A cheat sheet for my hubby this Valentine’s Day

We don’t do Valentine’s Day gifts. Nope nope nope, never have never will. When we first started dating it was right before Valentine’s Day, so we agreed to do pizza on the couch and NO GIFTS because WTF do you get someone for V-Day when you’ve just started dating. Anyways, fast forward to last week when this conversation happened.

HUBBY: No gifts for Valentine’s Day, right?

ME: Right. (pause pause pause) Well, we could do cheap gifts.

AGGHHH, WTF was I thinking?!!!!! We are a “NO GIFT” V-Day couple, but for some reason I had this fleeting romantic thought and opened my stupid pie-hole. He reluctantly agreed so we decided we could each spend less than $15 on something. Oy vey!! WTF do I get him?

And then yesterday I’m standing in the middle of the laundry room randomly staring off into space because I forgot why I came into that room in the first place, when suddenly an idea popped into my head. YES!!! I know exactly what to get him. And I will reveal it eventually but not until after V-Day on the off chance he ever reads this blog. Let me just say it is gooooooood.

But here’s what sucks. I know he hasn’t figured out what to get me yet (I know because last night I bragged that I already got his gift and he looked like he pooped himself when I said it). Yup, I’m pretty sure that on February 13^th he will be combing the aisles at CVS desperate to find something that doesn’t look like it came from CVS. And he’ll come home with bath bombs (we don’t have a tub) or a crapload of gum (I get TMJ just thinking about it) or an adorable stuffed bear (we already live in a claw machine).

And then I’ll have to say thank you even though I’m annoyed and act passive-aggressive all day until he lies down to go to bed that night and falls asleep instantly but I can’t sleep because I’m annoyed so I have to wake him up and pick a fight and still not be able to fall asleep after he half-assedly apologizes because I’m still wound up. This is the scenario I’m trying to avoid. 

So dear hubby, as much as I’ll love anything you get me (cough cough bullshit), here’s a little cheat sheet. Here are ten things you can get me for $15 or wayyyyyy less that are guaranteed to make my heart go pitter-patter:

1. Promise you’ll buy the kids toys (for less than $15) if they don’t say “Mom” all morning. If you can achieve this, I will personally call the Pope to let him know you performed a miracle.
2. Finish the garage you started two years ago.Yes, I realize this might cost a little more than $15, but do you want to know how many F’s I give if you spend more? Zero. Wait, no, I’ll give you one F (if you know what I mean, wink wink).
3. Pick me up McDonalds lunch that day. Bonus points if you know which kind I want (I’ll be waiting for your text message to ask me which kind I want).
4. Sneak out of our bedroom early and quietly take the kids out to breakfast and drop them off at school without waking me up. Will I be devastated that I don’t get to dye their cereal milk pink for Valentine’s Day?
   a. Yes
   b. A little
   c. Not even a little bit
5. Promise you won’t fart in Holden’s room at bedtime anymore so I can go in there to kiss him goodnight without one of these.
6. Get me something from Trader Joe’s. Seriously, you can pick up pretty much any item in TJ’s and I’ll like it, especially in the Secco section.
7. Make the floor of my minivan visible. If you can achieve this, the heavens will open up, angels will sing and I will make my “O” face. Bonus points if you can eliminate whatever is making that smell.
8. Buy me rolls of tape and scissors. I swear somewhere on earth there is a special Bermuda Triangle filled with tape and scissors that somehow go missing in our house.
9. Hand me a People magazine, a glass of wine, and thirty minutes to myself.
10. Make dinner without a delivery guy, top off my gas tank, put some flowers on my nightstand, turn up the thermostat, clean the schmutz off my computer screen, erase gazillion of kids’ shows off our DVR, flush twice, watch Love Actually with me, fill my coat pockets with sweet little messages, rehang the curtain rod Holden yanked down, or do pretty much anything else you know I’ll like. 

P.S. This is really a trick because if you buy anything from this list, it’s not really fair because you didn’t think of it yourself.

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