Boys will NOT be boys

The following is a chapter from my new book Mamas Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be A-Holes, available everywhere books are sold

Can we just talk about the phrase “Boys will be boys” for a sec? It exists for one reason only — to excuse bad behavior. Like if you saw a boy help an old lady cross the street, you would never say, “Boys will be boys.” Nope, you’re more likely to say it after a boy punches someone at recess, or when boys are having a burping contest, or when a guy takes a raunchy photo holding his hands over his coworker’s boobs while she’s sleeping. Basically, the phrase could be changed to “Boys will be violent,” or “Boys will be gropers,” or “Boys will be a-holes unless we teach them not to do this kind of shit anymore.” Because one of the reasons boys will be boys is because we let them get away with it. So let’s start teaching our boys how to behave from a young age, how to respect their moms and their sisters and the girls in their grade. So boys won’t be boys. They’ll be gentlemen. Here goes: ten things to teach our boys if we want them to respect women:

1. Always call a woman Miss, Mrs., Ms., ma’am, or just by her name. Not babe, ho, chick, honey, sweetie, or some other word that sounds casual even though it’s derogatory. You might think it sounds cool but guess who doesn’t? Fifty percent of the population.

2. Judge a girl by her brain. We know the first thing you might notice is her face or her legs or her boobs. That’s okay. You can’t see her brain until you get to know her. So that’s what you’ll have to do.

3. If you work under an intelligent woman, respect her. If you work over an intelligent woman, promote her.

4. If a girl gets her period and you happen to see, don’t say “eww” or “gross” or whisper to your friend. The only thing you should whisper is, “Would you like to borrow my sweatshirt to tie around your waist?”

5. If a woman is walking behind you, open the door for her. Whether it’s your girlfriend, a complete stranger, or someone who’ll get into the Starbucks line ahead of you. Getting your coffee thirty seconds later isn’t that big a deal, but being a d-bag is.

6. No means no. Period. Yes, women can be a little confusing sometimes, like when we ask you which shoes look better and you tell us and we say thanks but go with the other ones. But when we say “no,” there’s nothing confusing about it. And if we’re too drunk to say “no,” just assume we’re saying it.

7. If a woman is nice enough to say “yes,” don’t brag about it the next day. The men’s locker room is full of dicks. Don’t be one of them.

8. If you want to break up with a girl, just do it. It’s better to break up with someone nicely than to act crappy until she has to do it herself.

9. You have a mom. You might have a sister. You might have a daughter one day. Treat every woman you come across the way you would want them to be treated.

10. Remember where you came from. A vagina. Respect it.

11. I hope you liked this itty-bitty taste of my new book Mamas Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be A-Holes! If you did, pleeeeease go ahead and ore-order it. It would mean the world to me.

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