Welcome to THE club

To the woman who just had her first baby last night,

Okay, so the first thing I want to say is, WELCOME TO THE CLUB!!!!!!!!!!! I mean it’s not like a super exclusive annoying club like the crappy stuff you dealt with in high school or anything, but it is a club. A club of people who know what it’s like to be so enamored with someone, you could literally stare at them for hours and not get bored. Awwww, her lip just twitched. Look how tiny her fingers are. OMG, I literally want to eat her toes. I’ve never wanted to eat someone’s toes before. This is crazy.

The second thing I want to say is whatever you are feeling right now is totally normal. Maybe you’re all hunky dory and euphoric (like I was because I was still on morphine, mmmmmm, sweet sweet morphiiiiine). Or maybe you’re like aggghhh, get all these F’ing people out of my hospital room!!! My vajayjay is torn to shreds and I’m topless and I don’t want to share this baby with anyone. Or maybe you can’t stop crying because you always knew you were going to breastfeed, but the baby’s not cooperating and people keep giving you suggestions like relax and stop tensing up and why don’t you try holding the baby like this or try holding her like a football and you’re like AGGGHHHH my baby is not a football and leave me the F alone because I’m figuring this shit out and stop staring at my nipples. Or maybe you’re constantly weeping and you don’t know whether it’s because you’re overwhelmed with happiness or fear or pain or hormones or more love than you’ve ever felt before.

But no matter what you’re feeling right now, know this. You are now a part of a club. My club. Our club. THE club. And we just want to help you. If that’s by giving you advice because you want it, awesome. If that’s by leaving you alone because that’s what you need right now, cool. If that’s by taking the baby away because you could use a few hours of uninterrupted sleep, perfect. If that’s by giving you some alone time to cuddle your new little poop machine without anyone else staring at you, you’ve got it. You’re a new mom and you get to decide what you need. And if someone doesn’t know what that is, just tell them.

Welcome to motherhood. Enjoy every minute of it. Or hang in there. Whichever phrase applies right now.

Love,

Another mom who is congratulatory, jealous, not jealous, excited for you and here to help

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And don’t forget to check out my new book that tells it like it really is. I Want My Epidural Back.