The OTHER reasons you might want to breastfeed


Dear woman who’s deciding whether or not to breastfeed,

So here’s the thing. I don’t give a rat’s butt what you choose. It’s none of my business whether you decide to feed your little poop machine via silicone nipples or skin nipples. You’re gonna bond with your baby no matter what and they’re gonna be a-okay if you give them formula. But before you decide, there are actually a few other reasons to breastfeed you might not have thought of, reasons I liked doing it.

Let’s start with the most obvious one. It’s FREE. I mean call me a cheapskate, but I’m the woman who likes to brag when she gets something for half price at TJ Maxx. Check out my breastmilk. It was 100% off and I got it from God. Plus, I feel like starting your babies out on free beverages is a great way to teach them to appreciate the important things in life, like complimentary drinks and free samples at Costco.

And speaking of Costco, let’s talk about big packages. No, I did not say big boxes. That’s a whole ’nother section of the body we can discuss at a different time. But hot damn, did I have some awesome porno boobs while I was breastfeeding. Alas, I miss those giant melons, almost as much as my hubby does. And it was so convenient to always have milk in our house for coffee. Ewwww, just kidding. Seriously, I NEVER did that.

But I’ll tell you what I did do. I did calculate how many minutes I spent breastfeeding and anytime I ask my hubby to do something, I casually mention that number. Hey honey, remember that time I spent over 26,000 minutes breastfeeding our babies? That was fun. Do you mind cleaning the garage shelves today? (I shit you not, I did the math and that number is real and you get to use it for the rest of your life)

And here’s another something I did. Whenever some annoying relatives came over, breastfeeding was the perfect out. “Ohhh, I can’t believe you’re arriving right now. Bad timing. The baby is hungry so I have to go into a nice private room all by myself and take a really long time to feed her.” Never mind that I’d whip those milk puppies out in the middle of a Chili’s happy hour during a playoff game. But they didn’t have to know that.

And speaking of Chili’s, 99% of me hated breastfeeding my babies in a restaurant. Mostly because I always tried to eat at the same time and I’d end up dripping salsa on the baby’s head. But I’ll tell you what was kinda fun. When someone gave me a dirty look because I was breastfeeding in public, at which point I LOVED pointing my finger at them and laughing, “Ewwww, you’re eating in front of people just like my baby is. Yeah, jerkwad, it’s just a baby eating. Nothing gross to see here.” Hmmm, unless maybe they just looked grossed out because I was inhaling an Awesome Blossom in under ten seconds. But I was breastfeeding, so I was supposed to eat a shitload of extra calories. Just one more perk if you decide to become a human cow like I did.

So yeah, even though one of the most natural things in the world didn’t come naturally to me and it kind of sucked balls the first few weeks (at least), I’m glad I did it. It’s not for everyone and you totally don’t have to, but those are just a few reasons you might want to.


A mom who’s not gonna judge

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There are 9 comments for this article
  1. Christin at 10:04 am

    As always, I’m falling off my chair laughing. You’re so awesome-wish you had been around 31 years ago, when my little one was…………well, LITTLE, and some humor regarding being a parent was much needed 🙂

  2. Melissa at 10:06 am

    I can SO relate. Nursing my first two was AWFUL! They both self weaned at 9 months, are now 13 and 10, and I STILL have tons of pain on one side. My youngest is 3, so that could be part of it, but nursing her was do much different.

  3. palmbeachpr at 10:21 am

    Whatever the endorphin is that kicks in while breastfeeding was like I had taken two Valium. It was the first time in my life I was FORCED chemically and physically to actually stop and just “be.” And while my breasts never got bigger than a solid A, they are apparently perfect for nursing, so no pain/discomfort/etc.

    Thanks to my thyroid I only produced 1 oz. per nursing for both babies (born 12 months a part, so that’s a lot of trying), so it didn’t last but 4 months (with formula supplementing) with the first, and 7 months with the second (also supplemented). If I could have injected milk into my boobs to have nursed exclusively I would’ve done it. I enjoyed it so much and envied women who had the milk to do it so often and for so long. Seriously, like 2 Valium (never got the big boobs like my family and doctors had promised which peeved me then but now they look like they did when I was 20 so a decent trade-off). Anyway, the forced “mindfulness” and free high are definitely more pro’s to add to the list.

  4. Melissa at 10:39 am

    I breastfed two little ones. And seriously, all of this is TOO spot on. Lol thanks for saying things no one else’s has the courage to say.

    Avid reader,

  5. PirateJenny at 11:20 am

    Amen to all that! There is nothing better for an introvert to have an excuse to duck out of a crowd at any time. “Ooh, baby’s getting fussy, I better go feed her, all by myself in another room!” And yes, the baby literally sucks the fat out of you and onto herself. I lost all my pregnancy weight while eating tons of food and doing zero exercise (unless you count hauling a baby around, that burns calories, right?). Of course I gained some weight back after I stopped breastfeeding, but hey, the good times can’t last forever!

  6. Tara at 1:06 pm

    Hilarious! Loved it. Starting month 9 of breastfeeding and found most of these to be true. I will add my favorite feature: nothing calms a fussy baby like a b**b in the mouth!

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