Your hubby is doing the grocery shopping. This could be bad. (With a special offer from Blue Apron!)

 

ME: Agghhh, I have SOOO much to do today, I think my head might explode.

HUBBY: Want me to do the grocery shopping?

I know I should jump on this amazing offer immediately, but A. I’m waiting for the probe to fall out of his tush because clearly he was abducted by aliens and this is not my real husband, and B. Letting my husband do the grocery shopping is not exactly as blissful as you might envision it to be.

But alas, if I do not take my hubby up on his generous offer, the pantry and refrigerator will remain empty and my children will starve to death and I’ll feel like an even crappier mom than I already am.

ME: (fake smile) That would be so helpful!

But no worries, because I’ve written a few guidelines to help our grocery-challenged hubbies when they do the food shopping:

Step one:

Make your husband a foolproof grocery list.

Seriously, you CANNOT make your list detailed enough. Write which aisle things are on. Which brand you want. And exactly how many you want of each item. Because last time I wrote “apples” on the grocery list and my hubby came home with TWO apples. Well, isn’t that awesome? That should get us through the day and we won’t have to go grocery shopping again until tonight. Oh, and one more thing, if you have enough time, write your list in the order he will pick things up around the store or he will literally zig-zag all over the store going back and forth from one section to another and it will be a four-hour shopping trip.

Step two:

Do not expect him to know critical things like the difference romaine and iceberg and arugula. To him they are all lettuce. If you want him to get a specific lettuce, print out a picture of it from the Internet. I mean I guess he can just ask a sales associate for help, but bwhahahahahahahahaha. Wait, I’m not done laughing yet. Bwhahahahahahahahaha.

Step three:

Be available for phone calls and text messages while he’s shopping.

I know it is tempting to be unavailable so he won’t ask you a thousand questions while you’re in yoga class or at the nail salon or pooping without interruption for the first time in years, but remember, you want him to get the correct stuff, right????

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Keep reading to see the rest of this funny post but this brief intermission is brought to you by Blue Apron! (Don’t miss this because Blue Apron ROCKS and has a special offer for Baby Sideburns readers!)

So the other day I sent my hubby to the grocery store and guess what he forgot, the MAIN ingredient for our dinner (AGGGHHHH!!!), but luckily our Blue Apron order had just arrived on our doorstep, so I let him redeem himself by cooking one of the meals.

In case you don’t know, Blue Apron is this totally awesome service that sends you ALL of the ingredients you need to cook two amazing chef-designed meals every week, like literally every little thing you need for the recipe (except for olive oil), so there’s no need to send your grocery-challenged hubby to the store. You can skip or cancel the service anytime, and the best part is, the first fifty people who sign up will get TWO FREE MEALS off their Blue Apron order. Yayyyy, free food! Just click here to get this awesome offer!!

Anyways, my hubby did a great job and he only made two HUGE mistakes when he cooked our Blue Apron order.

1. He told me he enjoyed cooking it.

2. And the meal tasted awwwwesome.

So guess who will be cooking dinner from now on?! Mr. I-Enjoyed-Cooking-and-Now-Think-I’m-the-Best-Chef-in-the-House. And guess who will be vedging out on the sofa while he cooks? Meeeee!!!! Muhahahahaha, mission accomplished.

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Anyways, back to our regularly schedule programming.

Step four:

Try to be patient and answer your husband’s questions seriously when he texts you from the supermarket.

This is the RIGHT way to answer him:

And try NOT to answer him with your actual thoughts:

Step five:

Last but not least, try not to be annoyed and pissed and naggy when he comes home with the wrong items and lots of things that weren’t on the list at all. Because in the end you’ll just feel bad for complaining when he was trying to help (I am MAJOR calling the kettle black here, by the way). And anyways, is having thirty-six rolls of ONE-ply toilet paper really the end of the world? I guess it depends on the situation.

In case it isn’t obvious, this was sponsored by my awesome friends at Blue Apron!! Just so you know, I ONLY do sponsored posts for great products I really believe in.

If you liked this, please don’t forget to like and share it!! And don’t forget to sign up for this AWESOME Blue Apron offer!!!