Dear Amy Schumer, here’s another reason you F’ing rock


Dear Amy Schumer,

So last week we went on vacation. Nothing fancy. Just a place that’s driving distance so I can over-pack twice as much crap as we need into my disgusting minivan, and avoid the TSA lines because TSA lines with kids is basically like traveling to hell to get an enema with tobasco sauce.

Anyways, here’s the thing. We were on this beach and all of these svelte moms were walking around in their teeny bikinis and looking all hot-to-trot and at first I was totally embarrassed and kept my cover-up on. Then all of the sudden as I’m standing there dreading taking off my cover-up (FYI, this happened BEFORE I had a piña colada so it was not the alcohol speaking), I had this random epiphany.


In case you don’t know, that stands for What Would Amy Schumer Do? Every week I open up People Magazine and there you are prancing around in your bathing suit and do you know what goes through my head? Holy crap, you look awesome. You’ve always got a glowing smile on your face with self-confidence up the wazoo. And every time I see those pictures, I think, “I want to be like that.”

I want to be able to wear a bathing suit and not give a shit whether people are judging me or looking at me or taking pictures of me or comparing me to how other people look. I don’t want to focus on my body. I want to focus on the shit that really matters. Like having fun.

So you know what I did after I thought WWASD? I took off my cover-up and I walked around in just my bathing suit all day long. I threw the football around in the shallow water. I didn’t cover up to walk to the bar or the bathroom. I didn’t wear shorts to go paddle-boarding. I even handed my phone to my friend when I jumped off a boat into the water and said, “Here, take a picture of me flying through the air with all of my skin hanging out.” Not in so many words, of course. 

And I never stopped smiling to think, “How do I look?”

All because of you.

So thank you for teaching me what to give a crap about and what NOT to give a crap about. This is my body and if there’s a smile on it, it’s all good.

CRAPLOADS of love,

A random woman who thinks you’re awesome

P.S. If you liked this, please don’t forget to like and share it!!

And don’t forget to check out my new book I Want My Epidural Back!! It’s getting awesome reviews on Amazon, except that one shartface who thinks I curse too much. Sorry, shartface.


There are 9 comments for this article
  1. Paola at 1:06 pm

    Yes!!! You should go to Italy. Every one there is in two pieces with less than perfect bodies. So I wore a two piece for the first time in 10 years and the world did not end. And guess what no one cared. So kudos to us for discovering what Italians have known for decades!!!

  2. Ronay Fregm at 2:27 pm

    I had this experience yesterday. I was thinking, “well I can sit here and watch my kids because I am not confident and I “care” what other people think… OR I can go make memories with my kids, and not care at all. and that’s exactly what I did! and we had a blast!

  3. Debra Morgan at 5:32 pm

    One of the best things I ever read was “Cellulite is my body’s way of saying I’M S**Y in Braille!” WORKS FOR ME!

  4. Yvonne Judge at 6:33 pm

    I still have a hard time with this. I wish I could just say screw it and have fun.

  5. Lisa Montague at 8:59 am

    This post is Ev-Reee-Thang! #WWASD is my new go-to hashtag. Way to go Mrs. Alpert! PS – FU Shartface, Karen ROCKS!