Ten things I REALLY want to do alone once in a while

Dear Thing 1, Thing 2 and my hubby,

I LOVE you guys. Like I LOVVVVVVVVE you. But even though I love you more than life itself, sometimes I just need a break. Not like a six-night trip to the Caribbean (although that would be amazing). Just a wee little bit of “alone” time. Because it seems like someone CONSTANTLY needs something from me. Wiiiipe me, can I have some water, where is the milk, pick me up, is it sexy-time yet, where are my shoes, can I have it Mommy, can I, can I, can I??? Until I’m like AGGGGGHHHHHH, leave me the F alone!!!!! Puhleeeeease, can I please just have a little space? So here are ten things I REALLY want to do alone once in a while:

1. I want to sit on the toilet ALL BY MYSELF. I don’t want to hear someone body-slamming the door, pummeling each other outside, or yelling MOMMMMMMM at the top of their lungs. There’s only one thing I want to hear for seven straight minutes. My own precious grunts.

2. I want to take a shower without someone staring at me, laughing at my naked butt, questioning why I’m furry down there, or deciding to drop a deuce in the same bathroom. Because if I’m marinating in your airborne poop particles, I am not getting clean.

3. I want to go shopping without you guys. Because when the cashier asks me if I found everything I need today, my answer should not be, “No, because you don’t carry Oxycontin.”

4. I want to use a public restroom without anyone tagging along. Or announcing loudly for the whole restroom to hear, “Why did you just pull a red mouse out of your bagina?”

5. I want to be left alone while I wash the dishes. Don’t ask me for things, throw more stuff in the sink, or invade my personal butt space with the following items: fingers, swords, penises, hockey sticks, or turkey basters. Scrubbing dried cheese off your plate is bad enough without getting raped by a light saber.

6. I want to get dressed all by myself.

KID: Beep beep beep, you are a robot.

A. I am NOT an F’ing robot. B. Stop pressing my nipples. They are NOT buttons.

7. I want to take a trip on an airplane all by myself. The idea of a gross man with dandruff snoring on me for twelve straight hours sounds soooo much more appealing than being stuck in a small metal capsule with my two screaming douchenuggets.

8. I want to eat a meal all by myself. And sitting on the floor of the pantry with the lights out so no one can find me does not count.

9. I want to sleep in a bed all alone. I don’t want to be poked, kicked, fondled, spooned, forked, T-boned, boned, caressed, or pushed until I’m literally clinging to the last three inches of the mattress.

10. I want to have sex. And nope, not with anyone else.

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Speaking of alone time, here are two awesome books to read when you manage to barricade yourself in the bathroom or a closet without anyone knowing.  I Heart My Little A-Holes and I Want My Epidural Back!! Just make sure to stifle your laughter so no one discovers your hiding spot.