t forget the often used “we’ll see.” We all know that means NO! Can’t wait for your new book.?
Omgoodness I love it!!
I totally worship you. You are a REAL mom, doing things a REAL mom does, and you CLAIM it. You SO ROCK.
I like your way of thinking….I use the Santa Cam card myself (all smoke alarms and security cameras, and Airbag buttons double as Santa Cams (and he shares them with E. Bunny, tooth fairy, and birthday fairy). Once my son broke soemething and did not tell me…I left a note that simply read “I saw what you did, you need to tell your parents about it, love Santa
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OMG!!! We have used the Santa Cam in the smoke alarms for years! Then, the one that’s on the ceiling area right between our dining room/living room died one night – it just started beeping incessantly. My husband had to take it down late at night & replace it the next morning. Our daughter was about 7 at the time. She came out of her room in the morning, looked at him completely heartbroken, and said “Why did you break the Santa Cam? Now he can’t see how good I’m being?”
We looked at each other like WTF?! We had totally forgotten that we even told her that!! Lol. In our defense, we told her when she was like 4! Lucky for us, her brother’s 7 yrs older than her & bailed us out…he told her it broke and their dad was just putting in a new one. Santa would still be able to see her. Later we all had a good laugh about it.
For your first point here is what I say to my kids (as I too take toys to other places), “Oh, honey, you can’t find such and such. I know I just saw it. I’ll keep my eye out for you.” I have 4 kids. It has yet to fail as a soother and a get out of jail free card. Yes, I did see it recently, and I am always more than willing to keep an eye out for it in case it magically reappears in the house. No lie involved.