Kids who do chores are less likely to grow up to be a-holes

So here’s the thing. Cinderella turned out to be awesome and her stepsisters grew up to be a-holes. Wanna know why? Chores. Yup, after Cinderella’s mom died and Muffy McGolddigger put the moves on her daddy, poor little Cindy was forced to do everything around the house. The dishes, the floors, the windows, etc etc etc.

And I know her stepmom was a total bitchmonkey and wasn’t trying to mold her into good human being on purpose, but that is exactly what happened. Because kids who have to do chores and help around the house develop a little sumpin’ called a work ethic. I mean just the other day I read this article and the freshman dean of Stanford was going on and on about how the one thing we can do to help our children is give them chores. I was like YES.

But honestly, my kids are 5 and 7 and WTF can they really do? A. They’re still little and make more of a mess than clean up, and B. If I do it myself, I can just do it wayyyy faster and wayyy better. So up until recently, I haven’t made them do much. Until a couple of weeks ago.

It all started when Holden and I went to heaven, uhhhh, I mean Target, and he saw this shark box and he HAD to have it.

And I was like sure, you can have it, IF you earn it. It’s what I always say. It’s my feeble attempt to spend less at Target (we only spent $1283182398149745 that day).

And usually the kids get home and they forget about whatever piece of crap they wanted, but this time something different happened. Target only had one shark box left and Holden was dyyying for it (aka prepared to throw a massive tantrum if I left it there), so I went ahead and bought it and told him he couldn’t have it until he earned it. And every day he asked to see it, and every day I would show it to him but he wasn’t allowed to touch it, so he kept REALLY wanting it. There was something about the prize sitting right where he could see it that really motivated him.

So I got all Pinteresty and broke out my glitter pens and cray-pahs (spelling??) and made him a fancy-delancy chore chart. Bwhahahaha, just kidding. See? It took me at least fourteen seconds to make.

And I taped that bad boy up in the kitchen. Of course the second Zoey saw it she was like “Wahhhhh, it’s not fair that Holden has a chore chart and I didn’t get one!!” Suckahhhh. So I made her one too.

THEM: Can I do a chore? Can I do a chore? Can I do a chore?!!!!

I shit you not, they were literally begging me to do chores.

ME: Hmmm, lemme try to think of something you can do.

HOLDEN: Can I dust?

I have three words for you, kiddo. F that shit. Because dusting is a great chore… WHEN YOU ARE THREE. Now that you are five, skipping around with a dirty feather thingie rubbing it all over the countertops while I shout, “DON’T PUT THAT DISGUSTING THING ON THE COUNTERTOPS” is not a chore.

So for the past couple of weeks I’ve been figuring out some REAL chores that young kids can do. They’re still getting the hang of it.

ME: Put on your shoes!!

THEM : Does that count as a chore?

ME: Brush your teeth.

THEM: Is that a chore?

THEM: Is making my bed a chore?

THEM: Is going potty a chore?

THEM: Is getting dressed by myself a chore?

ME: Grrr, no, those are just things you have to do.

But I’ll be damned, I’ve actually figured a bunch of chores they can do without a ton of help from me. And it has been LIFE-CHANGING. So here goes. Eight chores your kids can do while you sit back, relax, and act like royalty:

1. Putting away their own clean clothes

Want to see a miracle? This is not airbrushed. I can actually see the bottom.

And not just because some little a-hole dumped it out somewhere. It takes them like a million hours to put all the stuff away, but who cares because A. I don’t have to do it, and B. They’re out of my hair for a million hours. Bazzzaam!! Sticker.

2. Emptying the dishwasher

I took this picture from my seat at the kitchen table. In case you’re wondering that whole sentence is not a typo.

3. Making breakfast for themselves

I have no F’ing idea what they eat, but they are fed and I have time to shower (total lie. I just sleep longer).

4. Setting the dinner table

The forks are next to the knives, the napkins are unfolded like placemats, and I’m eating with a ladle. Ask me if I give a shit.

5. Doing their own laundry 

Notice, I said THEIRS. Not MINE. Hell if I want all of my clothes shrunken to Barbie doll size and dyed pink. But if his clothes turn out pink, oh well, he’s just making a statement against gender stereotyping. Win win.

6. Clearing the table after dinner

Holy crap, they’re standing and I’m sitting. Did I just eat ‘shrooms for dinner because I think I must be hallucinating?

7. Cleaning out the toy bin

You can do it yourself until the kids bust you and you get ripped a new one for trying to give away their very favorite toy in the whole wide world even though they haven’t played with it in six years. Or you can tell them to go pick out ten toys to donate. And they have to be substantial toys, ie. shit like Barbie shoes do not count.

8. Cleaning the floor of the minivan

I didn’t even know it had a floor!!!!

All this while I sit back and do nothing. Well, not really. I have to supply the sticker charts and the prizes, but it is totally worth it. My son will go to college knowing how to do the laundry. My daughter will carry the dishes to the sink when she goes to a friend’s house. And neither of them will be called lazy like so many young adults I hear about these days. Or maybe it’ll just wear them out so much that they hate chores and become the laziest sloths on earth. But even if that happens, at least I can spend a few years sitting back watching someone else empty the laundry basket. Hells yeah.

If you liked this, please don’t forget to like and share it! Thank you!!

And don’t forget to check out my books I Heart My Little A-Holes and  I Want My Epidural Back! My mom isn’t the only one who thinks they’re hilarious. My dad does too.