How to deal with your family when they’re being ungrateful dingleberries (with a special offer from Blue Apron!!)

La la la la laaaaa, I’m making a lovely dinner for my family and just having a good ole time sipping on my wine while I cook, but I’m getting close to finishing, so I call to Holden in from the other room…

ME: Hey buddy, can you please come set the table?!!

But his TV show is playing so loud that he must not hear me. So a few minutes later, I call to him again.

ME: Holden!!! Come in and set the table please!!

Nothing.

Ummm, WTF. I can tell he’s totally ignoring me.

ME: HOLDEN LUKE ALPERT, GET IN HERE AND SET THE TABLE NOW!!!

This time I get a response.

HOLDEN: Mommmm, stop yelling so loud! I can’t hear my show!!

Oh no he di’n’t. Oh yes he did.

ME: You have two choices, mister!! You can either pause that show right now and get in here and set the table, or you are not getting any dinner tonight.

Guess which one he chooses? And let’s just say, there’s no such thing as an empty threat in this house. Fine, I gave him two choices and he can deal with the repercussions.

So I call to Zoey who’s upstairs.

ME: (yelling) Zoey, dinner’s almost ready! Please wash your hands and come pour drinks for everyone!!

ZOEY: (yelling back) I can’t, I’m going to the bathroom!!

ME: Okay, when you’re done!

But then I hear something. Wait a sec, she’s totally lying. I can literally hear her dancing in her room, and unless my hubby installed a new porta-potty that sticks to your butt and travels with you, I’m pretty sure she is NOT going to the bathroom.

Okay, now I’m pissed. So I call to my hubby to help motivate the kids (translation: kick some serious butt) but again, no reply. AGGGGHHHH, WTF?!!!! So I leave the kitchen to go stick my head in his office to ask him for help, but he’s not there. Hmm, I thought he said he was working while I was making dinner.

Now I’m about to lose it. So I start searching around the house and that’s when I find him. Oh, you have got to be kidding me…

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Sorry to interrupt but this is a short break brought to you by my AWESOME sponsor Blue Apron (mama’s gotta put food on the table and a roof over our heads)!!!!!

You guys probably know by now that I am a huge Blue Apron fan. I mean first of all, they send everything in a refrigerated box to my front porch so I don’t have to grocery shop and it’s always full of awesome farm-fresh ingredients like cool veggies and spices and delicious cheese. Mmmmmm, cheeeese. And every week I get to pick from like eight kickass recipes!! It totally teaches me to cook out of my comfort zone, aka not the same ole boring stuff I’ve been making for years.

This week I made Summer Vegetable Gnocchi and Sweet and Spicy Chicken Lettuce Cups (one of Chrissy Teigen’s recipes!!) and they were both delicious. I even gave the kids some of the chicken before I mixed in the veggies and Holden gave it a big thumbs up! Zoey gave it a thumbs sideways, but that’s actually awesome because that’s her highest rating for anything besides a PB&J.

Oh, and I have an amazing offer!!! The first fifty people to sign up here will get $50 off their fist two weeks of Blue Apron!! Wha-WHAT?!!! How awesome is that?!!

Okay, now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

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So I’m looking around for my hubby and getting more and more annoyed, when I suddenly notice that the back door is unlocked. So I look outside. Are you F’ing kidding me? Guess who’s sitting out there in an Adirondack chair. And I can literally see his phone through the window, and he’s scrolling through Instagram and chilling out while I’m slaving away in the kitchen getting dinner ready for everyone. I mean not really slaving away, but F if I’m gonna make dinner, set the table, pour the drinks, round up the douchenuggets and do allllllll the work myself while everyone else in this family is off having a party.

I’m about to bang on the glass (and slobber on it like Cujo) when my phone buzzes. It’s a text from my friend down the street apparently having the same kind of night I’m having. She says…

And suddenly I have a brilliant idea.

And here’s what I do. I quickly jot a note.

I grab the meal I just cooked, and I get in the car and go. I don’t say goodbye to anyone. I just walk out the door and slam it. They’re probably too busy watching TV, fake-pooping, and surfing the Internet to even notice. Whatevs, they’ll notice as soon as their stomachs start growling.

And I drive straight to my friend’s house.

And guess what? She doesn’t say she’s busy watching TV or pooping or anything else. Less than three seconds later, she bolts out her front door.

FRIEND: Yummmmmm. What are you holding?!!!

ME: Gnocchi. Want some?

FRIEND: Yessssss.

And we plop down on her front step and have the most awesome meal ever. And she totally appreciates my cooking and I totally appreciate her company. And her wine.

And by the time we’re done eating, I’ve vented enough and laughed enough to go home to my family a little less angry. Of course, if they ask me for dinner the second I walk in the door (which I’m sure they will), I’m texting my friend to meet me somewhere for ice cream.

If you liked this, please don’t forget to like and share it. Thank you! And don’t forget the first fifty people who click here will get $50 off their first two weeks of Blue Apron!!